The Modern Adoptive Mummy

As said, our introductions were delayed by a few days, so instead of Thursday, they were the following Monday. Four days doesn't seem a lot in the grand scheme of things but after such a long wait those four days seemed liked added torture. We went for our planning meeting as scheduled- only instead of meeting them, we received the adoption placement certificate- which made it really feel official- a piece of paper with a date for placement, certifying us to take these children home. After this meeting, we went home. We decided to treat ourselves to a blow up home spa that week and thankfully the weather was beautiful on the Sunday so we had a  lovely relaxing day in the spa and one evening bubbles and chill time too. We knew we had to deflated it and put it away for the season but it will come out again late spring and by then hopefully the boys will enjoy being in water. On Monday we made our way to the foster carer's home. I felt sick, I think we both did. We stopped off

The matching panel is made up of lots of professionals who don't know you and have nothing to do with the case. It is impartial in that sense and therefore quite impersonal. They have had all our details and the boys details for at least a week to read through before the panel date. We managed to get a little lost on the way to the unfamiliar town- we managed to walk around the impressive old building with fairly unimpressive doorway into the civic centre and not the council building. We also had hold ups on the road meaning we were spot on time rather than early like we had planned. We arrived and walked into the fairly decadent building to be used up towards a less than impressive waiting room, soulless, bare and to be fair somewhat grubby. the coffee laid on was on the rough side and to be fair I had some more to have something to do. It is supposed to pretty much be a done deal- no one would waste time and effort on people or a person they didn't think to be a good ma

When you have panel  dates, introduction dates and move in dates things start to get very scary. We have known the potential start date for introductions to start since the Appreciation Day and last week this moved to an earlier date, 4 days earlier. this is incredibly exciting but took a weekend away from final preparations. I know how we work though, we cannot really get things done until we are at the wire, a knifes edge, the edge of the cliff- only at this point can we get things done. I certainly was always the last moment essay writer at university and life has never really changed in that respect! What do we have left to do? not a lot really- a little more de-cluttering and sorting clothes out (ours) and  giving the house a last scrub to make it as clean as possible. We do have some serious de-clothing to do in order to make some space but other than that it is no big deal to get the house into shape. It is odd, that as I type I can see a framed picture of Holmes and Watso

The BUMP meeting: despite the foster carers not being sure of what this day was and it being the first time the particular local authority had agreed such a thing- the day did actually go ahead. I was convinced the day wouldn't happen. We weren't allowed the phone number of the foster carers- I sort of understand this but at the same time it made any last moment changes and notifications impossible- we could turn up and the foster carers not turn up for one reason and another. We had the number of their family worker as a go between (though as it turned out he was off ill and never acknowledged our test as he wasn't in work). My excitement about this day was somewhat marred by the fear that we would not actually get to see them and we would spend a lonely hour bumbling about a playground waiting for them to never show! By the time we got there I felt very sick with nerves. We were there about 40 minutes early and the weather remained ominous- inside I was desperately hopi

It is a funny title isn't it...I mean, how can you appreciate a child or children that you don't know? An odd concept to appreciate them for what and who they are without ever seeing them! I guess the term is used as we are invited to appreciate the wider picture around them and the journey they have already had. This day had already been cancelled once and even on the way in the car I was semi convinced it would be cancelled- much like many steps so far I am constantly waiting for things to go wrong-I can't quite believe it things are moving forward (maybe because it is taking so long?). We arrived at the office in an hour with about 20 minutes to spare. We signed in and waited (still expecting to be told it was cancelled!). So what is this meeting? Professionals involved in the children's and mother's life arrive to talk about their experiences and impart information. Some people couldn't make it to the meeting, such as Watson's nursery key worker, the

I mentioned many, many posts back how being childless haunted me almost nightly to the point of often not getting to sleep without reprimanding my useless body and blaming myself. Now that hour has been replaced by several other fears. My biggest fear: That suddenly the birth parent will launch an appeal and that despite all evidence against them as a parent, the courts decide to grant the appeal- and this happens during matching on the way to panel or after placement. It can happen- they can be taken away/ the adoption can stop or be delayed. A family member can come out of the woodwork, an absent father, an aunt, anyone related...they can suddenly ask to take on the child/ children and this can mean a huge hold up in proceedings whilst they are assessed and it can mean that they are removed from your care if the courts find them worthy. This is a pain I live in fear of happening. It isn't the norm within  the adoption process but it can happen. The children are never yours an

It seems we have come almost full circle. when we were with no hope of children, we filled our lives with things- I have mentioned the shopping and filling our lives with purchases that, to be honest, were not really needed...well we are back on the shopping again! This time, not for us- well it is as it makes us happy- but technically everything is for Holmes and Watson! The day we got the call to say they were moving forward with us (after the home visit) we both felt the impulsive need to celebrate and do something wildly decadent and forbidden...so we went to Toys R us and bought things! I know, disgustingly decadent and impulsive- we should be ashamed of the new addiction! We came home with some bath toys and a car race track (which Spike was obsessed with!). It felt  good! A seal had broken to an uncharted world and despite telling ourselves to stop- we couldn't! Shopping became a way to deal with the awful waiting- and I can tell you this drawn out process is draining-

...So my Social worker turned up for the matching matrix meeting- a fair drive for her- to find out it had to be cancelled. Sudden clashing dates or something along those lines meant that it couldn't go ahead. this meant that their meeting was moved to the date of our child appreciation day instead...so our child appreciation day was moved to 3 weeks later (nearly another month gone). This was pretty devastating. I was sat outside a pub in Disneyland Paris with my work colleagues, having a sneaky beer in beautiful sunshine and generally having a most wonderful time. It was like a little black cloud suddenly descended as I read the email. It seemed a real juxtaposition in life- there I was sitting in a place built for children's dreams and my dreams of children were being pushed further back.  The only consolation was that another DVD and some photos had been handed over so at least we could see what they looked like now. We had geared up for this day, really looked forward

Okay- not hideous, but I wanted an alliterative title! Hold ups all the same though! I am told, that on average, from initial match to matching panel takes 8-10 weeks- oh if only! Matched in May- still not through the process in August... Nothing happened in June, nothing at all- I don't know why but nothing did. It was very frustrating knowing we were going forward but no meetings planned and nothing seemed to be moving forward. We had been warned that the family worker who works in preparing children for placement was only part time and had a large caseload. No one was explaining why this meant the matching meeting and child appreciation day were both set for July and not June- to us it seemed like a whole month wasted, leaving us in limbo, not quite believing it was true.  We received a DVD and some extra photos at this point- a DVD we were not allowed to keep which again was frustrating. I thought I might cry or even both of us might cry when we saw them on the DVD...we

It is safe to say I had steam cleaned almost everything that could be steam cleaned! They were due at 11am and I think we were up till gone midnight and up again at 7am for final hoovering and cooking. I insisted on cooking food- to show that we could cook- obviously- that and  the house would smell more homely. The first hiccup was the cookie dough I bought that wasn't cookie dough at all and actually was more like pain au chocolate dough. So I made those- they didn't work out! They tasted fine but were not impressive in any way! In a panic, Karl went to the shop to buy cookies and biscuits. Next came savoury whirls, mango chutney and cheese and baco bits, Cheese and pesto and Cheese and baco bits...these are always a hit and always turn out well- thankfully after the biscuit-not-biscuit debacle! I had, of course, made far too many (it is fair to say it was pack up for a few days after!). We researched what the meeting might be like- would they fire questions at us? Wou

More rejections came over the following weeks, again twice getting down to a final 3. We took some comfort in the fact that we are good enough for serious discussion and we know that profiles are hugely popular. Ultimately, coming 2nd or 3rd is no better than coming 20th as the outcome is the same but there is some comfort in knowing you almost won. It would be nice if it was a case of 'try harder' next time, but there is no option to 'try' anymore as we are not directly involved in this early decision making and cannot really influence it. We always reply promptly and have our details sent promptly and our social worker chases profiles for us if we have heard nothing. Everything is being done for us and we are very grateful for such excellent representation. We like to think we are becoming harder and try to not be overly hopeful with any profile and have learnt the next step- receiving child profiles- can also mean absolutely nothing with regards to outcome. One s

Don't you love a good metaphor? Hmmm... We last week we had four 'interviews' and no jobs came from it. We had started the week with 5 open links- a really happy place to be, 5 sets of social workers interested in us...the first rejection I have written about in the last post (and this was the hardest to take) and then through the week 3 more rejections came in. It is fair to say that last week was a hugely depressing week that proved that law of averages is total hogwash and we were, unfortunately, not the average. Hope just kept slipping from our fingers as the days went by. At times I am not sure how I dealt with the more petty things of life as it carried on around me. Alongside this my dog, Gus was getting progressively more blind worryingly quick (we had already been to a specialist about a cataract operation, this culminated the following Monday in an emergency rush to the specialist dog hospital as things appeared dangerously worrying- fortunately it wasn'

I was halfway up the stairs cursing at the difficulty of glossing the woodwork after carpet had been put in (nearly two years ago) when the phone rang I didn't make it to the phone in time but recognised the number as my social worker.I called back, paint brush in hand as I didn't have anywhere to put it... She has been sent a CPR for two children we had expressed an interest in ( and been linked to) and wondered when we would be able to pick it up to read through and let her know if we were still interested. After some deliberation, I decided I could do it right then and swing by and pick Karl up on the way. This was to be the first time we were allowed to read- this was one tiny step closer in the process overall. These are only shared with people they are seriously interested in considering as potential parents. By the time we got there the social worker of another set of children had sent their CPR through for us to look at. this felt very positive and we were excited b

The next link had our hearts racing- we had an excitable phone conversation over whether to enquire or not- we initially both said no due to the age of one of the children but neither of us could let it go- the interests of the older child were exactly ours and the fact that they loved singing and dancing and dressing up and crafting was too much to ignore. The more we read through the online profile the more excited we became- they seemed perfect despite a slightly older age of one of them (they were a sibling pair). And they were adorable, gorgeous little faces and the video showed them to be happy and playing well together- they seemed a wonderful fit for us and us for them. So I enquired and within ten minutes we received a link back! This only fueled the excitement. Later our PAR was sent, our social worker agreed they looked a good match and even more exciting, the children's background details (CPR- Child's Permanence Report) were sent to our Social Worker to read

One of the social workers at our agency sent us two profiles- meaning they had identified  interesting children for us to look at. One profile was a child we had been discussing, so we took this as a hint to enquire (we were declined).The other profile didn't open and we couldn't work out why. They couldn't remember sending more than one. Oddly, there was a profile was waiting for us under the heading 'shortlisted' when we woke up the next morning. This set our heads spinning! Had we been shortlisted for a child without enquiring? Had a social worker seen our profile and wanted us and shortlisted us? Was it a social worker who had already seen our profile and declined us for another child but felt they wanted us for this one? It was all very strange and confusing. the child had no name listed or picture, meaning they were likely going through an adoption order but most excitingly- they were a baby- a proper baby- they were around 6 months old! A baby! we had never