The Modern Adoptive Mummy

Friday 6th March 2020 was my last 'working day' (or rather, not working as I have been signed off with stress and anxiety since before Christmas- so at this point just over 2 months) in mainstream school. In 2004 I rook redundancy from a call centre manager job, I did this as I knew I was to be training as a teacher later that year. I chose to change my career and plunge us into debt by training on an unqualified wage many thousand less than I was on in call centre management. Overall, I still feel this was the best decision and certainly gave me career more rewarding that sorting peoples' bills out-though at least I left all that at the door and only ever worked the hours I was paid for. For many years I was relatively happy teaching English in a secondary school, I especially loved teaching A level Language. I  worked hard for a pastoral promotion and eventually got one but further promotions were not forthcoming and I became frustrated. I loved my pastoral role, helpin...

I have been thinking about this for a while and littlun's actions last night have prompted me to put pen to paper so to speak. He came to me in the middle of the night for no apparent reason other than to cuddle, a really tight cuddle. When you adopt a child, you long to hear them call you mummy or daddy and say 'I love you'. For the most part, they do. We had 'mummy/daddy' from the moment they met us (age 2 and 3). We re not sure they had much of a concept of what a daddy was and we were the homogeneous 'mummydaddy' for a couple of weeks. Next comes 'I love you'. We said it often and still do, we said it until we felt it and continue to this day, several times a day along with the 'you are safe' mantra that they need to hear. As adoptive parents, it will take a while for the love to grow. none of you know each other, no one loves each other from day one- in love with the idea of loving them, in love with the actuality of having each othe...

Adoption is full of heartbreak. Yours, my darling child and mine. We come together not through pure joy (that fleets in and out of our lives) but through heartbreak. We are all filled with fear. Your fear is most likely about being abandoned, not fitting in, not belonging and not being able to even pinpoint what exactly you feel. You were far too young to make sense of it all (can you ever really make sense of what has happened to you?). I think you may feel you are not loved and never will be, I think that you show me this and will continue to share this fear, even if unspoken, in your behaviour for the rest of our lives together. I try to piece together your fear and not project it on to you but I read the thoughts of adoptees and birth parents and I try to arm myself to support you in future years. I fear I cannot be good enough to help you with this fear. I fear that you will blame me for all the past trauma that I couldn’t stop or help. I fear that you will reject me as ...

Dear little one, I know you are hurting. I know you feel loss and are confused. I know you cannot make sense of your life story and I know this is making you act out and rebel at times and generally want to control every aspect of your world and I know you cannot tell me why or how you feel and cannot express exactly what it is and I know you may never be able to express your loss and pain even when you can read all the words and comb through all the Social Worker reports. I know this is why, for instance, on a ferry to a foreign land on a mini cruise, you spent time screaming and turning lights on and off and slamming the bathroom door. I know it made you hide under the bed whilst laughing at us for doing this. I know you were trying to find some control in an unknown place. I know you didn’t mean to be challenging and I know you don’t know why you were being like this either. So, should I not take you anywhere new? Should I keep everything the same, day in, day out...

We are in the middle of National Adoption Week. This is hosted by the website and organisation First 4 Adoption . The idea is to put out a national drive for adopters to come forward to adopt the 1000+ children currently in care. Adopter figures rise and fall and currently there has been a drop in people wanting to adopt- meaning children spend longer in care. You can adopt in several ways, through your Local Authority or a surrounding Local Authority (L.A.) or through a Voluntary Adoption Agency (V.A.). The L.A. will try to place you with children in your local area (or the area local to them) and a V.A. will help you to seek for a child across all of the U.K. Why adopt? This is not an easy route to take in the U.K. but it is not as daunting as you may think. Why do it? Maybe you long for a family and nature has denied you? Maybe you have a birth child or children but want to offer a child in care a home? Maybe adoption is your first choice? There are many reasons t...

When we took them on their first holiday (to Northumberland) they loved it. I don't think I am looking back with rose tinted glasses, I am pretty sure they loved it. It rained and it was frustrating but they were full of wonder and excitement and yes, no doubt, some meltdowns and certainly the ever present sleep issues. They enjoyed new experiences and there were a lot of smiles. I remember being shocked that they didn't seen too bothered by a literal change in scenery. We spent ages on the packing (having read how difficult packing a bag and going away can be for adopted children). Fast forward a year and things were totally different. Similar holiday (this time mid Wales), a cottage again and largely a repeat of the holiday with different scenery. We expected heat and got rain most of the week, so again, pretty much the same weather as well. This time they were unconcerned about packing and they made some attempt to pack their things but really weren't bothered. t...

Sometimes it is little things that remind you that your child is not a 'normal' child ( I hate that word- what is normal? Everyone's 'normal' is something different!). I am not sure what else to say though- we don't need anything to remind us they are  adopted as it is a living and breathing thing that is always with us as adoptive parents, well I believe that to be true. So, I am sticking with there term 'normal' in this case. Beyond needing to know where their own parent is- 'Where daddy?' (in the loo), 'Where mummy?' (in the kitchen), 'Where daddy?' (gone to work, you know that, you said goodbye to him...), 'Where mummy?' (in the same room as you, just look around)- we are reminded that our children don't have the same viewpoint as other children- or maybe they do but we know it comes from loss and adoption so it is deeper rooted as an issue and not just a passing question or concern. How are we reminded?   Films ...

Last week I attended an adoption open evening as a guest speaker for Coram. I was nervous and excited - I wanted to come across as truthful but not negative and certainly not all rosy tinted specs- a good mix of my story, what to expect and positive vibes for the process. I want to give back to the community- hence I became a media champion but also I want to talk to others, to encourage them that this step is a positive one, a hard one, but a positive one. It was an enjoyable evening and I hope I have helped in any small way. it was lovely to see everyone there signing up to proceed into discussions :) Before you begin 1)  Don't listen to advice from anyone who hasn't been through the process in some way or who doesn't have a good working knowledge of the process. Birth parenting is very different to adoptive parenting in many ways. Certainly  don't take any 'horror stories' of disruption (when a placement breaks down). extreme 'poor' behaviour or ...

We wanted this so badly specifically I wanted it the most. It got to the point where I couldn't accept that I was childless. It was not the path I had wanted for my life and I had not been able to successfully bury these feelings (see much earlier posts for my feelings about this!). After some shocked and bemused discussions we dipped our toes in and skirted in the shallow end for quite some time, gathering information and time after time being astonished that we were a viable couple for adoption. In truth, I kept being astounded by this fact until the day they came home! So what did WE think adoption was? I knew in my heart you didn't get babies anymore- this was not a shock to me to find this out. I thought the process would be grueling and we would be weaned out at some point. I thought it would take a while before a child or children would call me Mummy. I thought I would end up with a child or children with a seriously sad background of abuse. I thought I w...

I have seen and used this hashtag on instagram and twitter on many occasions. I first saw it used on instagram and it spoke to me  of happiness, new beginnings and all the positivity of the children's lives now they had found stability. What was 'RO CKING' about adoption for me? A number of things and in no particular order: The fact they were settling and thriving. The fact they were sometimes sharing wonderful sharing moments (especially as mine have more reasons than 'normal' to not share well). The fact they were in wonder at new things, places, experiences. The fact that they tried new foods, new activities and in many cases overcame fear to do them. The fact they were showing how loving and caring they could be, first with the dogs and then with us and family and friends. The fact that there are moments of utter joy and happiness for them and us. The fact that some of their delayed learning and development is coming on leaps and bounds (largely cau...

I am not talking maternity/ adoption leave here- I am talking about having to take parental leave days from work. Okay, this is not specific to adoptive parents, it is all parents but I will go on to adoption specifics later... I did not preempt exactly how many I would need to take in such a short amount of time. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it isn't that many but it is enough to make every one a day filled with worry, frustration, guilt and fear. Worry- How will I be thought of at work? 'Oh, another day off? r=Really? Hmmm' or 'Can't her husband/ mother/ dog look after them?'...Often it is those that are child-free that say these things (okay, not the dog comment!) but not always. I have heard these things said by people about others in the same situation in the past so I assume someone, somewhere may be saying them about me. Am I looked at as a lame excuse of an employee skiving an easy day off? The brain goes into overdrive and the worry about...

We are not strange. We are in a growing number. We are pescatarians. We eat fish but not meat. This is usually so hard to understand that we tell people we are vegetarian (another growing number of people). I have encountered some alarming viewpoints about how we feed our children (and indeed when they were prospective children). Views range from it being tantamount to child abuse to not feed children meat to befuddled views about how we manage to feed children without meat. We faced hard questions at panel for our children, what if they will only eat chicken nuggets? (Yes seriously, this was a question!). Well A: they should be trying other foods, has the FC of 10 months really restricted them like this and not tried to change it? and B: have you heard of quorn and soya products? As far as A was concerned it was a question not even based on the children we were hoping to adopt as they would eat most food and with B apparently some of them hadn't! (it is not exactly a bizar...

Adoptive parents of children that are older (by older, I mean not a young baby) may well, like me, come to parenting with no experience of  babydom, the all absorption of parenthood, the skin to skin contact and the feelings of utter connection (because I don't actually know first hand, I take this from friends who have had babies). We may come to parenthood of our toddlers with a total disconnection of what being a parent is- we come at it through theory, some childcare experience (we helped out at Beavers and i am a teacher) and we read. Some of us may have nieces and nephews, be exceedingly close to a friend's baby or know some baby in a more connected and intimate way. I would hazard a guess that many of us don't. And this is okay really- a majority of birth parents come to their with no prior experience and none of them have been though intensive questioning and appraisal of peers to be a parent. But- and here is the real lesson- we miss out on the crucial bondin...