Work life and Home life and when it all goes wrong...
Friday 6th March 2020 was my last 'working day' (or rather, not working as I have been signed off with stress and anxiety since before Christmas- so at this point just over 2 months) in mainstream school. In 2004 I rook redundancy from a call centre manager job, I did this as I knew I was to be training as a teacher later that year. I chose to change my career and plunge us into debt by training on an unqualified wage many thousand less than I was on in call centre management. Overall, I still feel this was the best decision and certainly gave me career more rewarding that sorting peoples' bills out-though at least I left all that at the door and only ever worked the hours I was paid for.
For many years I was relatively happy teaching English in a secondary school, I especially loved teaching A level Language. I worked hard for a pastoral promotion and eventually got one but further promotions were not forthcoming and I became frustrated. I loved my pastoral role, helping children who needed me. I have seen all sorts of horrible stories from abuse to pregnancy and more and every child I hope I managed to help in some small way. I gained many skills in management in schools through this role. The knowledge I gained certainly helped me in the adoption process regarding safeguarding and social care.
I became very interested in working in special needs education and I was pretty successful at one interview- though I didn't get the job- I needed experience teaching a wider curriculum and younger ability children. So I went and got it, landed what seemed a perfect job. I was offered a job at my children's primary school- this is not a common move for teachers at all, to move from secondary to primary- I certainly loved the idea of teaching all subjects.
This had so many benefits for their early transition into school. Mummy could drop them off and pick them up (until I was not allowed to do it anymore). Mummy was there easily to see their awards, plays, sports day. mummy was there to wave at randomly at unexpected times of the day. This really helped them to feel settled and I loved seeing them too. It felt like a huge privileged to see them like this but the toll it took on me was huge.
I started primary life working across two schools. I valued the opportunity to change career direction and the working part of my life was good. I was, however, lonely, never getting to know people and eventually I asked to move to one school only, the biggest mistake I made! I will skip the full details as it is a whole post or two on its own in a blog not about my children that I may write or I may not, it is pretty painful. It can be summed up as this: I was bullied, micro managed until nothing I could do was right and near enough forced out of my job, it was systematic and continuous.
I changed. I went from a confident person to a broken person. My children barely saw me- I was at work before 8am and not home until 6-6.30pm. I would grab a quick dinner and put the kids to bed. No quality time at all. This meant my husband was always looking after the children, always cooking the evening meal and I was always coming home stressed, overworked and too scared to contemplate a night where my children could not sleep- which was every night. Instead of thinking about their need to need me sleeping next to them as they drifted off (well, biggun is happy to just have you in the room but littlun needs someone, usually me, next to him to fall asleep) I was only thinking about the planning I had to still do when they were finally asleep. My child shouldn't feel like an inconvenience to me that stops me work and work and work.
I was a shell of a mother as well. Work had taken the confident teacher and turned her into a husk and now it was also robbing me of a home life. I was ratty, had snapped too many times 'Mummy's working!' at the weekend and it was clear that this could not go on for my own sanity and for theirs and my husband. I was a mummy that didn't have time for them and the time I gave them was plagued with thoughts of what I still had to do work wise. Never tell a teacher they are lucky to have holidays and short days- even a teacher not under the scrutiny and harassment works way harder than you could ever imagine. I regularly pulled in 60-65 hour working weeks (I know other professions do as well, just don't tell us teachers we have it easy).
I was affecting my children, they even played 'working and marking'- no one wants their children's imaginative play to be this!
And then I was off work- I snapped, broke down and was prepared to face an uncertain future rather than face another day in the school I had once though was a great place to work. I shattered into fragments that I felt could not glue together and it took me a long time to find the superglue to piece myself together again. I hate being signed off work, I feel like a fraud as mental health still has a stigma that it shouldn't. My fear of being at work was replaced by the fear of not having work and taking on supply which takes time to build up. It made me think of all those years ago when we risked our finances for me to train as a teacher= only that time we didn't have children to think about. Whatever happened, it had to be better than me getting to the point where life was not worth carrying on if that was what life was like.
Suddenly, with more frequency, my children did not want to go to school. They are too old not to hide why mummy is off. School is making mummy poorly. They couldn't understand why I wasn't there- even though I had tried to prepare them that mummy might move jobs (I was looking before I broke down). They didn't like this thought and why should they- they were used to mummy being there as safety net. They both wanted to stay home more, be with me, not be there. It has been hard to encourage them that their teachers are lovely (they are) and that they are doing well in school and that there are lots of exciting things happening in school (there are). There were many tummy aches and feeling sicks, most days in fact. This was their own fear and anxiety about what was happening- and when you think about it, why are they being sent somewhere that mummy cannot stand to be near anymore?
It has also taken great strength on my part to pick them up when my husband can't, to go in to watch their plays, to get awards-for a long time, setting foot near the place brought on a mild panic attack but I faced it, for them; I had already robbed them of a mother that could physically be there for them during the week, they deserved me to push my own anxiety aside for them.
And so, mummy got a new job- I have waited nearly two months to start whilst being signed off. I have gained the experience in primary and I am now to be working in a special educational needs school where I already feel welcomed and trusted as a professional- a feeling that I never thought I would get back as I have been so crushed. I have been able to remember that I am a good teacher and I am a very capable person, she just took a leave of absence but she is back!
My children are pleased for me and have transitioned to the fact they will not see me in school anymore. They are to face another transition with going into childcare after school again and that I will not be home at the same time as them but I am hoping that they start to regain their love of school and a jealousy that they cannot stay at home whilst I was will hopefully fade.
I am so thankful that this journey didn't end with me having to work as a supply teacher but I was prepared to risk financial stability, not just for my own mental health but for theirs as I could not let a job take me over again when they need a mummy who is not worrying the whole time about work. My new job brings new home life challenges as I only get 4 weeks summer holiday (but longer half terms) meaning I have to find childcare for 2 weeks of the year- no idea how normal people do this- much investigation needs to happen. I have prepare my children for this and talked to them about how they will need to go into childcare for 2 weeks- I am not sure they understand this and I hope I can find something fun for them! (though this year it only works out as 1 week so maybe with holiday my husband and maybe my mum can shoulder some of the burden this time).
Was it a mistake to take a job at their school for my children? Well, apart from the obvious yes regarding how it affected me personally and my relationship with them my answer truly is that I don't know. It was a unique opportunity to be near my children, see them at play occasional, a quick wave in the corridor, a drop off and a pick up after school club. It meant in the early days I collected them at home time with no after school club- I was there for them during a hard transition. It is unusual to be able to be there in this way for a child, it was a unique opportunity. Part of me feels it was for the best for them and I was right to take the opportunity for them. Part of me feels that I should never have mixed work and home because if it goes wrong, which it did, the repercussions affect everyone. This could have happened to me in another school. Outcome would be the same but my children would not have been able to link to two things. Maybe they would have been the same and wanted to not go to school because I wasn't, perhaps there would have been no difference. All I can say is that it is important to not let any job interfere with home life to this degree.
We all owe it to our children to be there for them as much as we can ,physically and mentally- especially adopted children who, at whatever age, still don't fully have the bond of a birth child, the inherent trust that we will always be there for them and won't leave them. No job is worth sacrificing a home life and family time. No job should make you feel like you are a bad parent.
For many years I was relatively happy teaching English in a secondary school, I especially loved teaching A level Language. I worked hard for a pastoral promotion and eventually got one but further promotions were not forthcoming and I became frustrated. I loved my pastoral role, helping children who needed me. I have seen all sorts of horrible stories from abuse to pregnancy and more and every child I hope I managed to help in some small way. I gained many skills in management in schools through this role. The knowledge I gained certainly helped me in the adoption process regarding safeguarding and social care.
I became very interested in working in special needs education and I was pretty successful at one interview- though I didn't get the job- I needed experience teaching a wider curriculum and younger ability children. So I went and got it, landed what seemed a perfect job. I was offered a job at my children's primary school- this is not a common move for teachers at all, to move from secondary to primary- I certainly loved the idea of teaching all subjects.
This had so many benefits for their early transition into school. Mummy could drop them off and pick them up (until I was not allowed to do it anymore). Mummy was there easily to see their awards, plays, sports day. mummy was there to wave at randomly at unexpected times of the day. This really helped them to feel settled and I loved seeing them too. It felt like a huge privileged to see them like this but the toll it took on me was huge.
I started primary life working across two schools. I valued the opportunity to change career direction and the working part of my life was good. I was, however, lonely, never getting to know people and eventually I asked to move to one school only, the biggest mistake I made! I will skip the full details as it is a whole post or two on its own in a blog not about my children that I may write or I may not, it is pretty painful. It can be summed up as this: I was bullied, micro managed until nothing I could do was right and near enough forced out of my job, it was systematic and continuous.
I changed. I went from a confident person to a broken person. My children barely saw me- I was at work before 8am and not home until 6-6.30pm. I would grab a quick dinner and put the kids to bed. No quality time at all. This meant my husband was always looking after the children, always cooking the evening meal and I was always coming home stressed, overworked and too scared to contemplate a night where my children could not sleep- which was every night. Instead of thinking about their need to need me sleeping next to them as they drifted off (well, biggun is happy to just have you in the room but littlun needs someone, usually me, next to him to fall asleep) I was only thinking about the planning I had to still do when they were finally asleep. My child shouldn't feel like an inconvenience to me that stops me work and work and work.
I was a shell of a mother as well. Work had taken the confident teacher and turned her into a husk and now it was also robbing me of a home life. I was ratty, had snapped too many times 'Mummy's working!' at the weekend and it was clear that this could not go on for my own sanity and for theirs and my husband. I was a mummy that didn't have time for them and the time I gave them was plagued with thoughts of what I still had to do work wise. Never tell a teacher they are lucky to have holidays and short days- even a teacher not under the scrutiny and harassment works way harder than you could ever imagine. I regularly pulled in 60-65 hour working weeks (I know other professions do as well, just don't tell us teachers we have it easy).
I was affecting my children, they even played 'working and marking'- no one wants their children's imaginative play to be this!
And then I was off work- I snapped, broke down and was prepared to face an uncertain future rather than face another day in the school I had once though was a great place to work. I shattered into fragments that I felt could not glue together and it took me a long time to find the superglue to piece myself together again. I hate being signed off work, I feel like a fraud as mental health still has a stigma that it shouldn't. My fear of being at work was replaced by the fear of not having work and taking on supply which takes time to build up. It made me think of all those years ago when we risked our finances for me to train as a teacher= only that time we didn't have children to think about. Whatever happened, it had to be better than me getting to the point where life was not worth carrying on if that was what life was like.
Suddenly, with more frequency, my children did not want to go to school. They are too old not to hide why mummy is off. School is making mummy poorly. They couldn't understand why I wasn't there- even though I had tried to prepare them that mummy might move jobs (I was looking before I broke down). They didn't like this thought and why should they- they were used to mummy being there as safety net. They both wanted to stay home more, be with me, not be there. It has been hard to encourage them that their teachers are lovely (they are) and that they are doing well in school and that there are lots of exciting things happening in school (there are). There were many tummy aches and feeling sicks, most days in fact. This was their own fear and anxiety about what was happening- and when you think about it, why are they being sent somewhere that mummy cannot stand to be near anymore?
It has also taken great strength on my part to pick them up when my husband can't, to go in to watch their plays, to get awards-for a long time, setting foot near the place brought on a mild panic attack but I faced it, for them; I had already robbed them of a mother that could physically be there for them during the week, they deserved me to push my own anxiety aside for them.
And so, mummy got a new job- I have waited nearly two months to start whilst being signed off. I have gained the experience in primary and I am now to be working in a special educational needs school where I already feel welcomed and trusted as a professional- a feeling that I never thought I would get back as I have been so crushed. I have been able to remember that I am a good teacher and I am a very capable person, she just took a leave of absence but she is back!
My children are pleased for me and have transitioned to the fact they will not see me in school anymore. They are to face another transition with going into childcare after school again and that I will not be home at the same time as them but I am hoping that they start to regain their love of school and a jealousy that they cannot stay at home whilst I was will hopefully fade.
I am so thankful that this journey didn't end with me having to work as a supply teacher but I was prepared to risk financial stability, not just for my own mental health but for theirs as I could not let a job take me over again when they need a mummy who is not worrying the whole time about work. My new job brings new home life challenges as I only get 4 weeks summer holiday (but longer half terms) meaning I have to find childcare for 2 weeks of the year- no idea how normal people do this- much investigation needs to happen. I have prepare my children for this and talked to them about how they will need to go into childcare for 2 weeks- I am not sure they understand this and I hope I can find something fun for them! (though this year it only works out as 1 week so maybe with holiday my husband and maybe my mum can shoulder some of the burden this time).
Was it a mistake to take a job at their school for my children? Well, apart from the obvious yes regarding how it affected me personally and my relationship with them my answer truly is that I don't know. It was a unique opportunity to be near my children, see them at play occasional, a quick wave in the corridor, a drop off and a pick up after school club. It meant in the early days I collected them at home time with no after school club- I was there for them during a hard transition. It is unusual to be able to be there in this way for a child, it was a unique opportunity. Part of me feels it was for the best for them and I was right to take the opportunity for them. Part of me feels that I should never have mixed work and home because if it goes wrong, which it did, the repercussions affect everyone. This could have happened to me in another school. Outcome would be the same but my children would not have been able to link to two things. Maybe they would have been the same and wanted to not go to school because I wasn't, perhaps there would have been no difference. All I can say is that it is important to not let any job interfere with home life to this degree.
We all owe it to our children to be there for them as much as we can ,physically and mentally- especially adopted children who, at whatever age, still don't fully have the bond of a birth child, the inherent trust that we will always be there for them and won't leave them. No job is worth sacrificing a home life and family time. No job should make you feel like you are a bad parent.
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