A year and a day...
The 4th October marked a year and a day since we first met our boys. A year and a day saw the boys finally become legally ours. A year and a day since they entered our lives they were firmly sealed into it.
I have been absent from the blog as the boys in the meantime were never fully ours. We had majority parental responsibility but we shared this with the local authority and a tiny percentage with the birth mother. She would not respond in any way to any contact from the local authority (meaning we could not get passports for them as she had to sign an agreement). She made no attempt to involve herself and still to this day has not picked up the contact letter we wrote or responded in any way to the adoption order hearing. It is unusual that a birth parent (or family) do not try to appeal the decision or put a plea in to have a hearing- most do even if they have no hope. Whilst it made it easier for us as there was no stopping in the proceedings, I was angry that there was no effort to show a last attempt, albeit hopeless, to show she wanted her children. I was angry and sad on their behalf that they had been written off- they didn't deserve to be forgotten about like this.
The process took 8 months. It shouldn't take this long- but it did. We waited until February to apply for the adoption order as, naively, we didn't want it to be through before April as we wanted Watson to get a secured place in the school we wanted. As a looked after child, we were able to place him into any school we wanted. We never imagined that it would take so long to finally get to court.
This year and a day has taken us on so many journeys. There is nothing, nothing that can prepare you for two toddlers suddenly arriving in your lives, in your house. Nothing can teach you how to deal with it and nothing can help you get through it- not really. No amount of reading about adoption (including coping with siblings) or talking to our social worker, talking to the foster carers or just talking generally can ever prepare you for the realities of two little strangers landing like an alien rave in your comfy little life.
Essentially, you are getting two individuals who are dealing with loss and grief without knowing exactly what they are dealing with, who have been passed around to various people and who have already experienced so much upheaval. Ours were relatively lucky- from birth home to foster carers and only two weeks of different respite care in the 10 months they were with foster carers (this, itself made me somewhat angry, if the local authority could have worked quicker, they could have been with us quicker and they wouldn't have needed to have to experience the second week in respite care in the summer holidays- it still breaks my heart that the foster carers didn't want them on holiday as Holmes in particular was too much trouble).
So, here they were, two strangers living with two strangers. Yes we had some lovely times during the visiting by a few hours with them each day is nothing like having them live with you!
And so, eventually, we get to Celebration/ adoption day.
We bought the boys a grey checked suit and bow tie and they looked adorable. I was in a new embroidered dress (that got compliments from several strangers in the day!) and Karl wore a tweed suit (but of course!). With us for the event in court was my mum, Karl's parents and his sister and her husband and one of her sons and two of our very good friends, Jon and Abbie (who the boys know very well). our social worker and the boys social worker. The judge arrived and announced that the boys were now legally ours and that is it- that is all that is legally needed- it to be declared in a court. the boys were handed a certificate for the day and I asked the judge to read out their names as we had a surprise for my mum, we had given both boys an additional middle name (you cannot change the first names without a very good reason for protection). We gave Holmes the middle name of Peter- my late father. My mum had no idea as we had kept it secret as a surprise. She didn't even hear it the first time the judge read it out- I think by the time she did she was very pleasantly surprised and pleased with our choice. We gave Watson the middle name of William, Karl's late grandad (Karl's parents knew about this already).
We were invited up to stand behind the judges desk and the boys were allowed to try on judges wigs and sit on her desk. We had photos taken and that was it! Over! we were expecting to sign something ourselves and also expecting to get the new 'birth' certificates as I was eager to start getting their names changed everywhere- apparently we have to wait for that to arrive through the post.
Afterwards we went for a drink and then a meal to celebrate. The boys loved being made a fuss of and they especially loved being with people as the love being around others they know. They had some lovely gifts and generally had a great time (Watson had a bit of a meltdown a few times, the emotion of the day). We gave the boys silver mini dog tag necklaces with the new name on and we bought each other jewellry to mark the occasion.
What did we feel other than having a nice day? Relief- no more social worker visits, no more Looked After Child Reviews and no more having that little niggle in the back of our minds that the boys were not fully ours.
On the Sunday, a very good friend of mine organised a party for all all our friends in the boys lives- a way bigger get together than I thought it would be- I knew of a few people but the list was way bigger. It was wonderful to see so many people had made the effort to come to the party and help with the organisation either physically and or monetarily. We have some wonderful, generous friends and we are truly grateful. There was even a wonderful Harry Potter cake- seeing as we are Potter obsessed and Holmes has a Potter themed bedroom (his choice, Watson has Star Wars, again, his choice). It was a wonderful afternoon and one we will cherish.
And there ends this chapter in our Adoption journey.
But like any family, lives carry on and I will be blogging with little chapter to tell about some of our journey leading up post and then life beyond the adoption order!
Now the boys are ours, I feel I can tell our story in more detail (though some detail will never go on line as this is their lives and their story).
It's good to be back on the blog!
I have been absent from the blog as the boys in the meantime were never fully ours. We had majority parental responsibility but we shared this with the local authority and a tiny percentage with the birth mother. She would not respond in any way to any contact from the local authority (meaning we could not get passports for them as she had to sign an agreement). She made no attempt to involve herself and still to this day has not picked up the contact letter we wrote or responded in any way to the adoption order hearing. It is unusual that a birth parent (or family) do not try to appeal the decision or put a plea in to have a hearing- most do even if they have no hope. Whilst it made it easier for us as there was no stopping in the proceedings, I was angry that there was no effort to show a last attempt, albeit hopeless, to show she wanted her children. I was angry and sad on their behalf that they had been written off- they didn't deserve to be forgotten about like this.
The process took 8 months. It shouldn't take this long- but it did. We waited until February to apply for the adoption order as, naively, we didn't want it to be through before April as we wanted Watson to get a secured place in the school we wanted. As a looked after child, we were able to place him into any school we wanted. We never imagined that it would take so long to finally get to court.
This year and a day has taken us on so many journeys. There is nothing, nothing that can prepare you for two toddlers suddenly arriving in your lives, in your house. Nothing can teach you how to deal with it and nothing can help you get through it- not really. No amount of reading about adoption (including coping with siblings) or talking to our social worker, talking to the foster carers or just talking generally can ever prepare you for the realities of two little strangers landing like an alien rave in your comfy little life.
Essentially, you are getting two individuals who are dealing with loss and grief without knowing exactly what they are dealing with, who have been passed around to various people and who have already experienced so much upheaval. Ours were relatively lucky- from birth home to foster carers and only two weeks of different respite care in the 10 months they were with foster carers (this, itself made me somewhat angry, if the local authority could have worked quicker, they could have been with us quicker and they wouldn't have needed to have to experience the second week in respite care in the summer holidays- it still breaks my heart that the foster carers didn't want them on holiday as Holmes in particular was too much trouble).
So, here they were, two strangers living with two strangers. Yes we had some lovely times during the visiting by a few hours with them each day is nothing like having them live with you!
And so, eventually, we get to Celebration/ adoption day.
We bought the boys a grey checked suit and bow tie and they looked adorable. I was in a new embroidered dress (that got compliments from several strangers in the day!) and Karl wore a tweed suit (but of course!). With us for the event in court was my mum, Karl's parents and his sister and her husband and one of her sons and two of our very good friends, Jon and Abbie (who the boys know very well). our social worker and the boys social worker. The judge arrived and announced that the boys were now legally ours and that is it- that is all that is legally needed- it to be declared in a court. the boys were handed a certificate for the day and I asked the judge to read out their names as we had a surprise for my mum, we had given both boys an additional middle name (you cannot change the first names without a very good reason for protection). We gave Holmes the middle name of Peter- my late father. My mum had no idea as we had kept it secret as a surprise. She didn't even hear it the first time the judge read it out- I think by the time she did she was very pleasantly surprised and pleased with our choice. We gave Watson the middle name of William, Karl's late grandad (Karl's parents knew about this already).
We were invited up to stand behind the judges desk and the boys were allowed to try on judges wigs and sit on her desk. We had photos taken and that was it! Over! we were expecting to sign something ourselves and also expecting to get the new 'birth' certificates as I was eager to start getting their names changed everywhere- apparently we have to wait for that to arrive through the post.
Afterwards we went for a drink and then a meal to celebrate. The boys loved being made a fuss of and they especially loved being with people as the love being around others they know. They had some lovely gifts and generally had a great time (Watson had a bit of a meltdown a few times, the emotion of the day). We gave the boys silver mini dog tag necklaces with the new name on and we bought each other jewellry to mark the occasion.
What did we feel other than having a nice day? Relief- no more social worker visits, no more Looked After Child Reviews and no more having that little niggle in the back of our minds that the boys were not fully ours.
On the Sunday, a very good friend of mine organised a party for all all our friends in the boys lives- a way bigger get together than I thought it would be- I knew of a few people but the list was way bigger. It was wonderful to see so many people had made the effort to come to the party and help with the organisation either physically and or monetarily. We have some wonderful, generous friends and we are truly grateful. There was even a wonderful Harry Potter cake- seeing as we are Potter obsessed and Holmes has a Potter themed bedroom (his choice, Watson has Star Wars, again, his choice). It was a wonderful afternoon and one we will cherish.
And there ends this chapter in our Adoption journey.
But like any family, lives carry on and I will be blogging with little chapter to tell about some of our journey leading up post and then life beyond the adoption order!
Now the boys are ours, I feel I can tell our story in more detail (though some detail will never go on line as this is their lives and their story).
It's good to be back on the blog!
Comments
Post a Comment