Stealing your heart too soon
The next link had our hearts racing- we had an excitable phone conversation over whether to enquire or not- we initially both said no due to the age of one of the children but neither of us could let it go- the interests of the older child were exactly ours and the fact that they loved singing and dancing and dressing up and crafting was too much to ignore. The more we read through the online profile the more excited we became- they seemed perfect despite a slightly older age of one of them (they were a sibling pair).
And they were adorable, gorgeous little faces and the video showed them to be happy and playing well together- they seemed a wonderful fit for us and us for them.
So I enquired and within ten minutes we received a link back! This only fueled the excitement.
Later our PAR was sent, our social worker agreed they looked a good match and even more exciting, the children's background details (CPR- Child's Permanence Report) were sent to our Social Worker to read through and let us know a bit about them. They were not to be given to us unless we made the next cut (from 5 prospective adopters to 2).Every Local Authority approaches this differently- some will let you read the report before shortlisting further. Everything seemed very positive, we felt able to deal with past issues raised and were very happy to move forward. We started to think about these children in our lives and made the decision at this point to decorate the second spare room so we could show that we could easily accommodate two children.
Imagining the children in your home at this stage is a mistake, talking about them too often by name is a mistake and certainly looking at their pictures too often is a mistake. We can only learn through all of these mistakes.
We were waiting and waiting the week of the decision, not sure exactly when they would decide.We found out that the decision had been made but they were telling people the week after. Surprisingly, we found out a day later- I received an email from my social worker entitled: 'disappointing news'. It came through on my phone as a notification and I knew exactly what it would be...it was only the fact that I was sat in front of a handful of students in detention that I didn't burst into tears. I managed to remain calm and unchanged on the outside. The email revealed what I expected.
I called our Social worker to talk it through- frustratingly they never give you any reasons just that 'others were stronger' this doesn't help at all at the time- you want to know why, especially if it is something that stands out in the PAR that could be changed but in reality it could be as simple as wrong hair colour and someone else had the same hair colour. They have such choice at the moment it can be something that tiny that makes the decision.
It was a blow indeed but more than that it was a learning curve not to get too attached too early. I won't be telling people about links I have again apart from a few, both Karl and I had talked about them at work to colleagues (not about them in detail, more that they existed and we were in the running for them). In hindsight, doing this makes it more real and others excitement for you is infectious and you dare to dream.
There was one other live link and that helped us through (not that we had any further information on this at the time- and still don't at time of writing this). We pushed on with decorating the second spare room anyway as we felt more and more that we were becoming interested in siblilng groups rather than one child so it seemed right to continue with this plan.
I feel that there will be many bitter pills to swallow through this process, many more times where we pick ourselves up and carry on, many more times where we allow ourselves to become too attached. I keep telling myself that even if we are visited, we may not be chosen, even at panel we could be turned down, new issues may arise, the foster carer can decide they want to be considered to adopt, even at meeting the children we or they may not get on- right up until visit, things can still come tumbling down and leave us back at square one.
It took a week for the link to be declined- with no option to re-open (this means if the children's profile goes back on the site we cannot apply again) this I found odd as we were clearly in the running- why wouldn't a Social Worker get back in contact? Then again, maybe it comes down to having such choice they can afford to cast the net out again.
So, this one wasn't to be, however much we felt it should have been- onward down the path we go!
And they were adorable, gorgeous little faces and the video showed them to be happy and playing well together- they seemed a wonderful fit for us and us for them.
So I enquired and within ten minutes we received a link back! This only fueled the excitement.
Later our PAR was sent, our social worker agreed they looked a good match and even more exciting, the children's background details (CPR- Child's Permanence Report) were sent to our Social Worker to read through and let us know a bit about them. They were not to be given to us unless we made the next cut (from 5 prospective adopters to 2).Every Local Authority approaches this differently- some will let you read the report before shortlisting further. Everything seemed very positive, we felt able to deal with past issues raised and were very happy to move forward. We started to think about these children in our lives and made the decision at this point to decorate the second spare room so we could show that we could easily accommodate two children.
Imagining the children in your home at this stage is a mistake, talking about them too often by name is a mistake and certainly looking at their pictures too often is a mistake. We can only learn through all of these mistakes.
We were waiting and waiting the week of the decision, not sure exactly when they would decide.We found out that the decision had been made but they were telling people the week after. Surprisingly, we found out a day later- I received an email from my social worker entitled: 'disappointing news'. It came through on my phone as a notification and I knew exactly what it would be...it was only the fact that I was sat in front of a handful of students in detention that I didn't burst into tears. I managed to remain calm and unchanged on the outside. The email revealed what I expected.
I called our Social worker to talk it through- frustratingly they never give you any reasons just that 'others were stronger' this doesn't help at all at the time- you want to know why, especially if it is something that stands out in the PAR that could be changed but in reality it could be as simple as wrong hair colour and someone else had the same hair colour. They have such choice at the moment it can be something that tiny that makes the decision.
It was a blow indeed but more than that it was a learning curve not to get too attached too early. I won't be telling people about links I have again apart from a few, both Karl and I had talked about them at work to colleagues (not about them in detail, more that they existed and we were in the running for them). In hindsight, doing this makes it more real and others excitement for you is infectious and you dare to dream.
There was one other live link and that helped us through (not that we had any further information on this at the time- and still don't at time of writing this). We pushed on with decorating the second spare room anyway as we felt more and more that we were becoming interested in siblilng groups rather than one child so it seemed right to continue with this plan.
I feel that there will be many bitter pills to swallow through this process, many more times where we pick ourselves up and carry on, many more times where we allow ourselves to become too attached. I keep telling myself that even if we are visited, we may not be chosen, even at panel we could be turned down, new issues may arise, the foster carer can decide they want to be considered to adopt, even at meeting the children we or they may not get on- right up until visit, things can still come tumbling down and leave us back at square one.
It took a week for the link to be declined- with no option to re-open (this means if the children's profile goes back on the site we cannot apply again) this I found odd as we were clearly in the running- why wouldn't a Social Worker get back in contact? Then again, maybe it comes down to having such choice they can afford to cast the net out again.
So, this one wasn't to be, however much we felt it should have been- onward down the path we go!
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