In a rainy Sainsbury's car park...
It all went wrong....
Karl had received a call from our social worker to say she needed to speak to me and could I call her back. Karl had not managed to get hold of me at all- I have no idea why, I must have been staying at school for some reason, maybe I was at a rehearsal, I truly cannot remember.
I remember it being dark and rainy (pathetic fallacy as a living entity!) and I was in Sainsbury's car park, again I don't know why I was there on my own. I called our social worker to be told some heart stopping news.
We had been looking forward to the following day, day two of our training course, with third and final day on the Saturday.
We had already had our medicals done and the doctor had assured us both separately that everything was fine. In fact his words to me were along the lines of 'I see you have missed several appointments with your diabetic nurse, but I haven't been asked a question about that so all will be fine'. He expressed concern that my blood sugar was a little too high but that he could see it was coming down. It was true, I missed a lot as they kept making them in the daytime even though I kept asking for them after 4pm. I, however, had not always called to cancel them. I had started seeing my nurse earlier in the year to try to sort my blood sugars out to a more normal level.
The adoption agencies medical adviser recommended that we took a year out for me to concentrate on my health and show that I take it seriously. He could not, at this time, recommend we continue in the process. This was devastating. I was taking my health seriously, but too little too late as far as this was concerned. We had to make the decision if we would attend the training or not. I was assured it was a break not a definitive NO. It didn't feel like this, it felt like the biggest NO I have ever heard.
We decided to go and complete the course- more out of sheer bloody mindedness than hope for the future. All my insecurities regarding how we were not good enough came flooding back as well as the guilt that not having a family was STILL my fault.
We got there early which was good as we were able to talk to the social workers running the course that day regarding what had happened as we wanted them to be aware in case they weren't (they were, of course). It was a strange morning- informative and interesting with a welling pit of dread. We knew we would get to speak to our social worker at some point in the day.
By break time we were led away to have a chat. I was in floods of tears, so upset. I asked if their doctor would consider 6 months instead of 12. They called him, he wouldn't. I was in emotional pain- I had wanted Christmas 2014 to be our last Christmas as a two. There was hope and we had to hold on to that- I had to prove I took my health seriously. How did they know I had missed appointments? My Doctor had added the information, of his own free will to a form that didn't ask for it, despite telling me, of his own free will, he would say nothing. It helped at the time to be angry with him for 'lying' but ultimately, it was my own fault for missing them in the first place. I had already started taking medication properly and having tests- but, as I said, too little , too late at this stage.
We continued with the training, a sense of sadness washed over me when people spoke about where they were in the process and sadness as we added our email to the training group as we knew all of these people would be parents before us. We were assured we wouldn't need to re-do the course, told that as much as possible, our social worker would remain the same and that we would wrap up stage one and start straight into stage two, so long as their doctor agreed, in a years time.
Explaining this to my parents was heartbreaking. Karl explained it to them- as ever, when something serious needs saying that my mum will be upset by- Karl explains as me and mum are too similar and get upset/ anxious/ angry too quickly. She reacted as I expected but Karl was calm and as ever, brilliant with her and said that I didn't need blaming, I felt bad enough. Dad was disappointed but quite pragmatic about it all and asked questions and what I planned to do. Karl's parents were told over the phone and as ever, understanding and positive.
This was a huge blow. We told friends that knew, except very close ones, that we were pausing to concentrate on the house. I told work the same. We signed up to be volunteer helpers for the agency so we could keep in touch over the year and gain more experience.
In hindsight, I wish we had waited to tell my parents but there was no way to know what was about to happen that would lead to this disappointment being relegated to that background.
Karl had received a call from our social worker to say she needed to speak to me and could I call her back. Karl had not managed to get hold of me at all- I have no idea why, I must have been staying at school for some reason, maybe I was at a rehearsal, I truly cannot remember.
I remember it being dark and rainy (pathetic fallacy as a living entity!) and I was in Sainsbury's car park, again I don't know why I was there on my own. I called our social worker to be told some heart stopping news.
We had been looking forward to the following day, day two of our training course, with third and final day on the Saturday.
We had already had our medicals done and the doctor had assured us both separately that everything was fine. In fact his words to me were along the lines of 'I see you have missed several appointments with your diabetic nurse, but I haven't been asked a question about that so all will be fine'. He expressed concern that my blood sugar was a little too high but that he could see it was coming down. It was true, I missed a lot as they kept making them in the daytime even though I kept asking for them after 4pm. I, however, had not always called to cancel them. I had started seeing my nurse earlier in the year to try to sort my blood sugars out to a more normal level.
The adoption agencies medical adviser recommended that we took a year out for me to concentrate on my health and show that I take it seriously. He could not, at this time, recommend we continue in the process. This was devastating. I was taking my health seriously, but too little too late as far as this was concerned. We had to make the decision if we would attend the training or not. I was assured it was a break not a definitive NO. It didn't feel like this, it felt like the biggest NO I have ever heard.
We decided to go and complete the course- more out of sheer bloody mindedness than hope for the future. All my insecurities regarding how we were not good enough came flooding back as well as the guilt that not having a family was STILL my fault.
We got there early which was good as we were able to talk to the social workers running the course that day regarding what had happened as we wanted them to be aware in case they weren't (they were, of course). It was a strange morning- informative and interesting with a welling pit of dread. We knew we would get to speak to our social worker at some point in the day.
By break time we were led away to have a chat. I was in floods of tears, so upset. I asked if their doctor would consider 6 months instead of 12. They called him, he wouldn't. I was in emotional pain- I had wanted Christmas 2014 to be our last Christmas as a two. There was hope and we had to hold on to that- I had to prove I took my health seriously. How did they know I had missed appointments? My Doctor had added the information, of his own free will to a form that didn't ask for it, despite telling me, of his own free will, he would say nothing. It helped at the time to be angry with him for 'lying' but ultimately, it was my own fault for missing them in the first place. I had already started taking medication properly and having tests- but, as I said, too little , too late at this stage.
We continued with the training, a sense of sadness washed over me when people spoke about where they were in the process and sadness as we added our email to the training group as we knew all of these people would be parents before us. We were assured we wouldn't need to re-do the course, told that as much as possible, our social worker would remain the same and that we would wrap up stage one and start straight into stage two, so long as their doctor agreed, in a years time.
Explaining this to my parents was heartbreaking. Karl explained it to them- as ever, when something serious needs saying that my mum will be upset by- Karl explains as me and mum are too similar and get upset/ anxious/ angry too quickly. She reacted as I expected but Karl was calm and as ever, brilliant with her and said that I didn't need blaming, I felt bad enough. Dad was disappointed but quite pragmatic about it all and asked questions and what I planned to do. Karl's parents were told over the phone and as ever, understanding and positive.
This was a huge blow. We told friends that knew, except very close ones, that we were pausing to concentrate on the house. I told work the same. We signed up to be volunteer helpers for the agency so we could keep in touch over the year and gain more experience.
In hindsight, I wish we had waited to tell my parents but there was no way to know what was about to happen that would lead to this disappointment being relegated to that background.
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