Coping with the waiting...
It seems we have come almost full circle. when we were with no hope of children, we filled our lives with things- I have mentioned the shopping and filling our lives with purchases that, to be honest, were not really needed...well we are back on the shopping again!
This time, not for us- well it is as it makes us happy- but technically everything is for Holmes and Watson!
The day we got the call to say they were moving forward with us (after the home visit) we both felt the impulsive need to celebrate and do something wildly decadent and forbidden...so we went to Toys R us and bought things! I know, disgustingly decadent and impulsive- we should be ashamed of the new addiction!
We came home with some bath toys and a car race track (which Spike was obsessed with!). It felt good! A seal had broken to an uncharted world and despite telling ourselves to stop- we couldn't! Shopping became a way to deal with the awful waiting- and I can tell you this drawn out process is draining- hanging on to the next 'installment' of the journey and the longer it goes on the more you start to doubt there will ever be an end point.
Toys were an easy thing to buy- in our heads we could tell our selves 'well they will be fine for any child if things go wrong', It took us a while to start to discuss them by name- when buying toys we could talk about 'the boys' and say things like, 'well they like cars and the like XYZ'... whilst we had opened the floodgate of buying we hadn't quite allowed ourselves to think about them as individuals too much. In the early days of the match we knew we had very outdated information so it was hard to start to get to know them when the information we had was 5-6 months out of date at that point- we even knew they would look different to the picture we had.
So, lots of toys came home, diggers, trikes, cars, playmat, play tent, sand ppit, see saw, teddies (I had bought a few teddies whilst in stage 3 pre matching when the urge just got too much- teddies, I told myself, were great for any gender- and of course, I like them!), again, telling ourselves any child can play with these things...if it all goes wrong...
We bought a toddler bed, bedding, mattresses, little table and chairs...again, any child of a similar age could use these, right?
It is such a hard feeling to explaining- knowing the likelihood is they will come home to us but keeping the fear in our heads that things can go wrong. One of my biggest fears was foster carers suddenly deciding they wanted to keep them. Other fears include random family members coming forward to adopt them or a successful plee from the birth mother to stop the adoption or simply, the manager in the local authority doesn't agree the match...there is this constant niggle in your stomach, a sick feeling that won't quite go away. You are never home and dry- not until they are living with you and the adoption order has gone through the court (which can take about a year). Until that date things can go wrong still. It becomes less and less likely they will but the fear is still there!
As well as sating our need for tings to happen by making lots of little thing happen ourselves, we told ourselves we were stock piling as it isn't a good idea to to overwhelm adopted children with so many toys that there is sensory overload- any child really, adopted or not I guess. Also, we know we will be facing times where we are literally living hand to mouth, getting enough in to cover all bills but very little else, at that point we won't have money to buy nice toys for birthdays so stock piling was a good idea financially. we had too much now to either have all this in the room for them or to give at Christmas.
I had bought a couple of t shirts each- but wouldn't allow that particular box to be opened and kept the lid on it for a long time. We were very good at this- for such a long time- not wanting to tempt fate (like the simple buying of clothes can do such a thing- but we are strange creatures of superstition and fear!). In the early days of the proposed match we felt we couldnt really buy clothes so a few tiny items hung in the room as a hopeful reminder that little bodies would fill them one day.
As time went on, this started to change- we realised we had too many toys and had to stop as we had enough stockpiled for Christmas and upcoming birthdays as well as having some to be in the house and garden on arrival. We went on a post adoption training afternoon/ evening where almost all were newly matched or now had the children at home- it was mentioned to those of us still waiting for final placement about not overloading them with toys and 'we know you will have wardrobes full of clothes already'...I am not ashamed to say that this was the moment I felt I was given permission to buy clothes. Karl said he knew as soon as that was said that this would be my reaction!
We did indeed buy a few more things but the buying in earnest didn't start until after the Matching Matrix meeting had happened- where everyone formally agreed we were a good match. We bought things age appropriate in sizing and later learned that Watson was large for his age- well that was okay, we just moved some of the smaller items over to Holmes side and bought some more! It has helped, really helped with the waiting- we know they are going to come with clothes and toys that the foster carers have bought but we want our own things to gradually get them wearing (you are advised to keep them in clothes they are used to for a little while and gradually introduce new things). It is at this pint that we now call them by their names, talk about them as people and discuss them with vie to the future, 'well, Holmes will grow into that...'.
This weekend was another personal milestone in the waiting and helping to sooth the waiting- we found out their shoe size- we haven't gone mad but two pairs of shoes, one to grow into and one spot on size...there is nothing so cute as kids shoes- I admit, there was a hint of sadness that I had to ignore the really tiny shoes as ours were 2 and 3 year olds, but the cuteness of tiny shoes all the same was enough to get over that quickly!
And for the first time- we went seriously shopping for car seats and a buggy (Holmes still uses a buggy, especially on longer walks). we spent an hour in Mothercare (a place I had never been- as it is not for the childless to poke their nose in...) looking at various strollers (realising we cannot go cheap as we need it to take over 15kg) and car seats. It was a surreal experience! we are going to get a small grant for each child for this sort of thing so we will not buy anything until we have been formally matched on 20th September and ratification date of 27th September.
So yeah- I doubt we are done with the shopping for clothes (currently want some vest and pants and socks- so that is a shopping trip for September!). It has kept us focused and sane- normally the wait is not as long as this and we needed to do something to keep it real and feel like we were moving forward, albeit it slowly!
This time, not for us- well it is as it makes us happy- but technically everything is for Holmes and Watson!
The day we got the call to say they were moving forward with us (after the home visit) we both felt the impulsive need to celebrate and do something wildly decadent and forbidden...so we went to Toys R us and bought things! I know, disgustingly decadent and impulsive- we should be ashamed of the new addiction!
We came home with some bath toys and a car race track (which Spike was obsessed with!). It felt good! A seal had broken to an uncharted world and despite telling ourselves to stop- we couldn't! Shopping became a way to deal with the awful waiting- and I can tell you this drawn out process is draining- hanging on to the next 'installment' of the journey and the longer it goes on the more you start to doubt there will ever be an end point.
Toys were an easy thing to buy- in our heads we could tell our selves 'well they will be fine for any child if things go wrong', It took us a while to start to discuss them by name- when buying toys we could talk about 'the boys' and say things like, 'well they like cars and the like XYZ'... whilst we had opened the floodgate of buying we hadn't quite allowed ourselves to think about them as individuals too much. In the early days of the match we knew we had very outdated information so it was hard to start to get to know them when the information we had was 5-6 months out of date at that point- we even knew they would look different to the picture we had.
So, lots of toys came home, diggers, trikes, cars, playmat, play tent, sand ppit, see saw, teddies (I had bought a few teddies whilst in stage 3 pre matching when the urge just got too much- teddies, I told myself, were great for any gender- and of course, I like them!), again, telling ourselves any child can play with these things...if it all goes wrong...
We bought a toddler bed, bedding, mattresses, little table and chairs...again, any child of a similar age could use these, right?
It is such a hard feeling to explaining- knowing the likelihood is they will come home to us but keeping the fear in our heads that things can go wrong. One of my biggest fears was foster carers suddenly deciding they wanted to keep them. Other fears include random family members coming forward to adopt them or a successful plee from the birth mother to stop the adoption or simply, the manager in the local authority doesn't agree the match...there is this constant niggle in your stomach, a sick feeling that won't quite go away. You are never home and dry- not until they are living with you and the adoption order has gone through the court (which can take about a year). Until that date things can go wrong still. It becomes less and less likely they will but the fear is still there!
As well as sating our need for tings to happen by making lots of little thing happen ourselves, we told ourselves we were stock piling as it isn't a good idea to to overwhelm adopted children with so many toys that there is sensory overload- any child really, adopted or not I guess. Also, we know we will be facing times where we are literally living hand to mouth, getting enough in to cover all bills but very little else, at that point we won't have money to buy nice toys for birthdays so stock piling was a good idea financially. we had too much now to either have all this in the room for them or to give at Christmas.
I had bought a couple of t shirts each- but wouldn't allow that particular box to be opened and kept the lid on it for a long time. We were very good at this- for such a long time- not wanting to tempt fate (like the simple buying of clothes can do such a thing- but we are strange creatures of superstition and fear!). In the early days of the proposed match we felt we couldnt really buy clothes so a few tiny items hung in the room as a hopeful reminder that little bodies would fill them one day.
As time went on, this started to change- we realised we had too many toys and had to stop as we had enough stockpiled for Christmas and upcoming birthdays as well as having some to be in the house and garden on arrival. We went on a post adoption training afternoon/ evening where almost all were newly matched or now had the children at home- it was mentioned to those of us still waiting for final placement about not overloading them with toys and 'we know you will have wardrobes full of clothes already'...I am not ashamed to say that this was the moment I felt I was given permission to buy clothes. Karl said he knew as soon as that was said that this would be my reaction!
We did indeed buy a few more things but the buying in earnest didn't start until after the Matching Matrix meeting had happened- where everyone formally agreed we were a good match. We bought things age appropriate in sizing and later learned that Watson was large for his age- well that was okay, we just moved some of the smaller items over to Holmes side and bought some more! It has helped, really helped with the waiting- we know they are going to come with clothes and toys that the foster carers have bought but we want our own things to gradually get them wearing (you are advised to keep them in clothes they are used to for a little while and gradually introduce new things). It is at this pint that we now call them by their names, talk about them as people and discuss them with vie to the future, 'well, Holmes will grow into that...'.
This weekend was another personal milestone in the waiting and helping to sooth the waiting- we found out their shoe size- we haven't gone mad but two pairs of shoes, one to grow into and one spot on size...there is nothing so cute as kids shoes- I admit, there was a hint of sadness that I had to ignore the really tiny shoes as ours were 2 and 3 year olds, but the cuteness of tiny shoes all the same was enough to get over that quickly!
And for the first time- we went seriously shopping for car seats and a buggy (Holmes still uses a buggy, especially on longer walks). we spent an hour in Mothercare (a place I had never been- as it is not for the childless to poke their nose in...) looking at various strollers (realising we cannot go cheap as we need it to take over 15kg) and car seats. It was a surreal experience! we are going to get a small grant for each child for this sort of thing so we will not buy anything until we have been formally matched on 20th September and ratification date of 27th September.
So yeah- I doubt we are done with the shopping for clothes (currently want some vest and pants and socks- so that is a shopping trip for September!). It has kept us focused and sane- normally the wait is not as long as this and we needed to do something to keep it real and feel like we were moving forward, albeit it slowly!
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