Is it ever really just a cuddle or an 'I love you'?
I have been thinking about this for a while and littlun's actions last night have prompted me to put pen to paper so to speak. He came to me in the middle of the night for no apparent reason other than to cuddle, a really tight cuddle.
When you adopt a child, you long to hear them call you mummy or daddy and say 'I love you'. For the most part, they do. We had 'mummy/daddy' from the moment they met us (age 2 and 3). We re not sure they had much of a concept of what a daddy was and we were the homogeneous 'mummydaddy' for a couple of weeks.
Next comes 'I love you'. We said it often and still do, we said it until we felt it and continue to this day, several times a day along with the 'you are safe' mantra that they need to hear. As adoptive parents, it will take a while for the love to grow. none of you know each other, no one loves each other from day one- in love with the idea of loving them, in love with the actuality of having each other, in love with the infatuation you have but not real love, that comes later. For some it is quicker than others but it is a growing thing. Anyone who says they loved their adoptive child from day one cannot really be telling the truth, not through disillusion but through a want for that love to be there from day one. But, we do love our children, fiercely, as much as any other parent.
So when does (a speaking child) say they love you? Do they really love you? What do we worry is behind those words?
I think a lot of 'I love you' comes from parroting a phrase that they are comforted by. We asked our youngest what it meant (I think he was 3 at the time) and he blew kisses at us. there was some understanding of love.
Our eldest often says he loves us, but it really feels like he is trying to please us and sometimes says it when he cannot explain himself (he has speech issues). that is not love but panic. This makes us sad and we try to encourage him to explain what he wants in another way.
Both of our children will say they love us, without us saying it first, accompanied with their initiated cuddles, it is then that we feel they really are expressing love.
The ugly head of attachment rears up with cuddle time. When are those cuddles just a loving cuddle and when are they the trauma caused by separating and loss in their lives from being removed from their birth parents and foster parents? That cuddle says that they need your attention, they are scared you won't give the attention and they are not secure, they are looking to please you and they are looking to show you what they think you t... want and also that cuddle may mean they love you.
It truly is a stab to the heart to know that each cuddle and each ' I love you' may mean all of these things or a combination of some of them- and more. The stab isn't because I don't think they love me, it is that I know my child has to endure all of these feelings and is unable to give name to them at the same time.
One of my children, the youngest is very insecure, still, over 3 years on- he touches us all time time, has to sit with or dominate us by sitting on us, he often reaches to kiss us and touch us and is always calling us beautiful and lovely (we get a good amount of hate you and go away too!). He needs to reassure himself that we are always there for him and will drop what we are doing for him.
My eldest is very insular at times but will randomly shout out that he loves us or goes OTT with kisses and hugs. This supposed boundless joy and being with us is as worrying as the little one's behaviour- both show attachment issues and struggling to bond securely with no questions asked.
Both need us and show us love in different ways but we and they will never have the luxury of knowing the 'I love you' and the cuddle is just that - a pure, non fear, non attachment issue given hug or declaration of love- maybe there will be such demonstrations of love but we will never know as attachment and adoption issues are so complex.
We will continue to genuinely love them and mean all we say and do but we also have to continue to understand that we can only second guess our children's feelings and try to help them to understand as they grow.
Nothing is easy with adoption, not for anyone involved and I can only hope that my own era of adopters are more informed about trauma and that we know our children need continued help, love and support so that they can say 'I love you' and cuddle and continue to do so on their own terms.
Little ones, know that we do love you, we gre to love you and for us it is unconditional.
When you adopt a child, you long to hear them call you mummy or daddy and say 'I love you'. For the most part, they do. We had 'mummy/daddy' from the moment they met us (age 2 and 3). We re not sure they had much of a concept of what a daddy was and we were the homogeneous 'mummydaddy' for a couple of weeks.
Next comes 'I love you'. We said it often and still do, we said it until we felt it and continue to this day, several times a day along with the 'you are safe' mantra that they need to hear. As adoptive parents, it will take a while for the love to grow. none of you know each other, no one loves each other from day one- in love with the idea of loving them, in love with the actuality of having each other, in love with the infatuation you have but not real love, that comes later. For some it is quicker than others but it is a growing thing. Anyone who says they loved their adoptive child from day one cannot really be telling the truth, not through disillusion but through a want for that love to be there from day one. But, we do love our children, fiercely, as much as any other parent.
So when does (a speaking child) say they love you? Do they really love you? What do we worry is behind those words?
I think a lot of 'I love you' comes from parroting a phrase that they are comforted by. We asked our youngest what it meant (I think he was 3 at the time) and he blew kisses at us. there was some understanding of love.
Our eldest often says he loves us, but it really feels like he is trying to please us and sometimes says it when he cannot explain himself (he has speech issues). that is not love but panic. This makes us sad and we try to encourage him to explain what he wants in another way.
Both of our children will say they love us, without us saying it first, accompanied with their initiated cuddles, it is then that we feel they really are expressing love.
The ugly head of attachment rears up with cuddle time. When are those cuddles just a loving cuddle and when are they the trauma caused by separating and loss in their lives from being removed from their birth parents and foster parents? That cuddle says that they need your attention, they are scared you won't give the attention and they are not secure, they are looking to please you and they are looking to show you what they think you t... want and also that cuddle may mean they love you.
It truly is a stab to the heart to know that each cuddle and each ' I love you' may mean all of these things or a combination of some of them- and more. The stab isn't because I don't think they love me, it is that I know my child has to endure all of these feelings and is unable to give name to them at the same time.
One of my children, the youngest is very insecure, still, over 3 years on- he touches us all time time, has to sit with or dominate us by sitting on us, he often reaches to kiss us and touch us and is always calling us beautiful and lovely (we get a good amount of hate you and go away too!). He needs to reassure himself that we are always there for him and will drop what we are doing for him.
My eldest is very insular at times but will randomly shout out that he loves us or goes OTT with kisses and hugs. This supposed boundless joy and being with us is as worrying as the little one's behaviour- both show attachment issues and struggling to bond securely with no questions asked.
Both need us and show us love in different ways but we and they will never have the luxury of knowing the 'I love you' and the cuddle is just that - a pure, non fear, non attachment issue given hug or declaration of love- maybe there will be such demonstrations of love but we will never know as attachment and adoption issues are so complex.
We will continue to genuinely love them and mean all we say and do but we also have to continue to understand that we can only second guess our children's feelings and try to help them to understand as they grow.
Nothing is easy with adoption, not for anyone involved and I can only hope that my own era of adopters are more informed about trauma and that we know our children need continued help, love and support so that they can say 'I love you' and cuddle and continue to do so on their own terms.
Little ones, know that we do love you, we gre to love you and for us it is unconditional.
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