The sum of all my fears...
I mentioned many, many posts back how being childless haunted me almost nightly to the point of often not getting to sleep without reprimanding my useless body and blaming myself. Now that hour has been replaced by several other fears.
My biggest fear:
That suddenly the birth parent will launch an appeal and that despite all evidence against them as a parent, the courts decide to grant the appeal- and this happens during matching on the way to panel or after placement. It can happen- they can be taken away/ the adoption can stop or be delayed. A family member can come out of the woodwork, an absent father, an aunt, anyone related...they can suddenly ask to take on the child/ children and this can mean a huge hold up in proceedings whilst they are assessed and it can mean that they are removed from your care if the courts find them worthy. This is a pain I live in fear of happening. It isn't the norm within the adoption process but it can happen. The children are never yours and safe with you until the adoption order goes through. this could be a year after placement- could be...
You are allowed to apply for the adoption 10 weeks after placement, with the agreement of social workers. It is a huge fear of mine and I can't imagine the pain of this whole process, even placement and then months later children going to an absent family member who suddenly appeared. It is rare that this happens and even more rare that they go though an assessment positively- especially both parents -as they already have a caseload of information against them being able to parent. I am told that most birth parents contest the adoption and have a case put together- after all it is their last way of saying officially they don't agree with it and they 'love' their children- love, as we know, is not enough. Most of the time the appeal will not go anywhere.
Now, from here, these are in no particular order:
1) The little things- taking to the toilet, bathing, teeth cleaning- all the things that I have never done because you don't tend to do them with other people's children- even nappy changing...though Karl has done that. All things that are quick to learn but hold a little bit of fear for me. They will be strangers to me and I to them- will they let me do these things?
2) Am I too old? This is a re-occurring fear that I have a lot of the time. We are too old to have grandparents (our parents) look after them so no respite -ever. I am not as sprightly as I used to be, we all know once you hit 40 you never know a day of waking without some pain twinge somewhere, so will I be able to keep up? When they are in their 20s I will be in my 60s...with all best wishes for long life, they are likely to be parent-less but their late 30s or early 40s if we live into our 80s. I know, logically, I am not too old. I am in relatively good health, both of us are and we have time to give them a full transition into adulthood and beyond. And a plethora of professionals have called us young for adopters! But I can't help but worry. One person I know has already been judgmental about our ages and us being too old for young children- how will society view us? Do I care? Not really, in the light of day I know we have been judged excellent parent material, not too old and the amount of interest we have had from social workers is testament to this. However, the cold hours of night always let niggles seep in!
3) Just landing in your home- I mean, pretty much literally! From no children to two! Quite literally jumping in the deep end with two screaming, demanding, running and talking children where we haven't had time to grow and learn together, completely unbonded! No gradual learning to crawl, to talk, to discover but BAM! right there and never going home! It is really, really bloody scary! Ask me if I want it and my answer is 'Yes!' without thought but do I know what it is like? No, no idea at all and this scares me! I have read a lot about toddlers, tantrums, difficult behaviour, therapeutic play but none of it really helps! Two live toddlers...I think you have to be somewhat mad, don't you?
4) I've got a nice life. I have. More financially stable than ever before, able to spend on ourselves when we want to, able to do the house up in little bits, able to see our lovely friends. Life is good. Lots of interests and more hobbies that two people should really have, lots of creative output, performing, trading, making stuff...all good. This is all going to end in one day. Not forever but that day everything that defines us stops. We turn into whirlwinds trying to make it work and playacting until it is real. Again, my logical brain tells me that they were looking for people who had nice lives because if all we did was pine for a baby it is likely we would be people with hugely unreal expectations for children and parenthood. No way was/ is our life bad- but it misses something, to us it does. Knowing my life will change so suddenly from never having a lie in to never being able to go on long shopping trips with Karl is daunting- then again we have to remember what joys we hope to get from having children. And we want this change but it doesn't stop it being scary!
5) Behaviour. What if I can't control them in public? What if they run away? After all, they don't know us, why would they do what we say and look to us for comfort? We are strangers to them! I have already been looking at little backpacks with leads attached but what if they won't keep them on? How are we going to deal with the screaming in public and disapproving looks from the tutting individuals who know nothing of our lives? Well, I guess we are both good actors we front it out and cry later! What if they won't bath, won't eat, won't sleep? You can't ignore kids like this- that does not work for adopted kids...I have read lots and have lots of ideas and only time will tell I guess!
6) Coping on my own. When Karl goes back to work as he will only have a few weeks with me, what if I can't cope? I have the task of looking after our little strangers first and it does break my heart that I only get 3 months before Karl takes over (thank heavens for new split leave laws for all parental leave, this means we can put poverty at bay for a little longer!). What if I can't get them in and out the car on my own? (we already know one of them hates going in the car seat)? What if I can't tame the tantrums? What if they don't like me?
7) Going back to work. Will they hate me for it? Will they think I am abandoning them? Will they think I have gone off them? How will I cope when every part of me may well want to be at home but I have no choice but to go back to an extremely demanding job? There are some lovely mums in my work who I know will help me with this transition and one of them has gone back full time (most don't). I wish I didn't have to...
8) Toilet training! I know, right? Something that just happens- but then I don't know how! One is toilet trained and one isn't (basically they didn't bother when they found out parents had been found). this is a little fear really as I have information on it and plenty of mummies I know who can help :) How do you get boys to eventually pee standing up?
9) The dogs. How on earth will the dogs react to all this? Gus like to sleep most of the time, and eat, he likes eating- a lot! I am pretty sure he will sleep through any toddler noise as noise and loudness has never bothered him (we took him to medieval reenactment and the cannons never disturbed him!). I do wonder if he will be grumpy with us because of the change...How will he take to being grabbed for and hit instead of patted softly until we can teach them to be nice and soft with doggies I think he will be okay with it as Gus is very easy going. Spike is scared of loud noises until he knows what they are but we have seen him with a friends little girl and he just sat and watched her and didn't bother her at all. Spike will also hide if he wants to get away so I know he can do this- I know his hiding places :) But what a huge change to their lives. The cats I am not worried about, they love being outside and they don't have problems with people.
All these fears consume me at night...I can't help it. I just can't make my imagination 'see' them here, interacting, everyday life going on. I can see them in snippets, like likes flashes of the future. Life and this house is so 'us' and the pets and we have waited so long- given I was 28 when we first tried for children and we are both coming up to 42- 14 years where we tried, buried and suppressed having a family and let it tentatively resurface again- It is a long time...It is so hard to imagine it actually happening and yet soon it will be (fingers crossed!).
My biggest fear:
That suddenly the birth parent will launch an appeal and that despite all evidence against them as a parent, the courts decide to grant the appeal- and this happens during matching on the way to panel or after placement. It can happen- they can be taken away/ the adoption can stop or be delayed. A family member can come out of the woodwork, an absent father, an aunt, anyone related...they can suddenly ask to take on the child/ children and this can mean a huge hold up in proceedings whilst they are assessed and it can mean that they are removed from your care if the courts find them worthy. This is a pain I live in fear of happening. It isn't the norm within the adoption process but it can happen. The children are never yours and safe with you until the adoption order goes through. this could be a year after placement- could be...
You are allowed to apply for the adoption 10 weeks after placement, with the agreement of social workers. It is a huge fear of mine and I can't imagine the pain of this whole process, even placement and then months later children going to an absent family member who suddenly appeared. It is rare that this happens and even more rare that they go though an assessment positively- especially both parents -as they already have a caseload of information against them being able to parent. I am told that most birth parents contest the adoption and have a case put together- after all it is their last way of saying officially they don't agree with it and they 'love' their children- love, as we know, is not enough. Most of the time the appeal will not go anywhere.
Now, from here, these are in no particular order:
1) The little things- taking to the toilet, bathing, teeth cleaning- all the things that I have never done because you don't tend to do them with other people's children- even nappy changing...though Karl has done that. All things that are quick to learn but hold a little bit of fear for me. They will be strangers to me and I to them- will they let me do these things?
2) Am I too old? This is a re-occurring fear that I have a lot of the time. We are too old to have grandparents (our parents) look after them so no respite -ever. I am not as sprightly as I used to be, we all know once you hit 40 you never know a day of waking without some pain twinge somewhere, so will I be able to keep up? When they are in their 20s I will be in my 60s...with all best wishes for long life, they are likely to be parent-less but their late 30s or early 40s if we live into our 80s. I know, logically, I am not too old. I am in relatively good health, both of us are and we have time to give them a full transition into adulthood and beyond. And a plethora of professionals have called us young for adopters! But I can't help but worry. One person I know has already been judgmental about our ages and us being too old for young children- how will society view us? Do I care? Not really, in the light of day I know we have been judged excellent parent material, not too old and the amount of interest we have had from social workers is testament to this. However, the cold hours of night always let niggles seep in!
3) Just landing in your home- I mean, pretty much literally! From no children to two! Quite literally jumping in the deep end with two screaming, demanding, running and talking children where we haven't had time to grow and learn together, completely unbonded! No gradual learning to crawl, to talk, to discover but BAM! right there and never going home! It is really, really bloody scary! Ask me if I want it and my answer is 'Yes!' without thought but do I know what it is like? No, no idea at all and this scares me! I have read a lot about toddlers, tantrums, difficult behaviour, therapeutic play but none of it really helps! Two live toddlers...I think you have to be somewhat mad, don't you?
4) I've got a nice life. I have. More financially stable than ever before, able to spend on ourselves when we want to, able to do the house up in little bits, able to see our lovely friends. Life is good. Lots of interests and more hobbies that two people should really have, lots of creative output, performing, trading, making stuff...all good. This is all going to end in one day. Not forever but that day everything that defines us stops. We turn into whirlwinds trying to make it work and playacting until it is real. Again, my logical brain tells me that they were looking for people who had nice lives because if all we did was pine for a baby it is likely we would be people with hugely unreal expectations for children and parenthood. No way was/ is our life bad- but it misses something, to us it does. Knowing my life will change so suddenly from never having a lie in to never being able to go on long shopping trips with Karl is daunting- then again we have to remember what joys we hope to get from having children. And we want this change but it doesn't stop it being scary!
5) Behaviour. What if I can't control them in public? What if they run away? After all, they don't know us, why would they do what we say and look to us for comfort? We are strangers to them! I have already been looking at little backpacks with leads attached but what if they won't keep them on? How are we going to deal with the screaming in public and disapproving looks from the tutting individuals who know nothing of our lives? Well, I guess we are both good actors we front it out and cry later! What if they won't bath, won't eat, won't sleep? You can't ignore kids like this- that does not work for adopted kids...I have read lots and have lots of ideas and only time will tell I guess!
6) Coping on my own. When Karl goes back to work as he will only have a few weeks with me, what if I can't cope? I have the task of looking after our little strangers first and it does break my heart that I only get 3 months before Karl takes over (thank heavens for new split leave laws for all parental leave, this means we can put poverty at bay for a little longer!). What if I can't get them in and out the car on my own? (we already know one of them hates going in the car seat)? What if I can't tame the tantrums? What if they don't like me?
7) Going back to work. Will they hate me for it? Will they think I am abandoning them? Will they think I have gone off them? How will I cope when every part of me may well want to be at home but I have no choice but to go back to an extremely demanding job? There are some lovely mums in my work who I know will help me with this transition and one of them has gone back full time (most don't). I wish I didn't have to...
8) Toilet training! I know, right? Something that just happens- but then I don't know how! One is toilet trained and one isn't (basically they didn't bother when they found out parents had been found). this is a little fear really as I have information on it and plenty of mummies I know who can help :) How do you get boys to eventually pee standing up?
9) The dogs. How on earth will the dogs react to all this? Gus like to sleep most of the time, and eat, he likes eating- a lot! I am pretty sure he will sleep through any toddler noise as noise and loudness has never bothered him (we took him to medieval reenactment and the cannons never disturbed him!). I do wonder if he will be grumpy with us because of the change...How will he take to being grabbed for and hit instead of patted softly until we can teach them to be nice and soft with doggies I think he will be okay with it as Gus is very easy going. Spike is scared of loud noises until he knows what they are but we have seen him with a friends little girl and he just sat and watched her and didn't bother her at all. Spike will also hide if he wants to get away so I know he can do this- I know his hiding places :) But what a huge change to their lives. The cats I am not worried about, they love being outside and they don't have problems with people.
All these fears consume me at night...I can't help it. I just can't make my imagination 'see' them here, interacting, everyday life going on. I can see them in snippets, like likes flashes of the future. Life and this house is so 'us' and the pets and we have waited so long- given I was 28 when we first tried for children and we are both coming up to 42- 14 years where we tried, buried and suppressed having a family and let it tentatively resurface again- It is a long time...It is so hard to imagine it actually happening and yet soon it will be (fingers crossed!).
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