Top 5 of everything! Adopting start to finish.
Last week I attended an adoption open evening as a guest speaker for Coram. I was nervous and excited - I wanted to come across as truthful but not negative and certainly not all rosy tinted specs- a good mix of my story, what to expect and positive vibes for the process. I want to give back to the community- hence I became a media champion but also I want to talk to others, to encourage them that this step is a positive one, a hard one, but a positive one. It was an enjoyable evening and I hope I have helped in any small way. it was lovely to see everyone there signing up to proceed into discussions :)
Before you begin
1) Don't listen to advice from anyone who hasn't been through the process in some way or who doesn't have a good working knowledge of the process. Birth parenting is very different to adoptive parenting in many ways. Certainly don't take any 'horror stories' of disruption (when a placement breaks down). extreme 'poor' behaviour or a terrible experience of the process to heart. The happy stories don't come to light as readily as the negative ones. Not saying they don't exist- of course they do but things like disruption are very rare and many also do not experience extremes of behaviour and those with negative adoption process stories will have things they do not tell you (as well as the things they do tell you). Stay positive about everything and believe you can adopt.
1a) Steer clear of forums- most who write on them write about the negative and it can be very depressive. People can be very bitter and angry (not saying they shouldn't be as they all have their own stories) but again negative stories outweigh positive as positive stories are written about less.
2) Believe you can! There are very few people who cannot adopt. You don't need to be from an affluent background, you don't need to be a home owner, you don't need savings and a huge support network. Health issues and disability may not be an issue and sexuality is not an issue. Don't think you can't, think you can!
3) You need to be realistic- you will be very unlikely to get a baby. You will not be getting an 'undamaged' child. They will not forget their early life experiences- it is deep rooted- yes even tiny babies. The brain is most vulnerable as a baby and this is when loss, neglect, lack of attachment will have a long lasting affect. You will be getting a child who has issues, maybe not straight away but they will surface somehow and you may need intervention later in their life. The only way you are likely to get a baby is to go for the foster to adopt route. If you do this, there is a slight possibility you may have to give the child back, there are no guarantees, however sure social services may be about a future adoption order. If you can cope with this, go for it- if you cannot cope with it, go for a standard adoption. Be realistic about the age of the child you may be looking to adopt- how old would you consider?
4) Tell people early. Not everyone of course, but parents and family and really close friends will need to know you are entering the process as you will need emotional support. It may be a shock for them (it was for ours) and they may need time to process what you are thinking of doing as it will impact on their lives too. Don't announce to the world as it isn't their business but telling those closest will mean you are not going through it all alone.
5) Seek a community- I highly recommend twitter over facebook (far more negative) and Instagram. Twitter felt like finding a family, I wish I had joined the adoption community sooner and not waited until I became a social media champion. Find someone well known (like authors of adoption books) and look at their followers- heck, look though mine, I have only added adopters, adoptees and social workers because my twitter is only about adoption.
When you start the process:
1) Listen to your social worker. They are on your side. Once you have been approved to start stage one THEY WANT YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL Cynically, either you will need to make a quota and need to place their children (L.A.s) or you will ensure money comes in and their success rate continues (V.A.s). That is of course very cynical! Ultimately, they care and they want to help YOU find a CHILD that NEEDS a home. You want to give a child a home, and they want that to happen too- they are on your side. The process is not there to trip anyone up or ask difficult questions to hurt you or annoy you. I can't tell you not to panic about panel, of course you will- it will be sweaty palms and panic all the way but it is not there to trick you, be honest and remember the children come first.
2) Don't believe the 'memes'. 'All they need is love' for example. This is the worst thing to believe. Of course they NEED love. But the also need so much more, understanding, time, patience, someone to look out for them, someone to put routine in, someone to be the metaphorical punch bag for their rages, someone to understand their traumas and someone to live with it and still show a steadfast approach to them. Love is not enough. So many non-adopters will say things like 'oh, well you will love them and give them a good home, they will be fine'. Sometimes you might want to correct people, sometimes you will just grin and bear it.
3) Be prepared to talk about your past, your childhood, you ex partners, your relationship, your parents parenting styles, your work, your jobs and be prepared to write it all down. Don't see it as an intrusion, see it as a way to match you to a child you can live with and grow with. Don't lie, don't wash over things, be honest, This process is about you realising who you are and what you can cope with on your own or as a couple- this level of detail is needed, don't see it as negative, see it as positive.
4) Read as much as you can! Look up suggested reading lists, do online training, ask for recommendations. Read blogs, watch youtube clips and documentaries, ask others you know who have adopted about the process and what to read. The more you can show your interest and commitment the better and the more you find out the better. Read up about attachment theory/ attachment disorder and therapeutic parenting.
4a) Get child care experience. This is essential to show your dedication. We went to Beavers. See if you can help out at clubs, church groups, schools.
5) Enjoy prep group meetings- you will meet other prospective adopters and if you want to, stay in touch- perhaps the start of your own community. Ask questions, all the questions, nothing is a silly question! Now is the time to talk to professionals who are not your social worker and learn from them.
6) Sorry- I need a number 6 here! Get your room/s ready! Paint and paper and kit out a room for a generic child, put some books in, toys in ,bedding and make it look as nice as you can as a blank canvas. this will impress a child's social worker at a later date and if you are going to do foster to adopt this is essential as you will only have a few days notice!
When you get to matching:
Congratulations- you are now at the hard part! Buckle up, it is going to get bumpy!
1) Your social worker is going to be your biggest asset here- that and the admin/ family finders. You will be given profiles to look at but may well be family finding for yourself. There is a site called Link Maker- I jokingly call it match.com but for kids! It totally is- you will write your own profile and you will be searching for children on there who you feel would match your family situation. You are in charge here. You will esquire about children, your social worker will chase it- it is out of your hands after this. Keep in contact, the more bothered you are and the more you ask questions the more likely you are to succeed.
2) You will likely be linked to children and that link never follows through- you may have read their reports (information beyond their profiles) and you may even have had a social worker visit (the child's social worker) and you may still not be the chosen one/s. There may be several disappointments on your journey/ This, hands down, is the HARDEST part of the adoption process. Stay strong, lean on your support network, dust yourself off and start again. You do not have time to be bitter. Also, read my blog post about using Link Maker and how to be more successful.
3) Don't be desperate. Don't go for the first child 'offered' to you. Social workers can send you profiles through the site. These are often the very hard to place children, though I am sure, not always. You must be honest with yourself about what you can cope with for the rest of your life. It will mean you wait longer but you have to do this. Yes they all need a home and yes they all deserve a family BUT you must, must, must be honest and listen to you head not your heart and listen to your social worker who will know more than you what type of child will fit you and your situation.
4) Once you are matched- it usually takes 8-10 weeks to get to the introduction stage. Do not feel trapped- if things seem very wrong, talk to your social worker immediately. Things may take longer, this is frustrating but there is nothing you can do Instead, cherish the time you are 'free' of children, plan nice things to do and nice places to go.
5) Child appreciation day- make a list of questions for the family workers, the foster carers, the health visitors- this is your one chance to find out as much as possible about your child. It is a full on day but so essential. Again, no question is a silly question. make notes on the day.
Introduction and placement:
1) You will have likely made a books and/ or dvd that your child will have seen lots. They are aware of you. There is no way you won't be nervous and excited and be full of fear that they will reject you. Thy want a new family (if they are able to understand and are old enough to try to comprehend it all). Be guided by the foster carers. They have a great insight to your child, treat them as your friend, not your enemy. They have given up children before and even if it hurts they are wanting to do it again as they know the child will be making their final move.There would be something wrong if they weren't a bit day to give them to you! Go with the fear and ride it out on that first day! My advice is to bring a toy they can associate with meeting you.
2) Don't let the foster carers talk you into seeing the child longer than agreed/ don't be tempted to push for it- you will likely feel like you want to. It is essential the contact is built up slowly. You need down time, you will be exhausted. You need to look after your own mental health as much as possible.
3) Have no expectations- visits to places might not go well, they might, be adaptable. You may also experience fear and loss setting in if they are scared to leave their foster carers. There may be tears and screams on parting, there may not- keep your eye on the goal and the future for your child.
4) Honeymoon period-I cannot say what you will experience when they come home but what I can assure you is that this will not be the child you will end up with behaviour-wise. Think from their point of view, they don'y know you and they may be hyper-vigilant and scared to displease you. You may experience a lovey time of compliance and happiness- this is not your child's true self. They may be angry, sad, volatile - this is also not your child. You will get to know them and they you- there will be ups and downs. Stick to routine from day one.
5) You cannot be perfect. You will get angry, sad, scared, you will do things 'wrong', you will forget to be therapeutic, you will forget where their behaviour is coming from. Accept that you will make mistakes, all parents do, adoptive or not. You are not perfect and neither is your child- accept this and learn together. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Living with your child:
Oh boy! There is no way I can cover everything!
1) Unsolicited parental advice- this will drive you insane! People will feel the need to give advice because you are 'new' to parenting- I am sure this happens to birth parents in abundance too! It is singularly one of the most annoying things. You will get told the obvious, the wrong (as in they have no idea how to deal with an adopted child with trauma but think their catch all advice will work anyway). You have two choices here- a) bite back and tell people to back off (I save this for strangers!) and b) grin and bear it!
2) When/ if your child's behaviour changes and they start to fight back/ resist authority/ challenge you- WELL DONE! Seriously, it doesn't feel good but WELL DONE! You child is feeling settled enough to let it out- even if they can't express it. You will likely see a change at some point. Ride out tantrums and screaming fits- don't be afraid to let them happen safely in public- sod the onlookers and tutters (usually old people!). Ignore it all and let it come out. You are not a bad parent because it is happening- you are a parent they now trust- at least partly!
3) Set routines that work and be free to change these. try and trial and change if they fail. There are often issues with eating, time frames- a hourly chart can be a good idea- work out what will fit for you and your child.
4) Be firm with family and friends if you need to- they should not be visiting too often , they should not be wanting overnighters too soon. They will be excited about their new grandchild/ family member but it is YOUR CALL not theirs. Adopted children need to feel safe and too much time away from them too early will be damaging.
5) Take time to enjoy the small things, the little achievements and above all, if you are in a partnership discuss everything but always support each other at the time- talk about it later if there is an issue, a solid front is so essential.
Before you begin
1) Don't listen to advice from anyone who hasn't been through the process in some way or who doesn't have a good working knowledge of the process. Birth parenting is very different to adoptive parenting in many ways. Certainly don't take any 'horror stories' of disruption (when a placement breaks down). extreme 'poor' behaviour or a terrible experience of the process to heart. The happy stories don't come to light as readily as the negative ones. Not saying they don't exist- of course they do but things like disruption are very rare and many also do not experience extremes of behaviour and those with negative adoption process stories will have things they do not tell you (as well as the things they do tell you). Stay positive about everything and believe you can adopt.
1a) Steer clear of forums- most who write on them write about the negative and it can be very depressive. People can be very bitter and angry (not saying they shouldn't be as they all have their own stories) but again negative stories outweigh positive as positive stories are written about less.
2) Believe you can! There are very few people who cannot adopt. You don't need to be from an affluent background, you don't need to be a home owner, you don't need savings and a huge support network. Health issues and disability may not be an issue and sexuality is not an issue. Don't think you can't, think you can!
3) You need to be realistic- you will be very unlikely to get a baby. You will not be getting an 'undamaged' child. They will not forget their early life experiences- it is deep rooted- yes even tiny babies. The brain is most vulnerable as a baby and this is when loss, neglect, lack of attachment will have a long lasting affect. You will be getting a child who has issues, maybe not straight away but they will surface somehow and you may need intervention later in their life. The only way you are likely to get a baby is to go for the foster to adopt route. If you do this, there is a slight possibility you may have to give the child back, there are no guarantees, however sure social services may be about a future adoption order. If you can cope with this, go for it- if you cannot cope with it, go for a standard adoption. Be realistic about the age of the child you may be looking to adopt- how old would you consider?
4) Tell people early. Not everyone of course, but parents and family and really close friends will need to know you are entering the process as you will need emotional support. It may be a shock for them (it was for ours) and they may need time to process what you are thinking of doing as it will impact on their lives too. Don't announce to the world as it isn't their business but telling those closest will mean you are not going through it all alone.
5) Seek a community- I highly recommend twitter over facebook (far more negative) and Instagram. Twitter felt like finding a family, I wish I had joined the adoption community sooner and not waited until I became a social media champion. Find someone well known (like authors of adoption books) and look at their followers- heck, look though mine, I have only added adopters, adoptees and social workers because my twitter is only about adoption.
When you start the process:
1) Listen to your social worker. They are on your side. Once you have been approved to start stage one THEY WANT YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL Cynically, either you will need to make a quota and need to place their children (L.A.s) or you will ensure money comes in and their success rate continues (V.A.s). That is of course very cynical! Ultimately, they care and they want to help YOU find a CHILD that NEEDS a home. You want to give a child a home, and they want that to happen too- they are on your side. The process is not there to trip anyone up or ask difficult questions to hurt you or annoy you. I can't tell you not to panic about panel, of course you will- it will be sweaty palms and panic all the way but it is not there to trick you, be honest and remember the children come first.
2) Don't believe the 'memes'. 'All they need is love' for example. This is the worst thing to believe. Of course they NEED love. But the also need so much more, understanding, time, patience, someone to look out for them, someone to put routine in, someone to be the metaphorical punch bag for their rages, someone to understand their traumas and someone to live with it and still show a steadfast approach to them. Love is not enough. So many non-adopters will say things like 'oh, well you will love them and give them a good home, they will be fine'. Sometimes you might want to correct people, sometimes you will just grin and bear it.
3) Be prepared to talk about your past, your childhood, you ex partners, your relationship, your parents parenting styles, your work, your jobs and be prepared to write it all down. Don't see it as an intrusion, see it as a way to match you to a child you can live with and grow with. Don't lie, don't wash over things, be honest, This process is about you realising who you are and what you can cope with on your own or as a couple- this level of detail is needed, don't see it as negative, see it as positive.
4) Read as much as you can! Look up suggested reading lists, do online training, ask for recommendations. Read blogs, watch youtube clips and documentaries, ask others you know who have adopted about the process and what to read. The more you can show your interest and commitment the better and the more you find out the better. Read up about attachment theory/ attachment disorder and therapeutic parenting.
4a) Get child care experience. This is essential to show your dedication. We went to Beavers. See if you can help out at clubs, church groups, schools.
5) Enjoy prep group meetings- you will meet other prospective adopters and if you want to, stay in touch- perhaps the start of your own community. Ask questions, all the questions, nothing is a silly question! Now is the time to talk to professionals who are not your social worker and learn from them.
6) Sorry- I need a number 6 here! Get your room/s ready! Paint and paper and kit out a room for a generic child, put some books in, toys in ,bedding and make it look as nice as you can as a blank canvas. this will impress a child's social worker at a later date and if you are going to do foster to adopt this is essential as you will only have a few days notice!
When you get to matching:
Congratulations- you are now at the hard part! Buckle up, it is going to get bumpy!
1) Your social worker is going to be your biggest asset here- that and the admin/ family finders. You will be given profiles to look at but may well be family finding for yourself. There is a site called Link Maker- I jokingly call it match.com but for kids! It totally is- you will write your own profile and you will be searching for children on there who you feel would match your family situation. You are in charge here. You will esquire about children, your social worker will chase it- it is out of your hands after this. Keep in contact, the more bothered you are and the more you ask questions the more likely you are to succeed.
2) You will likely be linked to children and that link never follows through- you may have read their reports (information beyond their profiles) and you may even have had a social worker visit (the child's social worker) and you may still not be the chosen one/s. There may be several disappointments on your journey/ This, hands down, is the HARDEST part of the adoption process. Stay strong, lean on your support network, dust yourself off and start again. You do not have time to be bitter. Also, read my blog post about using Link Maker and how to be more successful.
3) Don't be desperate. Don't go for the first child 'offered' to you. Social workers can send you profiles through the site. These are often the very hard to place children, though I am sure, not always. You must be honest with yourself about what you can cope with for the rest of your life. It will mean you wait longer but you have to do this. Yes they all need a home and yes they all deserve a family BUT you must, must, must be honest and listen to you head not your heart and listen to your social worker who will know more than you what type of child will fit you and your situation.
4) Once you are matched- it usually takes 8-10 weeks to get to the introduction stage. Do not feel trapped- if things seem very wrong, talk to your social worker immediately. Things may take longer, this is frustrating but there is nothing you can do Instead, cherish the time you are 'free' of children, plan nice things to do and nice places to go.
5) Child appreciation day- make a list of questions for the family workers, the foster carers, the health visitors- this is your one chance to find out as much as possible about your child. It is a full on day but so essential. Again, no question is a silly question. make notes on the day.
Introduction and placement:
1) You will have likely made a books and/ or dvd that your child will have seen lots. They are aware of you. There is no way you won't be nervous and excited and be full of fear that they will reject you. Thy want a new family (if they are able to understand and are old enough to try to comprehend it all). Be guided by the foster carers. They have a great insight to your child, treat them as your friend, not your enemy. They have given up children before and even if it hurts they are wanting to do it again as they know the child will be making their final move.There would be something wrong if they weren't a bit day to give them to you! Go with the fear and ride it out on that first day! My advice is to bring a toy they can associate with meeting you.
2) Don't let the foster carers talk you into seeing the child longer than agreed/ don't be tempted to push for it- you will likely feel like you want to. It is essential the contact is built up slowly. You need down time, you will be exhausted. You need to look after your own mental health as much as possible.
3) Have no expectations- visits to places might not go well, they might, be adaptable. You may also experience fear and loss setting in if they are scared to leave their foster carers. There may be tears and screams on parting, there may not- keep your eye on the goal and the future for your child.
4) Honeymoon period-I cannot say what you will experience when they come home but what I can assure you is that this will not be the child you will end up with behaviour-wise. Think from their point of view, they don'y know you and they may be hyper-vigilant and scared to displease you. You may experience a lovey time of compliance and happiness- this is not your child's true self. They may be angry, sad, volatile - this is also not your child. You will get to know them and they you- there will be ups and downs. Stick to routine from day one.
5) You cannot be perfect. You will get angry, sad, scared, you will do things 'wrong', you will forget to be therapeutic, you will forget where their behaviour is coming from. Accept that you will make mistakes, all parents do, adoptive or not. You are not perfect and neither is your child- accept this and learn together. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Living with your child:
Oh boy! There is no way I can cover everything!
1) Unsolicited parental advice- this will drive you insane! People will feel the need to give advice because you are 'new' to parenting- I am sure this happens to birth parents in abundance too! It is singularly one of the most annoying things. You will get told the obvious, the wrong (as in they have no idea how to deal with an adopted child with trauma but think their catch all advice will work anyway). You have two choices here- a) bite back and tell people to back off (I save this for strangers!) and b) grin and bear it!
2) When/ if your child's behaviour changes and they start to fight back/ resist authority/ challenge you- WELL DONE! Seriously, it doesn't feel good but WELL DONE! You child is feeling settled enough to let it out- even if they can't express it. You will likely see a change at some point. Ride out tantrums and screaming fits- don't be afraid to let them happen safely in public- sod the onlookers and tutters (usually old people!). Ignore it all and let it come out. You are not a bad parent because it is happening- you are a parent they now trust- at least partly!
3) Set routines that work and be free to change these. try and trial and change if they fail. There are often issues with eating, time frames- a hourly chart can be a good idea- work out what will fit for you and your child.
4) Be firm with family and friends if you need to- they should not be visiting too often , they should not be wanting overnighters too soon. They will be excited about their new grandchild/ family member but it is YOUR CALL not theirs. Adopted children need to feel safe and too much time away from them too early will be damaging.
5) Take time to enjoy the small things, the little achievements and above all, if you are in a partnership discuss everything but always support each other at the time- talk about it later if there is an issue, a solid front is so essential.
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