When they are finally yours...relief and fear!
The name certificates are up on their bedroom walls...the new birth certificates have arrived and we have no SW scrutiny anymore- these boys 'belong' (I say belong, but I don't believe any human should belong to another) to us- not just in our hearts and minds but legally.
So is there a difference? Do we feel differently about them now? How do we feel now the safety net has gone?
There is a difference, it is a mixture of relief and fear.
Relief:
Another chapter of the journey has ended and it is a welcome end. I was sick of LAC (looked after child) reviews and sick of chasing and chasing the LA for various pieces of information and more than anything, sick of never fully feeling like a family (as we didn't have full parental responsibility).
Don't get me wrong, our VA SW was awesome and super supportive but there was always this niggling feeling that they boys weren't fully ours.
I was relived that I didn't have to deal with the LA again, as to be honest, all delays and incorrect information was their doing. I had to reject the later life letter first time round as it didn't reflect their situation at all and lacked cohesiveness; quite frankly had several errors in it that didn't not tell their story as we had heard it. The boys had 3 LA SW in the time between matching and placing and a lot of the story had been lost. The second version was not a lot better, it even got the date we met them incorrect- but we figured we had proof of that so it didn't matter.
Later life books are a clip art nightmare but at least have a few more facts in them than the letter.
Overall, it was a sense of 'finally!' that releases the little worry cloud hanging over you during the 'looked after' period!
Fear:
Oh yeah,the fear- whilst there is the relief there is also the fear- WE ARE ON OUR OWN! (even though, we really were before to be honest!). And let's face it YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM BACK! Someone has said you LEGALLY have to look after them ;) (not saying we wanted to, obviously!). I still had a feeling of inadequacy, still in disbelief that people thought that I was good enough- it seems I can never quite shake the belief that I would be allowed to adopt- even though the living, laughing, sometimes screaming proof sat in my living room (when I say sat, I usually mean running around, fighting and demanding food!).
Fear. There is also fear that we are experiencing the real children now, the damaged, fragile, scared and stubborn children who were making themselves known to us...not that we expected a life of sunshine and roses but the reality of seeing little textbook attachment disorder children emerge is a little scary to be totally honest. I imagine we all hope our children aren't scarred- but they are, all of them, in different ways, but they are and seeing these scars emerge is upsetting for them and for us and another little reminder that we are not 'normal' parents- we will never really know their triggers and traumas and how their early life has shaped them- we can hope to piece it together and help them deal with it all but it is always there. We didn't shape it and we can't break it.
But overall, two giggly, funny, happy and tantruming little boys were ours- truly ours and that was something to be thankful for (yes even when muttering 'f'sakes' under your breath! And yes, ours picked up on it and started saying 'sakes' at things!).
So is there a difference? Do we feel differently about them now? How do we feel now the safety net has gone?
There is a difference, it is a mixture of relief and fear.
Relief:
Another chapter of the journey has ended and it is a welcome end. I was sick of LAC (looked after child) reviews and sick of chasing and chasing the LA for various pieces of information and more than anything, sick of never fully feeling like a family (as we didn't have full parental responsibility).
Don't get me wrong, our VA SW was awesome and super supportive but there was always this niggling feeling that they boys weren't fully ours.
I was relived that I didn't have to deal with the LA again, as to be honest, all delays and incorrect information was their doing. I had to reject the later life letter first time round as it didn't reflect their situation at all and lacked cohesiveness; quite frankly had several errors in it that didn't not tell their story as we had heard it. The boys had 3 LA SW in the time between matching and placing and a lot of the story had been lost. The second version was not a lot better, it even got the date we met them incorrect- but we figured we had proof of that so it didn't matter.
Later life books are a clip art nightmare but at least have a few more facts in them than the letter.
Overall, it was a sense of 'finally!' that releases the little worry cloud hanging over you during the 'looked after' period!
Fear:
Oh yeah,the fear- whilst there is the relief there is also the fear- WE ARE ON OUR OWN! (even though, we really were before to be honest!). And let's face it YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM BACK! Someone has said you LEGALLY have to look after them ;) (not saying we wanted to, obviously!). I still had a feeling of inadequacy, still in disbelief that people thought that I was good enough- it seems I can never quite shake the belief that I would be allowed to adopt- even though the living, laughing, sometimes screaming proof sat in my living room (when I say sat, I usually mean running around, fighting and demanding food!).
Fear. There is also fear that we are experiencing the real children now, the damaged, fragile, scared and stubborn children who were making themselves known to us...not that we expected a life of sunshine and roses but the reality of seeing little textbook attachment disorder children emerge is a little scary to be totally honest. I imagine we all hope our children aren't scarred- but they are, all of them, in different ways, but they are and seeing these scars emerge is upsetting for them and for us and another little reminder that we are not 'normal' parents- we will never really know their triggers and traumas and how their early life has shaped them- we can hope to piece it together and help them deal with it all but it is always there. We didn't shape it and we can't break it.
But overall, two giggly, funny, happy and tantruming little boys were ours- truly ours and that was something to be thankful for (yes even when muttering 'f'sakes' under your breath! And yes, ours picked up on it and started saying 'sakes' at things!).
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