#adoptionrocks- or does it? (with an adoptee guest writer)
I have seen and used this hashtag on instagram and twitter on many occasions.
I first saw it used on instagram and it spoke to me of happiness, new beginnings and all the positivity of the children's lives now they had found stability.
What was 'ROCKING' about adoption for me? A number of things and in no particular order:
The fact they were settling and thriving.
The fact they were sometimes sharing wonderful sharing moments (especially as mine have more reasons than 'normal' to not share well).
The fact they were in wonder at new things, places, experiences.
The fact that they tried new foods, new activities and in many cases overcame fear to do them.
The fact they were showing how loving and caring they could be, first with the dogs and then with us and family and friends.
The fact that there are moments of utter joy and happiness for them and us.
The fact that some of their delayed learning and development is coming on leaps and bounds (largely caused by neglect).
The fact that, yes, we were finally parents- I was finally mummy.
There is so much that ROCKS about adoption, both for the adopter and the adoptee.
For these reasons, I used this hashtag, along with a little anecdote and often a picture of a blurred out face or a 'sticker' over the face or a comedy pair of digital glasses- you know, the way we do, to protect identity (may I also add I love that twitter and instagram are full of parents like me and pictures of children's backs and obscured faces- it makes me feel like I have found a community of others that understand).
What doesn't ROCK about adoption?
The fact that children have had to be removed from their birth mother/father/family.
(I come at this with a U.K. standpoint where children are so very rarely given up by mothers as an option- largely as the stigma of young mothers and single mothers is not so much of an issue here, Children are almost entirely taken into the care system due to neglect and abuse of some kind).
The fact that they experience loss they cannot understand
The fact that they may have had several moves before finding adoptive parents
The fact that they are disconnected from what they were born into (even though this disconnection in the UK is due to neglect and abuse and was needed to keep them safe- from what I can tell all is done to find family able to take them on and work done with birth parents to help them before the sad decision is made).
The fact that the adoptive family had a lot of learning to adjust to not just parenting but to being therapists
The fact that there are a lot of issues in the system, delays and stumbling blocks, all adding up to children not being placed as quickly as they should
The fact that loss and trauma are going to have lasting affect on children
To me, I am ROCKING their achievements NOT that they have had to be removed and had to experience loss.
BUT I have come across the hatred of this term by grown up adoptees twice now...and been faced with the flip side to the positivity I first saw in this hashtag.
It is my pleasure to introduce my first guest writer on my blog, Intagrammer, @adopteeoutloud,
https://adopteeoutloud.weebly.com/
.
"I was born in 1976 in Manhattan, Kansas. A small town in the middle of the United States. My mother was 19 years old at the time of my birth and unwed. At this time unwed mothers were frowned upon With a heavy layer of shame. Her parents sent her 1500 miles away from her hometown to carry and labor a baby to be kept secret. She was told she could not bring her baby home, so she signed her parental rights over while medicated and healing from a c-section delivery.
I was adopted through a private and closed adoption meaning I had zero contact and no information on my mother, my father, my beginnings and roots. I was told I was given a better life through adoption, but in reality I was given a DIFFERENT life. I had a happy life and was provided all I could ever need....except for being able to love my first family. Adoption said love would heal my wounds, but really my pain was just covered, buried and masked with an imaginary bandage. I never stopped missing and aching to know my family. The bandage would eventually rip off and I’d be walking around with open bloody wounds.
When I see adoption Rocks it reminds me that society has always told me how I should feel about being adopted...relinquished. Society says I should feel grateful. That all I ever needed was love. I should only think adoption is beautiful and God’s plan for my life.
If I told you that when I looked into the mirror and wondered if my mother had the same eyes, would you tell me that Rocks? Or if I said I lost my entire family? If it were to death you definitely wouldn’t tell me it rocks and I’m telling you I have grieved my entire life. If I told you that I cried myself to sleep many times as a little girl and even as an adult because my heart couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough, what I had done wrong? Why wasn’t I loved by my first mother? I would think you were heartless to say ADOPTION ROCKS. It’s insensitive and to me it tells the world who you think adoption is about. It should always be about the child and that means guarding their heart who has been broken by great loss.
I understand wanting to celebrate and shout from the rooftops your love for your adopted child. I do! But your child’s life began with extreme loss. Honor that and respect that. Your family rocks....say that. Let your child take the lead of their sacred story. Their story and feelings isn’t meant to be defined by anyone else. If they want to cry let them cry. If they want to dance let them dance. If you want to truly see them soar, you won’t clip their wings with your own interpretation of their joy or heartache".
Would I tell someone else who had experienced a different loss that their situation rocked? Of course I wouldn't. It is a hashtag that has, clearly, polar opposite reactions. I have re-evaluated my use of it and reflected that though much ROCKS about adoption, there is a lot that does not.
I do find the U.S. system of influencing young mothers to be to give up children to doting want to be parents rather sickening, especially the huge amount of money paid to a private agency- when very often a good support system, care and help (including financial help) and love of others may mean the child could stay with their birth mother. I am glad to see more focus on open adoption , where the child grows up often with visits from the birth mother more encouraging- but still it smacks of a society that is unwilling to help young mothers or mothers in financial crisis other than taking their baby away from them.
Our U.K. system is so different- not without its own issues (I believe we have the highest rate of children taken in to care without consent- meaning the birth family have not agreed but the situation is so dire it is enforced). I know my own children's story and know much was done to help it not get to the situation it did. We (as in the U.K. system) have life story books, contact letters, sometimes actual contact with siblings or extended family. All details are with adoptive parents and social services and nothing locked down. I hope this helps my children in the future. I don't know when it became law that records were available to adopted children at age 18 in the U.K.
So, does #adoptionrock? I guess not- I have started using the hashtag #adopteesrock, switching the focus on THEM and not the process.
So, join me, and use #adopteesrock instead- it is a bit lonely out there trying to rectify the #adotionrocks club membership with a more positive outlook.
I first saw it used on instagram and it spoke to me of happiness, new beginnings and all the positivity of the children's lives now they had found stability.
What was 'ROCKING' about adoption for me? A number of things and in no particular order:
The fact they were settling and thriving.
The fact they were sometimes sharing wonderful sharing moments (especially as mine have more reasons than 'normal' to not share well).
The fact they were in wonder at new things, places, experiences.
The fact that they tried new foods, new activities and in many cases overcame fear to do them.
The fact they were showing how loving and caring they could be, first with the dogs and then with us and family and friends.
The fact that there are moments of utter joy and happiness for them and us.
The fact that some of their delayed learning and development is coming on leaps and bounds (largely caused by neglect).
The fact that, yes, we were finally parents- I was finally mummy.
There is so much that ROCKS about adoption, both for the adopter and the adoptee.
For these reasons, I used this hashtag, along with a little anecdote and often a picture of a blurred out face or a 'sticker' over the face or a comedy pair of digital glasses- you know, the way we do, to protect identity (may I also add I love that twitter and instagram are full of parents like me and pictures of children's backs and obscured faces- it makes me feel like I have found a community of others that understand).
What doesn't ROCK about adoption?
The fact that children have had to be removed from their birth mother/father/family.
(I come at this with a U.K. standpoint where children are so very rarely given up by mothers as an option- largely as the stigma of young mothers and single mothers is not so much of an issue here, Children are almost entirely taken into the care system due to neglect and abuse of some kind).
The fact that they experience loss they cannot understand
The fact that they may have had several moves before finding adoptive parents
The fact that they are disconnected from what they were born into (even though this disconnection in the UK is due to neglect and abuse and was needed to keep them safe- from what I can tell all is done to find family able to take them on and work done with birth parents to help them before the sad decision is made).
The fact that the adoptive family had a lot of learning to adjust to not just parenting but to being therapists
The fact that there are a lot of issues in the system, delays and stumbling blocks, all adding up to children not being placed as quickly as they should
The fact that loss and trauma are going to have lasting affect on children
To me, I am ROCKING their achievements NOT that they have had to be removed and had to experience loss.
BUT I have come across the hatred of this term by grown up adoptees twice now...and been faced with the flip side to the positivity I first saw in this hashtag.
It is my pleasure to introduce my first guest writer on my blog, Intagrammer, @adopteeoutloud,
https://adopteeoutloud.weebly.com/
.
"I was born in 1976 in Manhattan, Kansas. A small town in the middle of the United States. My mother was 19 years old at the time of my birth and unwed. At this time unwed mothers were frowned upon With a heavy layer of shame. Her parents sent her 1500 miles away from her hometown to carry and labor a baby to be kept secret. She was told she could not bring her baby home, so she signed her parental rights over while medicated and healing from a c-section delivery.
I was adopted through a private and closed adoption meaning I had zero contact and no information on my mother, my father, my beginnings and roots. I was told I was given a better life through adoption, but in reality I was given a DIFFERENT life. I had a happy life and was provided all I could ever need....except for being able to love my first family. Adoption said love would heal my wounds, but really my pain was just covered, buried and masked with an imaginary bandage. I never stopped missing and aching to know my family. The bandage would eventually rip off and I’d be walking around with open bloody wounds.
When I see adoption Rocks it reminds me that society has always told me how I should feel about being adopted...relinquished. Society says I should feel grateful. That all I ever needed was love. I should only think adoption is beautiful and God’s plan for my life.
If I told you that when I looked into the mirror and wondered if my mother had the same eyes, would you tell me that Rocks? Or if I said I lost my entire family? If it were to death you definitely wouldn’t tell me it rocks and I’m telling you I have grieved my entire life. If I told you that I cried myself to sleep many times as a little girl and even as an adult because my heart couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough, what I had done wrong? Why wasn’t I loved by my first mother? I would think you were heartless to say ADOPTION ROCKS. It’s insensitive and to me it tells the world who you think adoption is about. It should always be about the child and that means guarding their heart who has been broken by great loss.
I understand wanting to celebrate and shout from the rooftops your love for your adopted child. I do! But your child’s life began with extreme loss. Honor that and respect that. Your family rocks....say that. Let your child take the lead of their sacred story. Their story and feelings isn’t meant to be defined by anyone else. If they want to cry let them cry. If they want to dance let them dance. If you want to truly see them soar, you won’t clip their wings with your own interpretation of their joy or heartache".
Would I tell someone else who had experienced a different loss that their situation rocked? Of course I wouldn't. It is a hashtag that has, clearly, polar opposite reactions. I have re-evaluated my use of it and reflected that though much ROCKS about adoption, there is a lot that does not.
I do find the U.S. system of influencing young mothers to be to give up children to doting want to be parents rather sickening, especially the huge amount of money paid to a private agency- when very often a good support system, care and help (including financial help) and love of others may mean the child could stay with their birth mother. I am glad to see more focus on open adoption , where the child grows up often with visits from the birth mother more encouraging- but still it smacks of a society that is unwilling to help young mothers or mothers in financial crisis other than taking their baby away from them.
Our U.K. system is so different- not without its own issues (I believe we have the highest rate of children taken in to care without consent- meaning the birth family have not agreed but the situation is so dire it is enforced). I know my own children's story and know much was done to help it not get to the situation it did. We (as in the U.K. system) have life story books, contact letters, sometimes actual contact with siblings or extended family. All details are with adoptive parents and social services and nothing locked down. I hope this helps my children in the future. I don't know when it became law that records were available to adopted children at age 18 in the U.K.
So, does #adoptionrock? I guess not- I have started using the hashtag #adopteesrock, switching the focus on THEM and not the process.
So, join me, and use #adopteesrock instead- it is a bit lonely out there trying to rectify the #adotionrocks club membership with a more positive outlook.
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