Watching in Wonder
The BUMP meeting: despite the foster carers not being sure of what this day was and it being the first time the particular local authority had agreed such a thing- the day did actually go ahead. I was convinced the day wouldn't happen. We weren't allowed the phone number of the foster carers- I sort of understand this but at the same time it made any last moment changes and notifications impossible- we could turn up and the foster carers not turn up for one reason and another. We had the number of their family worker as a go between (though as it turned out he was off ill and never acknowledged our test as he wasn't in work).
My excitement about this day was somewhat marred by the fear that we would not actually get to see them and we would spend a lonely hour bumbling about a playground waiting for them to never show! By the time we got there I felt very sick with nerves. We were there about 40 minutes early and the weather remained ominous- inside I was desperately hoping for no rain as rain was one thing the foster carer has worried about and this might make them not arrive as planned. we sussed out the designated area and thought about where to sit and wait- we looked around for a wet weather contingency plan (it was a garden centre with a play area that was separate) and I sent a text to their family worker to say we had arrived and where we would be. Karl tried to distract me and himself no doubt by looking at things in the garden centre but all I wanted to do was go to the meeting place and wait in case they were also early. I couldn't concentrate and holding a conversation was intensely difficult as all I could think about was what it would be like and if they would arrive or not!
We got a cup of tea and sat at a picnic bench next to the play area. This, I can tell you, is very, very odd. Two adults have no place sitting in a play area without a child. It is very strange. We felt very out of place and I had an urge to tell staff why we were there and not to worry about us hanging around a play area furtively with a cup of tea! I wanted to shout, 'We are fine, we have CRB checks, honest, we aren't staring at kids, well only two, but we have arranged to do that, it is fine! Ermm...'! It is an absurd situation to be in and certainly more than once an attendant glanced in our direction- an hour is a long time to sit in such a place with no apparent reason to be there! Karl tried to engage me in conversation but I have a feeling I spent more time staring at the entrance looking for them to arrive.
To both our surprise and relief, they did, almost spot on time. I saw the foster carers first and a hint of hair of one of the boys but bushes obscured our view until they got to the play area. My heart was in my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe- time stood still and was moving too quickly at the same time. I had seen the mop of Watson's hair first but no more and Holmes was unseen, being pushed towards the play area in a buggy and all I could see was a buggy...then almost all of a sudden, Holmes had been released and he was off, a toddler running to the climbing frame followed by a slightly bigger child...instantly I cried. It was an unmistakable good kick in the stomach, like being winded by a hockey stick to the throat (a real event in my life, much less pleasurable than this moment!), like a huge and uncontrollable spasm inside threatening to erupt. I let out some words as real, big tears sprang forth. Karl was also visibly shaken with emotion- he took my hand and I think me crying made him well up too. It was the most surreal thing- seeing them moving for real, making noise, talking...being real little human beings, not just photos and a dvd but physically there in front of us...This feeling was so powerful, can I say I love them before I meet them properly? Logically, no, I can't but emotionally that is the only thing I can describe it as- the only feeling that comes near enough to relate to someone else to try to make them understand- a huge emotional rush of love at first sight. Karl said (not sure when exactly) that he just wanted to pick them up and take them home- and that made me feel just as emotional and proud to have him by my side and know that he felt the same as I did.
I guess it is all the hurt, heartache,waiting and longing coming together in one moment, seeing OUR SONS playing and being little boys. We watched them playing and then on a bouncy castle- Watson's giggle is infectious, such absolute joy! They sat down very near to us on the next picnic bench and ate and drank nicely, put rubbish in the bin and generally were impeccable. Holmes got overly excited with baby claps and pointing when he saw a lorry, a bin truck, a tractor, a car...he is clearly fascinated with motor vehicles! They were promised and ice cream but the cafe didn't have them- they accepted the crisps as an alternative without any fuss- though amusingly, Watson walked up to the ice cream sign more than once to point out the ice cream- just to remind them that they were available! Very cute and clearly, like we had been told, obsessed with food!
What we observed was two adorable little boys who love to be active and play, who did as they were asked and didn't run off wild, who sat an ate nicely and who were happy to chat away. Holmes' language seemed appropriate for a two year old and Watson's a little less clear than Holmes. We know he is behind with his language and it was very useful to hear the extent of his language compared to Holmes. In a lot of way they are of a similar age as Watson has been delayed more due to his background history.
For just under an hour we watched them. On two occasions Holmes clocked us watching and looked right at us- we are wondering if he will remember us when we finally meet properly. He is most certainly more aware and savvy than his older brother- we 'nicknamed' them correctly!
We went home all smiles, my mum cried when she saw us and we began explaining the meeting, which set me off again! We had spent the whole journey talking about them and what we had seen and I think both of us were unable to really express how emotional the day was. I was sick with hunger by the time we got back and I think we were both relieved that the day had actually happened.
I still can't quite find the right words to describe that moment when we first saw them in the flesh, it is pretty much impossible to explain, it is so out of most people's experience and knowledge and I am not sure I can liken it to anything relatable. It was an indescribable rush of emotion, more than I could ever have anticipated feeling. We will not meet them until the first day of visits now- but on that day we will go to the foster carers house and actually get to talk to them, play with them, be introduced to them as mummy and daddy...they will have seen our introduction books and dvd and had a family worker talk to them about us- but I cannot imagine how this day will feel given how emotive just seeing them has been. things are getting very real now and we are excited and scared in equal measure!
My excitement about this day was somewhat marred by the fear that we would not actually get to see them and we would spend a lonely hour bumbling about a playground waiting for them to never show! By the time we got there I felt very sick with nerves. We were there about 40 minutes early and the weather remained ominous- inside I was desperately hoping for no rain as rain was one thing the foster carer has worried about and this might make them not arrive as planned. we sussed out the designated area and thought about where to sit and wait- we looked around for a wet weather contingency plan (it was a garden centre with a play area that was separate) and I sent a text to their family worker to say we had arrived and where we would be. Karl tried to distract me and himself no doubt by looking at things in the garden centre but all I wanted to do was go to the meeting place and wait in case they were also early. I couldn't concentrate and holding a conversation was intensely difficult as all I could think about was what it would be like and if they would arrive or not!
We got a cup of tea and sat at a picnic bench next to the play area. This, I can tell you, is very, very odd. Two adults have no place sitting in a play area without a child. It is very strange. We felt very out of place and I had an urge to tell staff why we were there and not to worry about us hanging around a play area furtively with a cup of tea! I wanted to shout, 'We are fine, we have CRB checks, honest, we aren't staring at kids, well only two, but we have arranged to do that, it is fine! Ermm...'! It is an absurd situation to be in and certainly more than once an attendant glanced in our direction- an hour is a long time to sit in such a place with no apparent reason to be there! Karl tried to engage me in conversation but I have a feeling I spent more time staring at the entrance looking for them to arrive.
To both our surprise and relief, they did, almost spot on time. I saw the foster carers first and a hint of hair of one of the boys but bushes obscured our view until they got to the play area. My heart was in my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe- time stood still and was moving too quickly at the same time. I had seen the mop of Watson's hair first but no more and Holmes was unseen, being pushed towards the play area in a buggy and all I could see was a buggy...then almost all of a sudden, Holmes had been released and he was off, a toddler running to the climbing frame followed by a slightly bigger child...instantly I cried. It was an unmistakable good kick in the stomach, like being winded by a hockey stick to the throat (a real event in my life, much less pleasurable than this moment!), like a huge and uncontrollable spasm inside threatening to erupt. I let out some words as real, big tears sprang forth. Karl was also visibly shaken with emotion- he took my hand and I think me crying made him well up too. It was the most surreal thing- seeing them moving for real, making noise, talking...being real little human beings, not just photos and a dvd but physically there in front of us...This feeling was so powerful, can I say I love them before I meet them properly? Logically, no, I can't but emotionally that is the only thing I can describe it as- the only feeling that comes near enough to relate to someone else to try to make them understand- a huge emotional rush of love at first sight. Karl said (not sure when exactly) that he just wanted to pick them up and take them home- and that made me feel just as emotional and proud to have him by my side and know that he felt the same as I did.
I guess it is all the hurt, heartache,waiting and longing coming together in one moment, seeing OUR SONS playing and being little boys. We watched them playing and then on a bouncy castle- Watson's giggle is infectious, such absolute joy! They sat down very near to us on the next picnic bench and ate and drank nicely, put rubbish in the bin and generally were impeccable. Holmes got overly excited with baby claps and pointing when he saw a lorry, a bin truck, a tractor, a car...he is clearly fascinated with motor vehicles! They were promised and ice cream but the cafe didn't have them- they accepted the crisps as an alternative without any fuss- though amusingly, Watson walked up to the ice cream sign more than once to point out the ice cream- just to remind them that they were available! Very cute and clearly, like we had been told, obsessed with food!
What we observed was two adorable little boys who love to be active and play, who did as they were asked and didn't run off wild, who sat an ate nicely and who were happy to chat away. Holmes' language seemed appropriate for a two year old and Watson's a little less clear than Holmes. We know he is behind with his language and it was very useful to hear the extent of his language compared to Holmes. In a lot of way they are of a similar age as Watson has been delayed more due to his background history.
For just under an hour we watched them. On two occasions Holmes clocked us watching and looked right at us- we are wondering if he will remember us when we finally meet properly. He is most certainly more aware and savvy than his older brother- we 'nicknamed' them correctly!
We went home all smiles, my mum cried when she saw us and we began explaining the meeting, which set me off again! We had spent the whole journey talking about them and what we had seen and I think both of us were unable to really express how emotional the day was. I was sick with hunger by the time we got back and I think we were both relieved that the day had actually happened.
I still can't quite find the right words to describe that moment when we first saw them in the flesh, it is pretty much impossible to explain, it is so out of most people's experience and knowledge and I am not sure I can liken it to anything relatable. It was an indescribable rush of emotion, more than I could ever have anticipated feeling. We will not meet them until the first day of visits now- but on that day we will go to the foster carers house and actually get to talk to them, play with them, be introduced to them as mummy and daddy...they will have seen our introduction books and dvd and had a family worker talk to them about us- but I cannot imagine how this day will feel given how emotive just seeing them has been. things are getting very real now and we are excited and scared in equal measure!
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