Holiday blues
When we took them on their first holiday (to Northumberland) they loved it. I don't think I am looking back with rose tinted glasses, I am pretty sure they loved it. It rained and it was frustrating but they were full of wonder and excitement and yes, no doubt, some meltdowns and certainly the ever present sleep issues. They enjoyed new experiences and there were a lot of smiles. I remember being shocked that they didn't seen too bothered by a literal change in scenery. We spent ages on the packing (having read how difficult packing a bag and going away can be for adopted children).
Fast forward a year and things were totally different. Similar holiday (this time mid Wales), a cottage again and largely a repeat of the holiday with different scenery. We expected heat and got rain most of the week, so again, pretty much the same weather as well.
This time they were unconcerned about packing and they made some attempt to pack their things but really weren't bothered. they were also pretty good on the journey until about 30 mins until destination.
Perhaps because everything was subtly different with their expectations maybe being the same it led to a very trying holiday.
Things that were different that could have led to worse behaviour:
1) They had to share a double bed (though they have done this before). Perhaps not having their own bed meant they lost their identity which led to more in fighting between them- maybe.
2) Less beach time than panned- they were excited about a beach tent but we never had an opportunity to use it- we had planned whole mornings or afternoons at the beach but it was either too rainy or too windy to play on the beach for too long.
3) Less time to run around and be free and more time in the car- things were more spread out and a Welsh mile is clearly longer and therefore there was a lot of time in the car.
4) An extra dog- since we took mum's dog in we now have three and they are a drain on what we can do and the space we have especially as he is badly behaved on a lead.
5) Being older- maybe the simple fact of being older, more abovve to think about things for themselves and to think about their own expectations of days out and what they want.
6) An extra family member- their nanna came along this time and maybe having someone different was enough change to heighten their more negative behaviour- something different to the normal routine.
Don't get me wrong, there were some lovely moments of giggles and smiles and awe and there were real moment of enjoyment but this was an incredibly trying holiday with many incidents of fighting, meltdowns and heightened attachment issues and extreme attention needing.
The subtle changes based on their previous experience seem to have been enough to tip them over into continuous hyper alert mode, combined with F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) and therefore refusals to go to bed or to sleep once in bed. This lack of sleep certainly drained all of us and super early mornings on top of late nights were the icing on the no-sleep cake.
Why are holidays in generally often so problematic for adopted kids? Well, let's look at what is problematic for adults, let alone kids- packing, stressing about what to do on holiday, stressing about the weather (If you are U.K. bound especially!), stressing about the journey, stressing about the cottage/ hotel/ campsite will live up to its hype- see, already we are passing on loads of stress to our children! So- we start with stress (and hopefully excitement). They pick up on the imminent change and we may think we hide out stress (we don't) but are we over excited in our need to make the holiday seem appealing and fun to our children? Does this excitement turn into anxiety for them? Quite possibly! How may times have we taken our children to something we think they will love and they hate it or break down? Too many to count, I bet! So we start with stress before we even pack the car!
Then comes the journey- this will be longer than they are used to and sitting still for a long while seems an impossible task. Mine cannot even watch films as they cannot stop pressing the buttons and messing it all up, which leads to shouting and crying and instance that we sort it out when we can't as the car is moving! Fiddle boards were useful for a bit and then they lost their appeal, same with any toy or book we put in with them. We haven't tried to take them on a plane yet- I can only imagine it may be a heightened version of car stress as others are there too- there may also be fear and meltdowns- something we will face one day- but not yet!
Then we get there and what we have told them may not be the same as they expect in their heads (it doesn't always live up to our expectations!). We all have to suss out our accommodation and most importantly, where we are sleeping! New beds, new room, very little familiar to them (we see this as a novelty and a welcome change of scenery) this is bound to cause anxiety.
We then come to lack of routine (even if we stick to bedtimes and mealtimes as best we can), uncertainty of where they are going each day and what they are doing- the ad hoc-ness of holidays, a world of possibilities, will see daunting and confusing and frightening to our children.
Why is this different for adopted kids? Surely all kids experience the above? Well yes, of course they do but their stories haven't started with moving houses several times, losing their family (yes, even little babies feel this loss), being scared about being in new houses with new people and knowing that packing bags can mean a whole confusing change in their little lives. Adopted children are so very often hyper-alert at the best of times- dump them in a new environment and boy their senses are all over the place. New bedrooms can alert them to fear- bedrooms are a place where adopted children may have been ignored and left lonely, their cries unheard from very early on in their lives- there is no security of a parent holding them close until they sleep (even if we now do this for them). There are so many possibilities for adopted children to feel scared by this change that go beyond any 'normal' child's anxiety and fear (I hate the word 'normal' but you know what I mean- a child born to a family in a loving home who grows up in their family)- excluding, of course, children with other specific needs that mean they will experience similar fears about change.
The subtle changes based on their previous experience seem to have been enough to tip them over into continuous hyper alert mode, combined with F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) and therefore refusals to go to bed or to sleep once in bed. This lack of sleep certainly drained all of us and super early mornings on top of late nights were the icing on the no-sleep cake.
Why are holidays in generally often so problematic for adopted kids? Well, let's look at what is problematic for adults, let alone kids- packing, stressing about what to do on holiday, stressing about the weather (If you are U.K. bound especially!), stressing about the journey, stressing about the cottage/ hotel/ campsite will live up to its hype- see, already we are passing on loads of stress to our children! So- we start with stress (and hopefully excitement). They pick up on the imminent change and we may think we hide out stress (we don't) but are we over excited in our need to make the holiday seem appealing and fun to our children? Does this excitement turn into anxiety for them? Quite possibly! How may times have we taken our children to something we think they will love and they hate it or break down? Too many to count, I bet! So we start with stress before we even pack the car!
Then comes the journey- this will be longer than they are used to and sitting still for a long while seems an impossible task. Mine cannot even watch films as they cannot stop pressing the buttons and messing it all up, which leads to shouting and crying and instance that we sort it out when we can't as the car is moving! Fiddle boards were useful for a bit and then they lost their appeal, same with any toy or book we put in with them. We haven't tried to take them on a plane yet- I can only imagine it may be a heightened version of car stress as others are there too- there may also be fear and meltdowns- something we will face one day- but not yet!
Then we get there and what we have told them may not be the same as they expect in their heads (it doesn't always live up to our expectations!). We all have to suss out our accommodation and most importantly, where we are sleeping! New beds, new room, very little familiar to them (we see this as a novelty and a welcome change of scenery) this is bound to cause anxiety.
We then come to lack of routine (even if we stick to bedtimes and mealtimes as best we can), uncertainty of where they are going each day and what they are doing- the ad hoc-ness of holidays, a world of possibilities, will see daunting and confusing and frightening to our children.
Why is this different for adopted kids? Surely all kids experience the above? Well yes, of course they do but their stories haven't started with moving houses several times, losing their family (yes, even little babies feel this loss), being scared about being in new houses with new people and knowing that packing bags can mean a whole confusing change in their little lives. Adopted children are so very often hyper-alert at the best of times- dump them in a new environment and boy their senses are all over the place. New bedrooms can alert them to fear- bedrooms are a place where adopted children may have been ignored and left lonely, their cries unheard from very early on in their lives- there is no security of a parent holding them close until they sleep (even if we now do this for them). There are so many possibilities for adopted children to feel scared by this change that go beyond any 'normal' child's anxiety and fear (I hate the word 'normal' but you know what I mean- a child born to a family in a loving home who grows up in their family)- excluding, of course, children with other specific needs that mean they will experience similar fears about change.
Will this stop me going on holiday? Heck no! Holiday's are change of routine and a needed change of scenery and come what may, we will book holidays and travel. For now, the U.K. only but we will be daring to go overseas at some point. Life have to go on and adopted children deserve these experiences and deserve us to help them through these experiences.
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