"Where's the mummy? Where's the daddy?" the not so normal viewpoints...
Sometimes it is little things that remind you that your child is not a 'normal' child ( I hate that word- what is normal? Everyone's 'normal' is something different!). I am not sure what else to say though- we don't need anything to remind us they are adopted as it is a living and breathing thing that is always with us as adoptive parents, well I believe that to be true. So, I am sticking with there term 'normal' in this case.
Beyond needing to know where their own parent is- 'Where daddy?' (in the loo), 'Where mummy?' (in the kitchen), 'Where daddy?' (gone to work, you know that, you said goodbye to him...), 'Where mummy?' (in the same room as you, just look around)- we are reminded that our children don't have the same viewpoint as other children- or maybe they do but we know it comes from loss and adoption so it is deeper rooted as an issue and not just a passing question or concern. How are we reminded? Films and television largely and sometimes out in public.
We noticed at Christmas (yes, it took me this long to write about it!) whilst watching Home Alone (worried they might find it too violent, they didn't- they were too concerned with something else...)
'Where's the mummy? Where the daddy?'. Not once were they concerned for little Kevin and what the burglars might do, they were only concerned about where the parents were. The whole time. 'Why his mummy not get home?', 'Where his daddy?', 'Why daddy not go with mummy?' The whole story was from the mother's point of view, 'What the mummy doing now?' (instead of enjoying Kevin's clever tactics). This was the start of a wider worry, largely from Holmes but also from Watson that continues now if for any reason there is not a parent present. Holmes refers to the film as 'The story about the mummy' and both of them asked to watch it again several times. You or I may remember it about the burglars and Kevin's tricks...
It doesn't matter if it is a person or not- they watched 'The Secret Life of Pets'- the entire concern was about where the pets' parents were- with some confusing detail around did they mean animal parents or the human owners.
Sometimes the concern is there with a story line about adults- 'where her mummy?' (about the 40 year old in whatever tv show)- and the questions flow and flow and flow.
This concern continues into public- if they see a child not attached to a parent (even up to teenagers) or if a child is with one parent and not the other. Hand in hand with this concern is a concern for babies and very young children- again, largely from Holmes- 'Baby sad/ baby not happy/ baby want mummy' and we have to assure them that the baby is okay.
So what goes through my head? The 'where the mummy/daddy?' questions seem to be clearly related to attachment issues and a fear of loss of security and mother and father figure. Perhaps, subconsciously, they are able to express their worry by worrying about others- just perhaps it is healthy to express this and have us reassure them.Whilst 'Home Alone' is about a child being left (albeit temporarily) nothing else we have watched is and yet still the concerns are there. I look back and think that maybe the film was not a good choice due to a child being left it also was a good idea as it got them talking about loss in their own confusing way.
The concern in public is clearly, to me, them projecting themselves and their loss and upset onto the baby or small child that they perceive to be upset or in distress. I am hoping this is also a good thing as they get to express concerns whilst talking about children they do not know.
Ultimately, moments like these cannot be brushed off as a generic concern- they are clearly deep rooted in adopted children and need to be discussed as appropriately as possible with them- it is a conversation opener for a dialogue we must have for life.
Beyond needing to know where their own parent is- 'Where daddy?' (in the loo), 'Where mummy?' (in the kitchen), 'Where daddy?' (gone to work, you know that, you said goodbye to him...), 'Where mummy?' (in the same room as you, just look around)- we are reminded that our children don't have the same viewpoint as other children- or maybe they do but we know it comes from loss and adoption so it is deeper rooted as an issue and not just a passing question or concern. How are we reminded? Films and television largely and sometimes out in public.
We noticed at Christmas (yes, it took me this long to write about it!) whilst watching Home Alone (worried they might find it too violent, they didn't- they were too concerned with something else...)
'Where's the mummy? Where the daddy?'. Not once were they concerned for little Kevin and what the burglars might do, they were only concerned about where the parents were. The whole time. 'Why his mummy not get home?', 'Where his daddy?', 'Why daddy not go with mummy?' The whole story was from the mother's point of view, 'What the mummy doing now?' (instead of enjoying Kevin's clever tactics). This was the start of a wider worry, largely from Holmes but also from Watson that continues now if for any reason there is not a parent present. Holmes refers to the film as 'The story about the mummy' and both of them asked to watch it again several times. You or I may remember it about the burglars and Kevin's tricks...
It doesn't matter if it is a person or not- they watched 'The Secret Life of Pets'- the entire concern was about where the pets' parents were- with some confusing detail around did they mean animal parents or the human owners.
Sometimes the concern is there with a story line about adults- 'where her mummy?' (about the 40 year old in whatever tv show)- and the questions flow and flow and flow.
This concern continues into public- if they see a child not attached to a parent (even up to teenagers) or if a child is with one parent and not the other. Hand in hand with this concern is a concern for babies and very young children- again, largely from Holmes- 'Baby sad/ baby not happy/ baby want mummy' and we have to assure them that the baby is okay.
So what goes through my head? The 'where the mummy/daddy?' questions seem to be clearly related to attachment issues and a fear of loss of security and mother and father figure. Perhaps, subconsciously, they are able to express their worry by worrying about others- just perhaps it is healthy to express this and have us reassure them.Whilst 'Home Alone' is about a child being left (albeit temporarily) nothing else we have watched is and yet still the concerns are there. I look back and think that maybe the film was not a good choice due to a child being left it also was a good idea as it got them talking about loss in their own confusing way.
The concern in public is clearly, to me, them projecting themselves and their loss and upset onto the baby or small child that they perceive to be upset or in distress. I am hoping this is also a good thing as they get to express concerns whilst talking about children they do not know.
Ultimately, moments like these cannot be brushed off as a generic concern- they are clearly deep rooted in adopted children and need to be discussed as appropriately as possible with them- it is a conversation opener for a dialogue we must have for life.
It may well be or it may simply be the age. My adopted son is more sensitive to the idea of abandonment but truth be told, my (bio) daughter has seen the world as mom+dad+child since she was 2 (she's now 5). She may watch movies or books and wonder the same. One thing she may say is "Maybe he/she is sad because he/she wants his/her mom". Or if she sees 3 objects of different size, she always names them "This is me, this is mom, this is dad". I think this is how children see the world for the first years.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to diminish your observations, because I do observe a different sensitivity myself in my kids, who have a different background... but just to reassure you that part of it may well be how kids think :).
I think that is something us as adopted parents are always thinking about- is it past trauma or is it a kid thing'.
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