The baby that wasn't
One of the social workers at our agency sent us two profiles- meaning they had identified interesting children for us to look at. One profile was a child we had been discussing, so we took this as a hint to enquire (we were declined).The other profile didn't open and we couldn't work out why. They couldn't remember sending more than one. Oddly, there was a profile was waiting for us under the heading 'shortlisted' when we woke up the next morning.
This set our heads spinning! Had we been shortlisted for a child without enquiring? Had a social worker seen our profile and wanted us and shortlisted us? Was it a social worker who had already seen our profile and declined us for another child but felt they wanted us for this one? It was all very strange and confusing. the child had no name listed or picture, meaning they were likely going through an adoption order but most excitingly- they were a baby- a proper baby- they were around 6 months old! A baby! we had never dreamed we would be in the running for a baby- firstly as they aren't normally given up for adoption until they are 1 or almost 1, secondly, they are usually placed within local authority (remember we are going through an agency not local authority) and thirdly the competition for such children could be in the 200s!
Our minds were reeling with thoughts of why we had been shortlisted and how exciting a baby would be- something we didn't ever think was possible given how the system works. What on earth would the next step be for this? It was too early to talk to our social worker to discuss what this all was!
What it turned out to be was nothing- absolutely nothing. A failing of the system (and indeed our understanding of the system) how it labels things you might say. Within a few hours we were declined. the whole thing seemed a little odd- so I did a bit of digging and found the profile we had been forwarded yesterday turned out to be the same child we were 'shortlisted' for...In fact the other social worker looked again and also noticed this.
It turns out when a social worker sends you a profile to look at the website labels it 'shortlisted'- this, in this case, simply means they have shortlisted it for you to look at. This is frustratingly confusing as it can also mean you have been shortlisted by the child's social worker to be considered further. The label shouldn't be confusing, but clearly is, perhaps there should be a 'recommended' label for such occasions rather than it being labelled 'shortlisted'.
So within the space of a morning we were surprised, elated, had our minds blown with thoughts of having a baby placed with us, confused, disappointed and ultimately felt let down by a system that gave us false hope with its confusing terminology.
For a brief moment we had dreams of cots and prams and changing tables and getting to do all the baby stuff normal parents get to do that we would never be able to do- it all seemed rather cruel, like life had swept in to remind us of the very thing we would never have, the very thing we would always have missed out on, the very thing that sets childless adopters apart from normal mummies and daddies. It was the one thing we had already let go of as well- that need to be a parent from the very beginning- it was something that we knew was not a reality and so had stopped longing and dreaming of that life as it was never to be. We never entered adoption thinking this is what we could have and we are both very realistic in the sense that we know it would always be an older child or children that we would be placed with- we were under no illusions that a healthy baby would be placed in our arms. Even so, we felt we were given a little sunbeam of hope and the door to that life that seems so normal and easy to achieve for so many, had been cracked open that day. It is firmly shut again now, the room containing the silver cross pram and canopied cot; that door is one that will not open- and we are okay with that, really we are. we had come to terms with that particular room being blocked off and it was a a misunderstanding of terminology on a website that cruelly cracked it open.
As it turned out we also applied for this child's siblings to also be turned down- maybe we were totally wrong for them, maybe it was distance (they were very far away in the country).
Only one more baby has surfaced since, an under one year old and their unborn sibling...this is exceedingly rare, of course we applied, and I can bet 100s did. We were also declined on these children- we expected that. I think you have to have a full time stay at home parent to be in with any chance of this age of child. It does make me wonder if we ever could provide that- financially we could but life would be exceedingly hard- and it wouldn't be me that got to stay home. Financially it would put us back to 'the dark times' of our early relationship where we could barely cope. It would be too much of a stretch long term to consider. It is those that can afford for one parent to give up work totally that will always be considered first. No one has said this to me, it is just my assumption based on thinking about what would you prefer for child in a perfect world- and this is it- with so many adopters out there and not enough children currently, you are going to go for the best option of a stay at home parent. I am hoping that we come near the top with me being able to be with a child all the time in the school holidays whereas this is not so easy, even for a part time worker to meet this need. we are in a good position but this is one reason why we felt we would not be considered for children under 4- believe me, we want to be considered for younger and will keep trying but the realistic rather than the emotional part of our brains tells us this fact.
Being normal sometimes seems just not good enough- being a normal working set of parents with one parent full time an one part time or full time because they have to work to get by is not 'the best' situation- no matter how normal and acceptable it is across the country. This is sad, as I see nothing wrong with a child going to nursery- without the parent being there- they learn so much about sharing and being sociable, learning about separation from parents in a nurturing environment and learning that they can cope being looked after by other trusted adults. It is not a second best solution for a child- it is s different solution but not inferior- you have to look at what it gives a child as well as what it takes away. It is also an excellent way to highlight learning difficulties that a child may have that go unnoticed by a parent (why would the necessarily notice traits of autism or ADD?) and this may in turn lead to different parenting styles based on tried and tested methods that will help the child long term- there are so many benefits to a child being in nursery. I can, however, understand that the stability of the stay home mum or dad is something important, a constant for a child and no one can know a child better than the parent as full time carer- and stability is even more important for adopted children as they naturally have issues with trust of others and issues with attachment. I totally understand it and wish we could offer it- but we can't offer more than a maximum of two years of a stay home dad.
So, we move forward with hope and continue to face the unknown.
This set our heads spinning! Had we been shortlisted for a child without enquiring? Had a social worker seen our profile and wanted us and shortlisted us? Was it a social worker who had already seen our profile and declined us for another child but felt they wanted us for this one? It was all very strange and confusing. the child had no name listed or picture, meaning they were likely going through an adoption order but most excitingly- they were a baby- a proper baby- they were around 6 months old! A baby! we had never dreamed we would be in the running for a baby- firstly as they aren't normally given up for adoption until they are 1 or almost 1, secondly, they are usually placed within local authority (remember we are going through an agency not local authority) and thirdly the competition for such children could be in the 200s!
Our minds were reeling with thoughts of why we had been shortlisted and how exciting a baby would be- something we didn't ever think was possible given how the system works. What on earth would the next step be for this? It was too early to talk to our social worker to discuss what this all was!
What it turned out to be was nothing- absolutely nothing. A failing of the system (and indeed our understanding of the system) how it labels things you might say. Within a few hours we were declined. the whole thing seemed a little odd- so I did a bit of digging and found the profile we had been forwarded yesterday turned out to be the same child we were 'shortlisted' for...In fact the other social worker looked again and also noticed this.
It turns out when a social worker sends you a profile to look at the website labels it 'shortlisted'- this, in this case, simply means they have shortlisted it for you to look at. This is frustratingly confusing as it can also mean you have been shortlisted by the child's social worker to be considered further. The label shouldn't be confusing, but clearly is, perhaps there should be a 'recommended' label for such occasions rather than it being labelled 'shortlisted'.
So within the space of a morning we were surprised, elated, had our minds blown with thoughts of having a baby placed with us, confused, disappointed and ultimately felt let down by a system that gave us false hope with its confusing terminology.
For a brief moment we had dreams of cots and prams and changing tables and getting to do all the baby stuff normal parents get to do that we would never be able to do- it all seemed rather cruel, like life had swept in to remind us of the very thing we would never have, the very thing we would always have missed out on, the very thing that sets childless adopters apart from normal mummies and daddies. It was the one thing we had already let go of as well- that need to be a parent from the very beginning- it was something that we knew was not a reality and so had stopped longing and dreaming of that life as it was never to be. We never entered adoption thinking this is what we could have and we are both very realistic in the sense that we know it would always be an older child or children that we would be placed with- we were under no illusions that a healthy baby would be placed in our arms. Even so, we felt we were given a little sunbeam of hope and the door to that life that seems so normal and easy to achieve for so many, had been cracked open that day. It is firmly shut again now, the room containing the silver cross pram and canopied cot; that door is one that will not open- and we are okay with that, really we are. we had come to terms with that particular room being blocked off and it was a a misunderstanding of terminology on a website that cruelly cracked it open.
As it turned out we also applied for this child's siblings to also be turned down- maybe we were totally wrong for them, maybe it was distance (they were very far away in the country).
Only one more baby has surfaced since, an under one year old and their unborn sibling...this is exceedingly rare, of course we applied, and I can bet 100s did. We were also declined on these children- we expected that. I think you have to have a full time stay at home parent to be in with any chance of this age of child. It does make me wonder if we ever could provide that- financially we could but life would be exceedingly hard- and it wouldn't be me that got to stay home. Financially it would put us back to 'the dark times' of our early relationship where we could barely cope. It would be too much of a stretch long term to consider. It is those that can afford for one parent to give up work totally that will always be considered first. No one has said this to me, it is just my assumption based on thinking about what would you prefer for child in a perfect world- and this is it- with so many adopters out there and not enough children currently, you are going to go for the best option of a stay at home parent. I am hoping that we come near the top with me being able to be with a child all the time in the school holidays whereas this is not so easy, even for a part time worker to meet this need. we are in a good position but this is one reason why we felt we would not be considered for children under 4- believe me, we want to be considered for younger and will keep trying but the realistic rather than the emotional part of our brains tells us this fact.
Being normal sometimes seems just not good enough- being a normal working set of parents with one parent full time an one part time or full time because they have to work to get by is not 'the best' situation- no matter how normal and acceptable it is across the country. This is sad, as I see nothing wrong with a child going to nursery- without the parent being there- they learn so much about sharing and being sociable, learning about separation from parents in a nurturing environment and learning that they can cope being looked after by other trusted adults. It is not a second best solution for a child- it is s different solution but not inferior- you have to look at what it gives a child as well as what it takes away. It is also an excellent way to highlight learning difficulties that a child may have that go unnoticed by a parent (why would the necessarily notice traits of autism or ADD?) and this may in turn lead to different parenting styles based on tried and tested methods that will help the child long term- there are so many benefits to a child being in nursery. I can, however, understand that the stability of the stay home mum or dad is something important, a constant for a child and no one can know a child better than the parent as full time carer- and stability is even more important for adopted children as they naturally have issues with trust of others and issues with attachment. I totally understand it and wish we could offer it- but we can't offer more than a maximum of two years of a stay home dad.
So, we move forward with hope and continue to face the unknown.
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