The Modern Adoptive Mummy

We are in the middle of National Adoption Week. This is hosted by the website and organisation First 4 Adoption . The idea is to put out a national drive for adopters to come forward to adopt the 1000+ children currently in care. Adopter figures rise and fall and currently there has been a drop in people wanting to adopt- meaning children spend longer in care. You can adopt in several ways, through your Local Authority or a surrounding Local Authority (L.A.) or through a Voluntary Adoption Agency (V.A.). The L.A. will try to place you with children in your local area (or the area local to them) and a V.A. will help you to seek for a child across all of the U.K. Why adopt? This is not an easy route to take in the U.K. but it is not as daunting as you may think. Why do it? Maybe you long for a family and nature has denied you? Maybe you have a birth child or children but want to offer a child in care a home? Maybe adoption is your first choice? There are many reasons t...

When we took them on their first holiday (to Northumberland) they loved it. I don't think I am looking back with rose tinted glasses, I am pretty sure they loved it. It rained and it was frustrating but they were full of wonder and excitement and yes, no doubt, some meltdowns and certainly the ever present sleep issues. They enjoyed new experiences and there were a lot of smiles. I remember being shocked that they didn't seen too bothered by a literal change in scenery. We spent ages on the packing (having read how difficult packing a bag and going away can be for adopted children). Fast forward a year and things were totally different. Similar holiday (this time mid Wales), a cottage again and largely a repeat of the holiday with different scenery. We expected heat and got rain most of the week, so again, pretty much the same weather as well. This time they were unconcerned about packing and they made some attempt to pack their things but really weren't bothered. t...

Sometimes it is little things that remind you that your child is not a 'normal' child ( I hate that word- what is normal? Everyone's 'normal' is something different!). I am not sure what else to say though- we don't need anything to remind us they are  adopted as it is a living and breathing thing that is always with us as adoptive parents, well I believe that to be true. So, I am sticking with there term 'normal' in this case. Beyond needing to know where their own parent is- 'Where daddy?' (in the loo), 'Where mummy?' (in the kitchen), 'Where daddy?' (gone to work, you know that, you said goodbye to him...), 'Where mummy?' (in the same room as you, just look around)- we are reminded that our children don't have the same viewpoint as other children- or maybe they do but we know it comes from loss and adoption so it is deeper rooted as an issue and not just a passing question or concern. How are we reminded?   Films ...

Last week I attended an adoption open evening as a guest speaker for Coram. I was nervous and excited - I wanted to come across as truthful but not negative and certainly not all rosy tinted specs- a good mix of my story, what to expect and positive vibes for the process. I want to give back to the community- hence I became a media champion but also I want to talk to others, to encourage them that this step is a positive one, a hard one, but a positive one. It was an enjoyable evening and I hope I have helped in any small way. it was lovely to see everyone there signing up to proceed into discussions :) Before you begin 1)  Don't listen to advice from anyone who hasn't been through the process in some way or who doesn't have a good working knowledge of the process. Birth parenting is very different to adoptive parenting in many ways. Certainly  don't take any 'horror stories' of disruption (when a placement breaks down). extreme 'poor' behaviour or ...

We wanted this so badly specifically I wanted it the most. It got to the point where I couldn't accept that I was childless. It was not the path I had wanted for my life and I had not been able to successfully bury these feelings (see much earlier posts for my feelings about this!). After some shocked and bemused discussions we dipped our toes in and skirted in the shallow end for quite some time, gathering information and time after time being astonished that we were a viable couple for adoption. In truth, I kept being astounded by this fact until the day they came home! So what did WE think adoption was? I knew in my heart you didn't get babies anymore- this was not a shock to me to find this out. I thought the process would be grueling and we would be weaned out at some point. I thought it would take a while before a child or children would call me Mummy. I thought I would end up with a child or children with a seriously sad background of abuse. I thought I w...

I have seen and used this hashtag on instagram and twitter on many occasions. I first saw it used on instagram and it spoke to me  of happiness, new beginnings and all the positivity of the children's lives now they had found stability. What was 'RO CKING' about adoption for me? A number of things and in no particular order: The fact they were settling and thriving. The fact they were sometimes sharing wonderful sharing moments (especially as mine have more reasons than 'normal' to not share well). The fact they were in wonder at new things, places, experiences. The fact that they tried new foods, new activities and in many cases overcame fear to do them. The fact they were showing how loving and caring they could be, first with the dogs and then with us and family and friends. The fact that there are moments of utter joy and happiness for them and us. The fact that some of their delayed learning and development is coming on leaps and bounds (largely cau...

I am not talking maternity/ adoption leave here- I am talking about having to take parental leave days from work. Okay, this is not specific to adoptive parents, it is all parents but I will go on to adoption specifics later... I did not preempt exactly how many I would need to take in such a short amount of time. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it isn't that many but it is enough to make every one a day filled with worry, frustration, guilt and fear. Worry- How will I be thought of at work? 'Oh, another day off? r=Really? Hmmm' or 'Can't her husband/ mother/ dog look after them?'...Often it is those that are child-free that say these things (okay, not the dog comment!) but not always. I have heard these things said by people about others in the same situation in the past so I assume someone, somewhere may be saying them about me. Am I looked at as a lame excuse of an employee skiving an easy day off? The brain goes into overdrive and the worry about...

We are not strange. We are in a growing number. We are pescatarians. We eat fish but not meat. This is usually so hard to understand that we tell people we are vegetarian (another growing number of people). I have encountered some alarming viewpoints about how we feed our children (and indeed when they were prospective children). Views range from it being tantamount to child abuse to not feed children meat to befuddled views about how we manage to feed children without meat. We faced hard questions at panel for our children, what if they will only eat chicken nuggets? (Yes seriously, this was a question!). Well A: they should be trying other foods, has the FC of 10 months really restricted them like this and not tried to change it? and B: have you heard of quorn and soya products? As far as A was concerned it was a question not even based on the children we were hoping to adopt as they would eat most food and with B apparently some of them hadn't! (it is not exactly a bizar...

Adoptive parents of children that are older (by older, I mean not a young baby) may well, like me, come to parenting with no experience of  babydom, the all absorption of parenthood, the skin to skin contact and the feelings of utter connection (because I don't actually know first hand, I take this from friends who have had babies). We may come to parenthood of our toddlers with a total disconnection of what being a parent is- we come at it through theory, some childcare experience (we helped out at Beavers and i am a teacher) and we read. Some of us may have nieces and nephews, be exceedingly close to a friend's baby or know some baby in a more connected and intimate way. I would hazard a guess that many of us don't. And this is okay really- a majority of birth parents come to their with no prior experience and none of them have been though intensive questioning and appraisal of peers to be a parent. But- and here is the real lesson- we miss out on the crucial bondin...

...Or the invasion of the sleep snatchers! The day you take them away... We arrived fairly early to pick our boys up, it was fairly quick really. The foster carers had brought them presents and the boys themselves seemed quite happy to leave.Watson seemed a little sad and ran back to the male carer for a cuddle, Holmes, however seemed quite settled about it all. In all fairness, they wanted to move him on and I suspect he was aware on some level of this (he had displayed an unusual level of tantruming and rage with them- and they said they couldn't go anywhere with him). In the car Watson muttered the male foster carers name once in a sad manner, like it was sinking in for him. The drive home was strange as we both knew the support was gone, they weren't going back and we didn't have the safety net of  the foster carers. We had no idea how they would react to sleeping in our house (they had played in their rooms but not stayed over). Would they really be able to under...

The name certificates are up on their bedroom walls...the new birth certificates have arrived and we have no SW scrutiny anymore- these boys 'belong' (I say belong, but I don't believe any human should belong to another) to us- not just in our hearts and minds but legally. So is there a difference? Do we feel differently about them now? How do we feel now the safety net has gone? There is a difference, it is a mixture of relief and fear. Relief: Another chapter of the journey has ended and it is a welcome end. I was sick of LAC (looked after child) reviews and sick of chasing and chasing the LA for various pieces of information and more than anything, sick of never fully feeling like a family (as we didn't have full parental responsibility). Don't get me wrong, our VA SW was awesome and super supportive but there was always this niggling feeling that they boys weren't fully ours. I was relived that I didn't have to deal with the LA again, as to be...