Child Appreciation Day
It is a funny title isn't it...I mean, how can you appreciate a child or children that you don't know? An odd concept to appreciate them for what and who they are without ever seeing them! I guess the term is used as we are invited to appreciate the wider picture around them and the journey they have already had.
This day had already been cancelled once and even on the way in the car I was semi convinced it would be cancelled- much like many steps so far I am constantly waiting for things to go wrong-I can't quite believe it things are moving forward (maybe because it is taking so long?). We arrived at the office in an hour with about 20 minutes to spare. We signed in and waited (still expecting to be told it was cancelled!).
So what is this meeting? Professionals involved in the children's and mother's life arrive to talk about their experiences and impart information. Some people couldn't make it to the meeting, such as Watson's nursery key worker, the medical adviser and a few others involved in the wider picture but there were more than enough people there to fill the whole day. First we heard from the family worker who had just met our boys for the first time that week. She is preparing them for a new mummy and daddy- the boys don't know us by name or picture yet (they won't see our introduction books until after the panel date and approval) but the idea of a new mummy and daddy and moving on from the foster carers has been started. Watson is aware that they are looking for a new mummy and daddy and Holmes less so given his age. She will go through our introduction books and dvd with them and encourage the foster carers to do the same daily. She said lots of encouraging things about them and how they interact. We heard from workers with the mother and how she was assessed and how she respond to various help given and work done with her. It was very useful and interesting to listen to this and ask questions about her and how the issues with previous children (in care and adopted) have been dealt with and how she displays her feelings and the limits of her understanding of how and why thing shave happened. We also heard from the boys social worker who has been with the family from the start and dealt with all the other children. we hard from Holmes' nursery about how well he is doing and most importantly, the foster carers both came to talk about the boys.
We heard about their early days, how the boys never smiled and had no idea how to play. This is heartbreaking really- at that point they would have been one and a half and just turned three- they should be able to play, and find joy in things daily. We heard how Holmes has horrific tantrums (we had already been told this) and how they can last an hour or more in really bad times. We were told there was trigger apart from not getting his own way. To impart a little history without giving too much away- he was the favoured child and Watson largely ignored so Holmes was used to getting all the attention (even though that attention involved being carried a lot rather than play and interaction- play was being passed a smartphone). We are not overly worried about this and have researched tantrums extensively and to be fair, it is fairly normal behaviour for a two year old to want everything their own way and deem everything as theirs- they are learning boundaries and possession- even the most 'normal' child in a loving home will go through this (unless parents are exceedingly lucky!). When you remember we are dealing with neglect of emotional and physical needs as a baby the tantrums make a lot more sense. We watched a tantrum fit described as 'a really bad one' that happened in the middle of the night and whilst it looked trying it didn't look that bad really- I am sure it will feel a lot worse when I am in the thick of it but it looked no worse and in fact slightly less bad than some I had seen on youtube. It is very clear that the foster carers are eager to move the boys on and in no way want to keep them (one of my fears!). I get the impression they thought they would have moved them on a lot sooner (as we had also hoped!). There was a sense of a preference of Watson as he was less trouble. We aren't sure how much of the play with the boys has been therapeutic but at the same time they have clearly been cared for, given more time than with their mother, fed well and there has been some hard work with regards to getting the boys to have a bath and have their teeth brushed (both were terrified of this, along with haircuts). It is very sad that they see a fun time like bath time as a fearful event.
One of the loveliest things was looking through a photo album of them since they came to the foster carers- this is an album put together for the mother to keep- I really hope we get copies too (I will be asking) as it is important to go through this time with them. It was lovely to see them in different settings having fun and being silly (we were most pleased to see them in superhero costumes and to be told they love dressing up!).
We arranged a day for a bump meeting. The foster carers seemed hesitant about this as they hadn't done this before but we were insistent that a date was arranged. We went through proposed date to start introductions and what day the ratification would take place. We have another long wait now till matching panel on 20th September.
Overall, the day was very useful, informal (I didn't ask half the questions I prepared! but I did take a lot of notes!). It was a positive, informative and really helped to learn more about their lives, the history behind their removal and how they have changed since going into care. They had their final meeting with their mother end of August so we are waiting to hear how that went and I think also a final meeting with older siblings. We will have to keep in contact with all three by letter via the social workers but this will be their only contact as the older brothers are not adopted so will have access to their mother so physical contact is not allowed.
Next, I will write about the surreal experience that is a bump/ remote viewing meeting! Nothing quite as odd as legitimately staring at children in parks!
This day had already been cancelled once and even on the way in the car I was semi convinced it would be cancelled- much like many steps so far I am constantly waiting for things to go wrong-I can't quite believe it things are moving forward (maybe because it is taking so long?). We arrived at the office in an hour with about 20 minutes to spare. We signed in and waited (still expecting to be told it was cancelled!).
So what is this meeting? Professionals involved in the children's and mother's life arrive to talk about their experiences and impart information. Some people couldn't make it to the meeting, such as Watson's nursery key worker, the medical adviser and a few others involved in the wider picture but there were more than enough people there to fill the whole day. First we heard from the family worker who had just met our boys for the first time that week. She is preparing them for a new mummy and daddy- the boys don't know us by name or picture yet (they won't see our introduction books until after the panel date and approval) but the idea of a new mummy and daddy and moving on from the foster carers has been started. Watson is aware that they are looking for a new mummy and daddy and Holmes less so given his age. She will go through our introduction books and dvd with them and encourage the foster carers to do the same daily. She said lots of encouraging things about them and how they interact. We heard from workers with the mother and how she was assessed and how she respond to various help given and work done with her. It was very useful and interesting to listen to this and ask questions about her and how the issues with previous children (in care and adopted) have been dealt with and how she displays her feelings and the limits of her understanding of how and why thing shave happened. We also heard from the boys social worker who has been with the family from the start and dealt with all the other children. we hard from Holmes' nursery about how well he is doing and most importantly, the foster carers both came to talk about the boys.
We heard about their early days, how the boys never smiled and had no idea how to play. This is heartbreaking really- at that point they would have been one and a half and just turned three- they should be able to play, and find joy in things daily. We heard how Holmes has horrific tantrums (we had already been told this) and how they can last an hour or more in really bad times. We were told there was trigger apart from not getting his own way. To impart a little history without giving too much away- he was the favoured child and Watson largely ignored so Holmes was used to getting all the attention (even though that attention involved being carried a lot rather than play and interaction- play was being passed a smartphone). We are not overly worried about this and have researched tantrums extensively and to be fair, it is fairly normal behaviour for a two year old to want everything their own way and deem everything as theirs- they are learning boundaries and possession- even the most 'normal' child in a loving home will go through this (unless parents are exceedingly lucky!). When you remember we are dealing with neglect of emotional and physical needs as a baby the tantrums make a lot more sense. We watched a tantrum fit described as 'a really bad one' that happened in the middle of the night and whilst it looked trying it didn't look that bad really- I am sure it will feel a lot worse when I am in the thick of it but it looked no worse and in fact slightly less bad than some I had seen on youtube. It is very clear that the foster carers are eager to move the boys on and in no way want to keep them (one of my fears!). I get the impression they thought they would have moved them on a lot sooner (as we had also hoped!). There was a sense of a preference of Watson as he was less trouble. We aren't sure how much of the play with the boys has been therapeutic but at the same time they have clearly been cared for, given more time than with their mother, fed well and there has been some hard work with regards to getting the boys to have a bath and have their teeth brushed (both were terrified of this, along with haircuts). It is very sad that they see a fun time like bath time as a fearful event.
One of the loveliest things was looking through a photo album of them since they came to the foster carers- this is an album put together for the mother to keep- I really hope we get copies too (I will be asking) as it is important to go through this time with them. It was lovely to see them in different settings having fun and being silly (we were most pleased to see them in superhero costumes and to be told they love dressing up!).
We arranged a day for a bump meeting. The foster carers seemed hesitant about this as they hadn't done this before but we were insistent that a date was arranged. We went through proposed date to start introductions and what day the ratification would take place. We have another long wait now till matching panel on 20th September.
Overall, the day was very useful, informal (I didn't ask half the questions I prepared! but I did take a lot of notes!). It was a positive, informative and really helped to learn more about their lives, the history behind their removal and how they have changed since going into care. They had their final meeting with their mother end of August so we are waiting to hear how that went and I think also a final meeting with older siblings. We will have to keep in contact with all three by letter via the social workers but this will be their only contact as the older brothers are not adopted so will have access to their mother so physical contact is not allowed.
Next, I will write about the surreal experience that is a bump/ remote viewing meeting! Nothing quite as odd as legitimately staring at children in parks!
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