Profiles,guilt and disappointment
We had three very early links, within two weeks which was unexpected and encouraging.
I will not be writing about specific children and the details ,ever, theirs is not my story to tell, it is only theirs, but I can comment basically on our feelings and experiences in the process.
Our first link was a child a little older that we anticipated- right at the top of our range. We enquired and received a link back immediately. Karl was keener than I was (due to age) but all the same the profile seemed promising. Upon further investigation by our social worker there were considerable difficulties here regarding their past and current behaviours. We talked this over and decided that they were not right for us after all. It was our first taste of learning how we need to be reading between the lines on a profile and trying to second guess what it really means. Karl took this harder than me. It is easy to imagine them in your life and how it would be and how they would fit in and I think with this child Karl did this more than me- he was quite taken with them. It was our first taste of the guilt that comes with turning a child down.
Of course, in this climate of less children being in the adoption 'pool', this is not really the case, there are others waiting and wanting the same child- there is someone there who will see them as perfect, probably more than one someone. The guilt is still there though, even though you tell yourself it doesn't matter in the long run. It would be cruel to them to become their parent having reservations- they have already suffered in their lives and need parents who are wanting them more than anything. Brutal honesty is the only way.
It was also our first taste of a profile not revealing how complex issues can be- don't get me wrong we are very aware of the varying issues children up for adoption will have- there is no such thing as a 'normal' child- they are all damanged by their experiences and in need of various levels of differentiated care and parenting. We are aware of the backgrounds they are likely to come from and how these backgrounds can affect the child both short and long term- we know we may read disturbing and upsetting things. I think it takes a bit of time to learn to read between the lines on a profile and what some of the notes may mean. I stress 'may' as every social worker is different as is every child and it is also all too easy to make up what given details might mean.
The next link was a pair of children, young siblings- they seemed a great match- and maybe they would have been but it turned out we lived too near for the link to go any further. This was a blow but totally understandable and therefore quite easy to get over and not feel bad about getting nowhere with these children.
Our next link was another single child. this one took a few weeks to turn into a link and when it did we were sent a foster carer's report immediately. We were won over, I feel, by the interest in us and the speed in which we were given additional information. There were niggling bits of information in the report but we glossed over it. Nothing could progress as our social worker doesn't work Fridays and so we had the weekend to come to the realisation that this was not the right child for us.
It started with a sleepless night, me worrying and worrying about the details that niggled me and more how this child just didn't seem right for us. I don't think I slept more than a few hours that night. I broached this with Karl on a long drive to a weekend away and was relieved to find he felt the same way. We talked over the details and read the foster carer report again and again and decided not to progress. The sense of guilt was there again but not as bad as before- I guess you start to get used to it and suppress it. There is a family out there for them, it just wasn't us.
We were only 2 weeks in at this stage, entering our third week. Still really early days. We received a couple more requests from social workers to ask us to consider a child but again, like before, they were too severely disabled for us to consider. We haven't had a request since- I am assuming once your profile is not showing as new anymore, no one searches or looks at your profile. I don't expect to get another request from a social worker, but you never know.
So- for us, the early days were really very active- surprisingly so. Things have continued to be relatively active but I will save further updates for another post. It is fair to say that you are up on a cloud one moment, dancing with the birds, bathed in the hope of sunlight then having the feeling of dread panic as anxiousness grabs hold of you robbing you of sleep and filling your every thought though to feeling like the least wanted people on earth- perhaps all in one day! I may exaggerate slightly but your inner strength has to come out to play and continual talking to someone (obviously for me it is Karl) and having others there for you if you need a pep talk is essential. We know this could be a long journey whilst at the same time we are constantly hoping this week will be the week we progress, the week we find the right child or children, the week that we will look back on and know how we felt when it all started.
I will not be writing about specific children and the details ,ever, theirs is not my story to tell, it is only theirs, but I can comment basically on our feelings and experiences in the process.
Our first link was a child a little older that we anticipated- right at the top of our range. We enquired and received a link back immediately. Karl was keener than I was (due to age) but all the same the profile seemed promising. Upon further investigation by our social worker there were considerable difficulties here regarding their past and current behaviours. We talked this over and decided that they were not right for us after all. It was our first taste of learning how we need to be reading between the lines on a profile and trying to second guess what it really means. Karl took this harder than me. It is easy to imagine them in your life and how it would be and how they would fit in and I think with this child Karl did this more than me- he was quite taken with them. It was our first taste of the guilt that comes with turning a child down.
Of course, in this climate of less children being in the adoption 'pool', this is not really the case, there are others waiting and wanting the same child- there is someone there who will see them as perfect, probably more than one someone. The guilt is still there though, even though you tell yourself it doesn't matter in the long run. It would be cruel to them to become their parent having reservations- they have already suffered in their lives and need parents who are wanting them more than anything. Brutal honesty is the only way.
It was also our first taste of a profile not revealing how complex issues can be- don't get me wrong we are very aware of the varying issues children up for adoption will have- there is no such thing as a 'normal' child- they are all damanged by their experiences and in need of various levels of differentiated care and parenting. We are aware of the backgrounds they are likely to come from and how these backgrounds can affect the child both short and long term- we know we may read disturbing and upsetting things. I think it takes a bit of time to learn to read between the lines on a profile and what some of the notes may mean. I stress 'may' as every social worker is different as is every child and it is also all too easy to make up what given details might mean.
The next link was a pair of children, young siblings- they seemed a great match- and maybe they would have been but it turned out we lived too near for the link to go any further. This was a blow but totally understandable and therefore quite easy to get over and not feel bad about getting nowhere with these children.
Our next link was another single child. this one took a few weeks to turn into a link and when it did we were sent a foster carer's report immediately. We were won over, I feel, by the interest in us and the speed in which we were given additional information. There were niggling bits of information in the report but we glossed over it. Nothing could progress as our social worker doesn't work Fridays and so we had the weekend to come to the realisation that this was not the right child for us.
It started with a sleepless night, me worrying and worrying about the details that niggled me and more how this child just didn't seem right for us. I don't think I slept more than a few hours that night. I broached this with Karl on a long drive to a weekend away and was relieved to find he felt the same way. We talked over the details and read the foster carer report again and again and decided not to progress. The sense of guilt was there again but not as bad as before- I guess you start to get used to it and suppress it. There is a family out there for them, it just wasn't us.
We were only 2 weeks in at this stage, entering our third week. Still really early days. We received a couple more requests from social workers to ask us to consider a child but again, like before, they were too severely disabled for us to consider. We haven't had a request since- I am assuming once your profile is not showing as new anymore, no one searches or looks at your profile. I don't expect to get another request from a social worker, but you never know.
So- for us, the early days were really very active- surprisingly so. Things have continued to be relatively active but I will save further updates for another post. It is fair to say that you are up on a cloud one moment, dancing with the birds, bathed in the hope of sunlight then having the feeling of dread panic as anxiousness grabs hold of you robbing you of sleep and filling your every thought though to feeling like the least wanted people on earth- perhaps all in one day! I may exaggerate slightly but your inner strength has to come out to play and continual talking to someone (obviously for me it is Karl) and having others there for you if you need a pep talk is essential. We know this could be a long journey whilst at the same time we are constantly hoping this week will be the week we progress, the week we find the right child or children, the week that we will look back on and know how we felt when it all started.
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