So how do you 'work' the matching site?

I have been explaining, with tongue securely in cheek, that this website for finding children is like a 'dating site but  for families'. It pretty much is- I have never actually used a dating site but I think the idea must be the same in so much as the children have a profile that you read to see if you are interested in them- of course, unlike a dating site, prospective families have no contact with children- which should seem pretty obvious to anyone really.

1) Profile- make your own, choose pictures you like of yourselves. Then write HUGE profile (as stated before).

2) Once you are approved on the site you can start looking. You search for profiles that will show within your parameter (we are looking 0-6, 1 or 2 children) but the search will show a little beyond (or below I guess if you don't have '0' in your search). This means we can also see children over the age of 6 (7-9) and groups of 3 siblings (I guess they feel you may be tempted).

3) Children's profiles. Usually there is at least one picture of a child, often more and rarely a video (I wish there were more of these). Sometimes there are no pictures and all you will see is a picture of a teddy. There can be several reasons for this, maybe they have not yet had a court case for social workers to release them for adoption or it has only just gone through, maybe there are legal reasons or safety reasons or maybe they just haven't got round to it yet. Likewise, children are sometimes anonymised.

You will read an overview of their likes or their perfect day, see a list of their looks and basic details (hair, eyes, ethnicity ,religion, birthday month and year). There then will follow a more detailed report about likes and dislikes and progress in care, followed by details about any issues they may have and an mental or physical disabilities, attachment issues and delay and what is known about any history of the parents issues (though largely this is not fully disclosed at this point).

It will also detail what type of family the social workers are looking for and it will state reasons some adopters cannot be considered- this could be ethnicity (they will try to match where possible before considering any interested ethnicity adopter), couple or single. You can sometimes read 'must be a couple due to ...' (couple can be same of different gender couple) and you might sometimes see 'must be a mixed couple as the child wants a mummy and a daddy' for example.

4) 'Starting a discussion' (used to be called 'Enquire')- If you are interested in a child's profile or siblings profile, you click on 'start discussion'. You get a small box to write a note about why you should be considered and how you can match the child's needs. Mt advice is to write something friendly and short- some have said they fill the box but I can only imagine how laborious that must be for a social worker so I keep it short and sweet and friendly.

How long does it take to get a response? How long is a piece of string?

It could be almost instantaneous- if the social worker is online, having just uploaded a profile, they may respond instantly, or it could be days or weeks. The social worker does get a prompt after two weeks and if they haven't responded it opens up the ability to ask again for a response/ Previously, when we first joined, this wasn't an option and you could be left waiting for ages with no way to contact the social worker.

Social workers work in different ways. There is nothing you can do in this stage but wait. It is possible that you might not hear back for months for a proper answer, though in my experience the longest we have waited for a response was 3 weeks.

5) 'Declines'- Come to expect a lot of these. A baby may have over 200 enquiries- unlikely that many but you get the picture. Babies 1 and under are in huge demand. A social worker will decline en mass for a huge repose like this- you will get no reason for a decline except the standard' looking at other matches that may be stronger'. Take it on the chin- you have to move on and forget it. It doesn't matter how much you think the child was perfect- the social worker doesn't think this- they can leave the ability for you to apply again but usually the profile becomes hidden from you and you are not allowed to apply again. Very occasionally you might get a message as to why but this is very rare. they have a lot of requests, it is understandable though somewhat cold for prospective adopters. I have learnt to not expect a reply- ever. The workload must be astronomical on a 'popular' child.

You will start collecting declines and they will add up on your personal enquiry page as a little reminder of your mini failures- but you must not look at them like this- it is simple statistics- there are more adopters than children to be adopted, a social worker can narrow their own criteria if there is a large response and this may rule you out. Get used it it- it is a harsh process and you will have no feedback.

6) 'In Reserve' I *think* this is being phased out by adoption link- this is an odd place to be. This means they like what they see in your profile but you are not being considered at present. It is a bitter sweet thing to happen- it means that you feel you have had your profile read, you are good enough BUT the likelihood of this turning into actual interest is very, very rare- but it has happened- it might actually be months down the line and suddenly your PAR is requested.

7) 'Discussion started' this used to be called 'link'- this is a good feeling- this means you are seriously being considered as a match for the child/ children. The social worker asks for your PAR to be sent to read through. If they respond back to you it is likely that you are in a shortlist of between 5 and 10 people/ couples.

Now, lots of things can happen here and a lot will depend on the child's social worker, your social worker and the Local Authority and their process of looking for a match.

You may be invited to read the child's CPR (Child's Personal Record)- or it might only be shared with your social worker to start with. You might get a Foster Carer report.

The child's social worker will whittle the interested parties down to 10 or under, usually, though it may be more, but not all of those will necessarily receive the CPR. They will whittle it down again and make the decision who to pursue- this could be a handful of families at this stage.

How long will it take for a child's social worker to get back to you? A day, weeks, who knows! You can ask your social worker to message them to talk about you and ask questions about the children. Our social worker is excellent, we couldn't ask for better and we are very thankful for that. 

You can also choose to decline a child at this stage if you find out information about them that you don't gel with or your feel uneasy about or for whatever reason, they don't seem right for you or vice versa.

In our experience it is better to let your social worker do the talking for you- they know what to say and can say it better than you can.

So that is the basic process. 

You have your interest sparked, you lose confidence, you have great highs and also great lows when a child turns out not to be right. You can be rejected at any point in the process and could have got a long way down the line before it happens. It is heart wrenching, exciting, depressing, exhilarating and frightening all in one go! Day by day your emotions can change. It is fairly all consuming!