The Months of Many Meetings!
I have gone through the process, now to look at it from our view and how we personally felt.
It is hard to describe how intense stage two is. We had a provisional panel date of March given to us and within two weeks it was brought forward to February. It was nice to be working towards an actual goal, a date in time, rather than a who-knows-when goal.
We updated finances and projected finances, which includes the 'basic' incomings and outgoings (we were now debt free and in an even better position as adopters), projecting costs of various forms of split adoption leave between me and Karl (the same as maternity leave) and the possible outcomes for one and two children, and varied childcare projections. When you realise that full time childcare costs about £600 a month per child, suddenly looking at two pre-school children almost negates a whole persons wage! Currently, there are 16 hours given free per child, there are plans to increase this to 30 hours which is being strongly contested, which is a shame for those that need to work as it would make a huge difference. I understand the arguments both ways.
Our first meeting was together, after that we had an individual meeting each. This focused on our experiences of childhood and parenting, good times, bad times, times of grief, education, feelings towards education, friends and activities at school, further and adult education, jobs and current position. There were questions about each other as well I think.
I wasn't worried about meeting on my own, my only worry was that the dogs would play up- but this meeting as with every other, after initial barking from Gus, they settled- Gus sleeping and Spike alternating between needing to play with his ball and insisting on sitting next to the social worker. At least we could prove he was friendly! Gus has, on several occasions, tried to ask the social worker to feed him by pawing at her if it was getting too near to his dinner time- those who have been to our house will know he does this to anyone as it gets towards evening- He isn't fussy!
All throughout the social worker made copious notes about us but the meeting felt like a chat, not a set of interrogative questions. I think this is how it should be though I don't know if this is everyone's experience. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable, put upon, tricked or coerced at all. It should feel like a slightly formal chat. I truly feel we have had a good experience and a great social worker- perhaps if you go thought this journey yourself (and I know there are a few reading who are considering adoption) and you feel anything negative about your meetings, you may want to consider a change of social worker- as you will be with them for a long time (unless they leave their role) and they are the ones you want on your side, fighting your corner.
Subsequent meetings focused on different things from expectations of parenthood, scenarios about children and their situation, looking at profiles and discussing the children, and ultimately, what we could and could not consider with regards to disability, mental disability and challenges, ages and gender. We discussed issues around attachment disorder and behaviour and therapeutic parenting. We decided on 0-6, either gender, 1-2 children. Too narrow a search field will mean you waiting a very long time- if you wanted a 1-2 girl you will be on the adoption shelf for ages. You need to be realistic. If you are desperate for a baby then you need to risk foster to adopt (see previous post) but it is risky.
We had homework every week and these forms and questions about us and our lives took between 2 and 3 hours to complete. Each meeting we had was between 2 and 3 hours. These occurred almost every week for us.
It was intense- a huge emotional ride that was intense at the time and left us shattered emotionally by Christmas. It didn't feel too bad at the time but it is all consuming- it evades not just your time with the meetings and homework but also your every waking thought- pretty much!
We were finished just before Christmas and now had the wait through the rest of December and through January whilst our social worker wrote up the notes to make up our Personal Adopters Record. You aren't taken to panel unless you are likely to get through panel with very little worry for your social worker- they have invested a lot of time in you after all! This doesn't however, make you worry any less, imagine reasons why you are a rubbish bet for any child, focus on tiny things and making them seem a huge un-surmountable obstacle that will bring everything you have worked so hard for tumbling down. No amount of logic or reassurance from your social worker (who obviously cannot give a 100% certain answer just in case), your friends or family can take away the sleepless nights and stress that you will put yourself under- because there will be a wait of at least 4 weeks depending on when panel meets in the month (usually only once a month) as it will take a long while for your social worker to write up your PAR, have it checked and agreed by their supervisor and have you check and agree it. There is no way this can be any quicker.
And, inevitably, as time is wont to do, it turns over slower than normal when you are waiting for something- and those few weeks took an age. They seemed endless, somewhat dark, stressful and frustrating. This was it- no turning back and no more chances. If it was a no then we would lose our dream, it would have all been for nothing. You are allowed to apply to another adoption agency or Local Authority but they will want to know why you were refused. It is pretty much end of the road and I didn't know if I would be able to take this.
What had this already done to me? I was only just coping at work, marking was piling up, my frees were taken up weekly on a Monday to meet with our social worker (and these are precious to a teacher) and I was incredibly tired trying to keep on top of my marking. Alongside this,I was also helping out with the school play, helping as part of the production team and making some costumes and being stage hand and make up and costume on the night. To be fair, it was my saviour (for the second time- but that is another story). I was hugely busy but also focused and this focus was a great distraction. In all other areas of my life, I was a whirlwind- I don't think I realised until it stopped! By Christmas holidays I was a shell, worn out and unable to do much at all. I wouldn't, however, change it, it was a positive experience and prepared us well.
It is hard to describe how intense stage two is. We had a provisional panel date of March given to us and within two weeks it was brought forward to February. It was nice to be working towards an actual goal, a date in time, rather than a who-knows-when goal.
We updated finances and projected finances, which includes the 'basic' incomings and outgoings (we were now debt free and in an even better position as adopters), projecting costs of various forms of split adoption leave between me and Karl (the same as maternity leave) and the possible outcomes for one and two children, and varied childcare projections. When you realise that full time childcare costs about £600 a month per child, suddenly looking at two pre-school children almost negates a whole persons wage! Currently, there are 16 hours given free per child, there are plans to increase this to 30 hours which is being strongly contested, which is a shame for those that need to work as it would make a huge difference. I understand the arguments both ways.
Our first meeting was together, after that we had an individual meeting each. This focused on our experiences of childhood and parenting, good times, bad times, times of grief, education, feelings towards education, friends and activities at school, further and adult education, jobs and current position. There were questions about each other as well I think.
I wasn't worried about meeting on my own, my only worry was that the dogs would play up- but this meeting as with every other, after initial barking from Gus, they settled- Gus sleeping and Spike alternating between needing to play with his ball and insisting on sitting next to the social worker. At least we could prove he was friendly! Gus has, on several occasions, tried to ask the social worker to feed him by pawing at her if it was getting too near to his dinner time- those who have been to our house will know he does this to anyone as it gets towards evening- He isn't fussy!
All throughout the social worker made copious notes about us but the meeting felt like a chat, not a set of interrogative questions. I think this is how it should be though I don't know if this is everyone's experience. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable, put upon, tricked or coerced at all. It should feel like a slightly formal chat. I truly feel we have had a good experience and a great social worker- perhaps if you go thought this journey yourself (and I know there are a few reading who are considering adoption) and you feel anything negative about your meetings, you may want to consider a change of social worker- as you will be with them for a long time (unless they leave their role) and they are the ones you want on your side, fighting your corner.
Subsequent meetings focused on different things from expectations of parenthood, scenarios about children and their situation, looking at profiles and discussing the children, and ultimately, what we could and could not consider with regards to disability, mental disability and challenges, ages and gender. We discussed issues around attachment disorder and behaviour and therapeutic parenting. We decided on 0-6, either gender, 1-2 children. Too narrow a search field will mean you waiting a very long time- if you wanted a 1-2 girl you will be on the adoption shelf for ages. You need to be realistic. If you are desperate for a baby then you need to risk foster to adopt (see previous post) but it is risky.
We had homework every week and these forms and questions about us and our lives took between 2 and 3 hours to complete. Each meeting we had was between 2 and 3 hours. These occurred almost every week for us.
It was intense- a huge emotional ride that was intense at the time and left us shattered emotionally by Christmas. It didn't feel too bad at the time but it is all consuming- it evades not just your time with the meetings and homework but also your every waking thought- pretty much!
We were finished just before Christmas and now had the wait through the rest of December and through January whilst our social worker wrote up the notes to make up our Personal Adopters Record. You aren't taken to panel unless you are likely to get through panel with very little worry for your social worker- they have invested a lot of time in you after all! This doesn't however, make you worry any less, imagine reasons why you are a rubbish bet for any child, focus on tiny things and making them seem a huge un-surmountable obstacle that will bring everything you have worked so hard for tumbling down. No amount of logic or reassurance from your social worker (who obviously cannot give a 100% certain answer just in case), your friends or family can take away the sleepless nights and stress that you will put yourself under- because there will be a wait of at least 4 weeks depending on when panel meets in the month (usually only once a month) as it will take a long while for your social worker to write up your PAR, have it checked and agreed by their supervisor and have you check and agree it. There is no way this can be any quicker.
And, inevitably, as time is wont to do, it turns over slower than normal when you are waiting for something- and those few weeks took an age. They seemed endless, somewhat dark, stressful and frustrating. This was it- no turning back and no more chances. If it was a no then we would lose our dream, it would have all been for nothing. You are allowed to apply to another adoption agency or Local Authority but they will want to know why you were refused. It is pretty much end of the road and I didn't know if I would be able to take this.
What had this already done to me? I was only just coping at work, marking was piling up, my frees were taken up weekly on a Monday to meet with our social worker (and these are precious to a teacher) and I was incredibly tired trying to keep on top of my marking. Alongside this,I was also helping out with the school play, helping as part of the production team and making some costumes and being stage hand and make up and costume on the night. To be fair, it was my saviour (for the second time- but that is another story). I was hugely busy but also focused and this focus was a great distraction. In all other areas of my life, I was a whirlwind- I don't think I realised until it stopped! By Christmas holidays I was a shell, worn out and unable to do much at all. I wouldn't, however, change it, it was a positive experience and prepared us well.
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