The panic of parental leave days- guilt, fear and worry.
I am not talking maternity/ adoption leave here- I am talking about having to take parental leave days from work.
Okay, this is not specific to adoptive parents, it is all parents but I will go on to adoption specifics later...
I did not preempt exactly how many I would need to take in such a short amount of time. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it isn't that many but it is enough to make every one a day filled with worry, frustration, guilt and fear.
Worry- How will I be thought of at work? 'Oh, another day off? r=Really? Hmmm' or 'Can't her husband/ mother/ dog look after them?'...Often it is those that are child-free that say these things (okay, not the dog comment!) but not always. I have heard these things said by people about others in the same situation in the past so I assume someone, somewhere may be saying them about me. Am I looked at as a lame excuse of an employee skiving an easy day off? The brain goes into overdrive and the worry about looking 'bad' kicks in...
Frustration- let's face it, a child's illness or school closure due to snow or some other catastrophe does not come at convenient times. What are you missing that you simply NEED to do? What do we have to cancel? What can we not do of our daily grind that causes feelings of frustration about having to take a day off? What if your child is enjoying being off school? For instance- littlest had chicken pox with very little in the way of symptoms and run me and then my husband ragged as he was full of energy! There is also frustration around the worry and guilt as we are helpless in this situation we HAVE to care for them at home, is is not OUR fault after all.
Guilt- Similar to frustration but from the frustration comes guilt. Feeling guilty for worrying about work or your own reputation when the children are the number one priority (and they are- we just can't stop these work related feelings being present in our overactive brains!). We can feel guilty for not cherishing this time with our little ones and cherishing this stolen day with them, cherishing the snuggles and close time when only mummy or daddy will do and we are most needed. How dare we think about work at times like these? The guilt is real.
Fear- What if we need more days off? What happens when I have run out of my five (paid) allocated days (who thought 5 days would ever be enough?). What if I can't find 3rd day provision care- will I be reprimanded? Sanctioned? Given a warning? What if I also get sick from my child and need some sick days on top of previously taking childcare days? There is a real fear that all or some of these things will happen. there is also the fear, the greater and more present fear that your child is sick, they are not responsive in the same way, they have a temperature...what if things get worse? We can work ourselves up to see the common cold to be so much more- especially when they are drowsy and less responsive to us.
As I said earlier, none of this is about adopted kids, it is all parents and kids- we must all feel these emotions about being forced to take parental leave.
However, the difficulty we face as adoptive parents is the change to routine, suddenly the norm has changed and this can totally discombobulate an adopted child. their world is changing and it feels strange. The hyper vigilance is heightened, they may sense our tension with having to take a day off and potentially issues with attachment raise their head again. Children that have already seen so much change can fear change and not only then are they sick, they are stressed, worried and above all, often not able to express these feelings. They also may not cling to mummy and daddy for comfort as you may still be a relative stranger to them, they may not trust you yet and they have these feelings to contend with along with change and along with being sick. This brings hurt and upset for all, as we may not be able to comfort them like we would want and they feel potentially lost and alone.
So parental leave, conclusion:
There aren't enough days allowed (before the panic and stress of unpaid leave)
We feel guilty
Children can fear the change
One of the reasons we really want my husband to be able to work from home, so there is someone always here for them. The search is on for a stay at home job- not easy to find!
Currently, I am enjoying a snow day, my children's school closed and thankfully so did the one I work in- the huge sigh of relief as I received the email, knowing I did not have to take another day of PL!
Okay, this is not specific to adoptive parents, it is all parents but I will go on to adoption specifics later...
I did not preempt exactly how many I would need to take in such a short amount of time. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it isn't that many but it is enough to make every one a day filled with worry, frustration, guilt and fear.
Worry- How will I be thought of at work? 'Oh, another day off? r=Really? Hmmm' or 'Can't her husband/ mother/ dog look after them?'...Often it is those that are child-free that say these things (okay, not the dog comment!) but not always. I have heard these things said by people about others in the same situation in the past so I assume someone, somewhere may be saying them about me. Am I looked at as a lame excuse of an employee skiving an easy day off? The brain goes into overdrive and the worry about looking 'bad' kicks in...
Frustration- let's face it, a child's illness or school closure due to snow or some other catastrophe does not come at convenient times. What are you missing that you simply NEED to do? What do we have to cancel? What can we not do of our daily grind that causes feelings of frustration about having to take a day off? What if your child is enjoying being off school? For instance- littlest had chicken pox with very little in the way of symptoms and run me and then my husband ragged as he was full of energy! There is also frustration around the worry and guilt as we are helpless in this situation we HAVE to care for them at home, is is not OUR fault after all.
Guilt- Similar to frustration but from the frustration comes guilt. Feeling guilty for worrying about work or your own reputation when the children are the number one priority (and they are- we just can't stop these work related feelings being present in our overactive brains!). We can feel guilty for not cherishing this time with our little ones and cherishing this stolen day with them, cherishing the snuggles and close time when only mummy or daddy will do and we are most needed. How dare we think about work at times like these? The guilt is real.
Fear- What if we need more days off? What happens when I have run out of my five (paid) allocated days (who thought 5 days would ever be enough?). What if I can't find 3rd day provision care- will I be reprimanded? Sanctioned? Given a warning? What if I also get sick from my child and need some sick days on top of previously taking childcare days? There is a real fear that all or some of these things will happen. there is also the fear, the greater and more present fear that your child is sick, they are not responsive in the same way, they have a temperature...what if things get worse? We can work ourselves up to see the common cold to be so much more- especially when they are drowsy and less responsive to us.
As I said earlier, none of this is about adopted kids, it is all parents and kids- we must all feel these emotions about being forced to take parental leave.
However, the difficulty we face as adoptive parents is the change to routine, suddenly the norm has changed and this can totally discombobulate an adopted child. their world is changing and it feels strange. The hyper vigilance is heightened, they may sense our tension with having to take a day off and potentially issues with attachment raise their head again. Children that have already seen so much change can fear change and not only then are they sick, they are stressed, worried and above all, often not able to express these feelings. They also may not cling to mummy and daddy for comfort as you may still be a relative stranger to them, they may not trust you yet and they have these feelings to contend with along with change and along with being sick. This brings hurt and upset for all, as we may not be able to comfort them like we would want and they feel potentially lost and alone.
So parental leave, conclusion:
There aren't enough days allowed (before the panic and stress of unpaid leave)
We feel guilty
Children can fear the change
One of the reasons we really want my husband to be able to work from home, so there is someone always here for them. The search is on for a stay at home job- not easy to find!
Currently, I am enjoying a snow day, my children's school closed and thankfully so did the one I work in- the huge sigh of relief as I received the email, knowing I did not have to take another day of PL!
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