On hideous holds ups and part time workers
Okay- not hideous, but I wanted an alliterative title!
Hold ups all the same though!
I am told, that on average, from initial match to matching panel takes 8-10 weeks- oh if only! Matched in May- still not through the process in August...
Nothing happened in June, nothing at all- I don't know why but nothing did. It was very frustrating knowing we were going forward but no meetings planned and nothing seemed to be moving forward. We had been warned that the family worker who works in preparing children for placement was only part time and had a large caseload. No one was explaining why this meant the matching meeting and child appreciation day were both set for July and not June- to us it seemed like a whole month wasted, leaving us in limbo, not quite believing it was true. We received a DVD and some extra photos at this point- a DVD we were not allowed to keep which again was frustrating.
I thought I might cry or even both of us might cry when we saw them on the DVD...we didn't, we sat in silence watching it, like we were trying to take everything in, every little detail, bearing in mind we were not allowed to take the DVD away. At this point I feel I need to give them anonymous names in order to mention them without giving their identity, So I shall call the 2 year old Holmes and the 3 year old, Watson- the names have a ring to them, don't you think?! ;)
All I will say about their back story is that it involved neglect- as almost all (more like all but there will be the rare exception given up at birth- very rare) adoptive children have experienced but does not involve any of the darker elements some children are subjected to with regards to abuse- as far as anyone knows. Never live down the impact of neglect and its various forms- it is long lasting and will always be there and it damages children often beyond full repair- it is not to be taken lightly and they don't just need a secure home and people that love them- they need a whole lot more than that- to succeed you also need to be trained to help deal with issues as they arise. I guess a good analogy is we can put a Mr Bump sticky plaster on to help heal the wounds but there will always be a little scar, however faint. Adopted children have so much to give but parenting must be a little different to help them heal as well as do everything a parent does. Is it harder? Who knows, I have never been a parent and every child is different bringing their own challenges through life, all I know is that we can't take away the damage caused by neglect, but we can help them deal with feelings they can't express and the immense sense of loss they will grow up with- I hope we are up to the job- all we can do is prepare ourselves, read lots, focus on therapeutic parenting techniques and struggle together for them- and for us as our lives turn upside down.
So, the DVD... Holmes seemed a serious little boy, lively but serious. He was building bricks quietly with his foster carer and looking fairly competent with it. He didn't speak but at the time of the DVD he was 20 months so not that unusual. Watson was less co-ordinated than his younger brother but very enthusiastic- he is clumsy butt very keen to join in and he was obviously wanting attention. He helped build a very tall tower and wanted to see it knocked down. When it was tall enough to knock over he could barely contain himself and when pushed over his little scream and giggle of excitement was just so cute and really did pull at the heart strings, he was just so happy with this simple little act.
We watched it again and this time talked through their facial reactions and actions and involvement- trying, I suppose, to assess their little personalities. This DVD was just what we needed to learn a little more about them, only problem was at this point the DVD was 7 months out of date- little children grow and change fast and they were bound to be different now!
June did give us a couple of dates for the diary, in July our social worker would be in a meeting called 'matching matrix meeting'. This involved us and her filling out paperwork about how we could meet the children's needs and a few days after we were to go to a 'Child Appreciation Day' where we would get to meet all workers involved in the children's lives and previous social workers for other children in the family and workers for the mother- this is a day to share lots of information and ask lots of questions.
We were really looking forward to this day- it would make it more real, give us a background with as much detail as possible and allow us to talk to their current carers. We both booked the day off work and everything was focused on this day...
...it didn't happen :(
Of course it didn't! Since when did the Burnetts get an easy ride?
(since this will turn into an epic post, I am splitting it up...see you in the next post!)
Hold ups all the same though!
I am told, that on average, from initial match to matching panel takes 8-10 weeks- oh if only! Matched in May- still not through the process in August...
Nothing happened in June, nothing at all- I don't know why but nothing did. It was very frustrating knowing we were going forward but no meetings planned and nothing seemed to be moving forward. We had been warned that the family worker who works in preparing children for placement was only part time and had a large caseload. No one was explaining why this meant the matching meeting and child appreciation day were both set for July and not June- to us it seemed like a whole month wasted, leaving us in limbo, not quite believing it was true. We received a DVD and some extra photos at this point- a DVD we were not allowed to keep which again was frustrating.
I thought I might cry or even both of us might cry when we saw them on the DVD...we didn't, we sat in silence watching it, like we were trying to take everything in, every little detail, bearing in mind we were not allowed to take the DVD away. At this point I feel I need to give them anonymous names in order to mention them without giving their identity, So I shall call the 2 year old Holmes and the 3 year old, Watson- the names have a ring to them, don't you think?! ;)
All I will say about their back story is that it involved neglect- as almost all (more like all but there will be the rare exception given up at birth- very rare) adoptive children have experienced but does not involve any of the darker elements some children are subjected to with regards to abuse- as far as anyone knows. Never live down the impact of neglect and its various forms- it is long lasting and will always be there and it damages children often beyond full repair- it is not to be taken lightly and they don't just need a secure home and people that love them- they need a whole lot more than that- to succeed you also need to be trained to help deal with issues as they arise. I guess a good analogy is we can put a Mr Bump sticky plaster on to help heal the wounds but there will always be a little scar, however faint. Adopted children have so much to give but parenting must be a little different to help them heal as well as do everything a parent does. Is it harder? Who knows, I have never been a parent and every child is different bringing their own challenges through life, all I know is that we can't take away the damage caused by neglect, but we can help them deal with feelings they can't express and the immense sense of loss they will grow up with- I hope we are up to the job- all we can do is prepare ourselves, read lots, focus on therapeutic parenting techniques and struggle together for them- and for us as our lives turn upside down.
So, the DVD... Holmes seemed a serious little boy, lively but serious. He was building bricks quietly with his foster carer and looking fairly competent with it. He didn't speak but at the time of the DVD he was 20 months so not that unusual. Watson was less co-ordinated than his younger brother but very enthusiastic- he is clumsy butt very keen to join in and he was obviously wanting attention. He helped build a very tall tower and wanted to see it knocked down. When it was tall enough to knock over he could barely contain himself and when pushed over his little scream and giggle of excitement was just so cute and really did pull at the heart strings, he was just so happy with this simple little act.
We watched it again and this time talked through their facial reactions and actions and involvement- trying, I suppose, to assess their little personalities. This DVD was just what we needed to learn a little more about them, only problem was at this point the DVD was 7 months out of date- little children grow and change fast and they were bound to be different now!
June did give us a couple of dates for the diary, in July our social worker would be in a meeting called 'matching matrix meeting'. This involved us and her filling out paperwork about how we could meet the children's needs and a few days after we were to go to a 'Child Appreciation Day' where we would get to meet all workers involved in the children's lives and previous social workers for other children in the family and workers for the mother- this is a day to share lots of information and ask lots of questions.
We were really looking forward to this day- it would make it more real, give us a background with as much detail as possible and allow us to talk to their current carers. We both booked the day off work and everything was focused on this day...
...it didn't happen :(
Of course it didn't! Since when did the Burnetts get an easy ride?
(since this will turn into an epic post, I am splitting it up...see you in the next post!)
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