The Modern Adoptive Mummy

The next disappointment came with an exceedingly cute face. This particular child did appear to have some behavioural issues due to past experiences but nothing that we couldn't research and work with. We received a link back almost immediately with this profile and our details were sent over. Our social worker called the child's social worker a few days later for a chat (she is very good, she often does this without us asking). We weren't aware that this chat was happening and Karl received a phone call, He had gone home early for something, it might have been as I was in a meeting. I  recieved a message from Karl to let me know our social worker was on the phone and that there was bad news and good news...I was naturally very impatient and was glued to the phone wanting to know what had happened. I took a phone call from Karl and he explained it all... It turns out the child's background was far more intense and the behaviours far more pronounced than had been w...

One reason I wanted to write this blog was to highlight the current adoption process- for friends and family and even strangers to understand the difficulties and above all the commitment needed to go through it all. As said already, the 'new' process is totally different to any published book I have read. The onus is on the adopters to find children. So you become obsessed. You have to be. On Obsession I log on to the website when I wake up and stalk it from 9am to 6pm. Whenever I can I am refreshing the page to see if new profiles have gone on. I have email notifications set up but experience has taught me that sometimes it updates on the site earlier than an email and sometimes the other way around. Sometimes the email notifications don't seem to work and several profiles can go on and still no email- so they aren't reliable. Why can't I just leave it and check it when I get home?  Experience has also taught me that it tends to be very m...

We had three very early links, within two weeks which was unexpected and encouraging. I will not be writing about specific children and the details ,ever, theirs is not my story to tell, it is only theirs, but I can comment basically on our feelings and experiences in the process. Our first link was a child a little older that we anticipated- right at the top of our range. We enquired and received a link back immediately. Karl was keener than I was (due to age) but all the same the profile seemed promising. Upon further investigation by our social worker there were considerable difficulties here regarding their past and current behaviours. We talked this over and decided that they were not right for us after all. It was our first taste of learning how we need to be reading between the lines on a profile and trying to second guess what it really means. Karl took this harder than me. It is easy to imagine them in your life and how it would be and how they would fit in and I think wit...

I have been explaining, with tongue securely in cheek, that this website for finding children is like a 'dating site but  for families'. It pretty much is- I have never actually used a dating site but I think the idea must be the same in so much as the children have a profile that you read to see if you are interested in them- of course, unlike a dating site, prospective families have no contact with children- which should seem pretty obvious to anyone really. 1) Profile- make your own, choose pictures you like of yourselves. Then write HUGE profile (as stated before). 2) Once you are approved on the site you can start looking. You search for profiles that will show within your parameter (we are looking 0-6, 1 or 2 children) but the search will show a little beyond (or below I guess if you don't have '0' in your search). This means we can also see children over the age of 6 (7-9) and groups of 3 siblings (I guess they feel you may be tempted). 3) Childre...

We took the plunge into the big pool to register for a site called Adoption Link/ Link Maker. There several books out there on adoption but none of them cover this new way of matching children to adoptive parents. All the books I have read cover a Social Worker ringing up about children and it seems to go to meeting them very quickly. The other scenario I have seen written about is the Children Who Wait magazine and  letters, phone calls or emails being sent in to register interest and people often never hearing back. Nothing I have read covers this more modern way of searching for a family. The onus is now on the prospective adopters to find children rather than the Social Workers. This give the adoptive parents more control-at least I think it does. You can opt out of this if you find it too stressful and allow your Social Worker to search for you. I don't personally advise this unless you are not able to cope with rejection and emotional upheaval. Given the ride you will have a...

Our social worker came round to have a meeting with us the Monday before the Friday of our panel date. I was in a panic and worrying and Karl was more pragmatic about the fact that we wouldn't be going to panel unless we were ready. We went through the logistics of the date and what the hearing would consist of (described in my 'what is the adoption process?' post earlier). I felt a little better after having my nerves calmed. We also discussed a little of how the search for children happens and told we could register on the website- though I chose not to until we had received a final go ahead- I didn't want to tempt fate. The days between Monday and Friday (namely, Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday!) were torture to me- The time dragged and I could think of nothing else. I didn't sleep well. By Thursday morning, however, I was very ill- it turns out I had given myself food poisoning (unknown at this point) from butter that had clearly gone off (I say clearly, but ...

I have gone through the process, now to look at it from our view and how we personally felt. It is hard to describe how intense stage two is. We had a provisional panel date of March given to us and within two weeks it was brought forward to February. It was nice to be working towards an actual goal, a date in time, rather than a who-knows-when goal. We updated finances and projected finances, which includes the 'basic' incomings and outgoings (we were now debt free and in an even better position as adopters), projecting costs of various forms of split adoption leave between me and Karl (the same as maternity leave) and the possible outcomes for one and two children, and varied childcare projections. When you realise that full time childcare costs about £600 a month per child, suddenly looking at two pre-school children almost negates a whole persons wage! Currently, there are 16 hours given free per child, there are plans to increase this to 30 hours which is being strongl...

Let's face it most people will have never thought about it and most people will never have need to think about it- they have either chosen, for whatever reason to be child free or they have their own children and have been blessed, however easy or hard that blessing was to come by- or they haven't yet tested mother nature to see what she is made of- it is fair to say, most people have never looked into the process of adoption. So- what does it entail? I have spoken a little about the process so far but I thought it might be useful to spell it out. This is my experience of it-as it is a standardised procedure it should be similar everywhere with slight changes to the order of things. 1) Initial contact- this will be emails or phone calls usually. There may be a few of these before you are invited in to see the adoption charity or local authority (depending on who you choose to go with). 2) Face to face contact. This may be an open day/ evening where you will meet social ...

After court cases passed us by and after initial depression and numbness, the healing began. April came and went and it was a hard month for many reasons; one being that this was our original panel date. It came and went and I thought about those we have trained with and how they all would potentially be through panel by now.  We kept in contact with the adoption agency and went on a training evening for becoming helpers. I helped out first at a craft and pamper day, crafts for the kids and pampering for the parents. I prepared cutting up plastic bags for weaving and tissue paper for  'stained glass' and awaited the unknown! It was a very tiring but great day- happy kids getting involved and playing, experiencing new things and taking home proudly made bits and bobs- giving me some ideas of what to do with my own kids one day. It was great to see how well the children interacted- if you looked carefully, however, you could see the issues and insecurities, but only if you l...